fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1457 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1457 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 051 secrets from Secret Submission Post #208.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's hard to say.

And it's confusing, as a friend.

I mean, one of those (female) friends in particular had the chance to have sex with a guy that she actually liked a lot, but for some reason she pulled back and with that it sort of ended. Yet she does constantly go on about how she wants a boyfriend.
She keeps having these disastrous love interests that are either unattainable or are trying to use her.
I know she's a virgin, and she never talks about sex specifically.
It seems to me that every time she gets the chance to be with a guy she sabotages it, despise her claims to want that.

So, as a friend, this can be rather confusing.

I have a(straight male) friend who never had a girlfriend, claims not to want one, but does have an avid interest in pornography.
(again, not quite what one would picture an asexual to do)

I have another (gay male) friend who writes erotic fiction, again claims to want a boyfriend, but again, from my point of view, sabotages the opportunities when push comes to shove.

These are all people over 25...

And my point is sort of that this panel remind me more of these people, than what I'd consider to be asexuality.

And if I may be so bold: if you do have interest in romance, how do you envision the relationship. Would it ideally be with another asexual? Or would you be willing to have sex in exchange for that companionship. Not trying to be mean, just genuinely curious...

I have a(straight male) friend who never had a girlfriend, claims not to want one, but does have an avid interest in pornography.
(again, not quite what one would picture an asexual to do)

Nitpicking the part in bold myself. Asexual doesn't necessarily mean "no interest in sex" either. There are plenty of asexuals who love porn and even get themselves off to it. We just don't feel what society calls sexual attraction. That is, the desire to engage in sexual activity with another person.

Can't exactly blame you for being confused, though, as there are a lot of misconceptions to sort through and a lot of ways and reasons that people identify as asexual to begin with.

See, that is exactly what would confuse me...because the word itself seems to imply a disinterest in sex altogether.

And while porn is very much different to inter human sexual attraction (which is my case is a much more muddy, overlapping business with emotional aspect to it too), I do see it as being in the same spectrum.

it's hard to explain, too.

But let's try to simplify: while i do not necessarily wish to re-enact porn, the 'principles of arousal' would be the same.
So, for example,the type of man I'd fetishize in pornography, while I might not necessarily want a relationship with him, I'd still find him *sexually attractive* in r/l.

So in that way, I'd find it hard to imagine to like porn, but to not like what I consider to be a physically attractive male in r/l, as the arousal does sort of have similar triggers...

Does that make sense at all?

Not really. The only reason you would find the "principles of arousal" to be the same is because you feel sexual attraction to people in the first place. Which is the difference between you and asexuals. For us, the "principle" isn't the same because we do not feel that attraction.

For me, porn is no different than written erotica. It's just the kind that I don't need to read. I find the idea of what the performers are doing arousing, but I don't find any of them attractive. As in if they were sitting there naked on my couch, I'd shrug and go back to playing Modern Warfare.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off overly snippy. I don't mean to. I've just heard this exact same argument from sexual people all my life trying to convince me that they know my sexuality and what I should identify as so much better than I do.

Just jumping in here to say but thank you for taking the time to explain and not just stomping off yelling NOT MY JOB. This has been really helpful to me.

No, you don't sound snippy. I'm genuinely trying to understand...as to me it's a very foreign concept.

I think you explained fairly well, at least I have a bit more insight (I think).

So the idea or the act can be arousing, but the actual individuals are uninteresting, sexually?

(that being said, most people just sitting naked on a couch wouldn't do all that much for me either...as there is such a thing as non-sexual nudity too, even for us with sexual attractions - but I digress)

I think you probably get the argument from "sexual" people because...in a lot of people these things are just very much interlinked. While I do intellectually know that a romantic relationship =/= a sexual relationship, for a lot of people (including me) they just often come in the same package. That doesn't take away your frustration with it, I'm sure, but it's an explanation as why you hear the argument so much...

So the idea or the act can be arousing, but the actual individuals are uninteresting, sexually?

Exactly. More like the idea of the act, which is what erotica is; the cleaned up, airbrushed, fantasy-enhanced idea of sex where things like leg cramps and backaches don't exist and everyone can achieve a screaming orgasm in under ten minutes. Because actual sex? Right up there with watching my hard drive defrag as "most boring activity ever." But yes, the actual individuals are not sexually appealing in any way to me.

I think you probably get the argument from "sexual" people because...in a lot of people these things are just very much interlinked.

Precisely. And I know that. I just wish when I explained that for me, they are completely separate things because unlike them, I don't experience sexual attraction, that I would stop getting told that I'm either repressing attraction or I'm somehow enjoying porn incorrectly.

I find the idea of what the performers are doing arousing, but I don't find any of them attractive. As in if they were sitting there naked on my couch, I'd shrug and go back to playing Modern Warfare.

You finally put in words how I've been trying to sum up how I feel and identify when I wasn't even sure myself. I am attracted to a lot of fictional characters, hell I even masturbate once in a blue moon, but more than anything that's just an annoying itch to be scratched, one I wish my body would do without. I have no desire to be with somebody. None at all. :|

It's made life confusing enough as is without the arguments of 'why noooot?' from other people who don't get it.

if you do have interest in romance, how do you envision the relationship. Would it ideally be with another asexual? Or would you be willing to have sex in exchange for that companionship.

It depends on the person in question. Some asexuals are willing to have sex sometimes, as a compromise to their sexual partners. Some aren't, or find some other arrangement if their partner is sexual.

Personally, my ideal (and actual) relationship is with another asexual person. The person I consider myself "for all intents and purposes taken" by is asexual; she's my best friend on the entire planet, I love her more than anything, and there's no need for sex or any of that messy stuff we don't want to deal with. We cuddle. ♥ I love cuddles, okay. :D

[ SECRET POST #1457 ]

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