Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2011-04-09 03:42 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2011-04-09 03:42 pm
[ SECRET POST #1558 ]
⌈ Secret Post #1558 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 12 pages, 291 secrets from Secret Submission Post #223.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
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Assuming you're in the United States (and I'm aware this could be an incorrect assumption), over 50% of marriages end in divorce. And it doesn't matter how long the couple lasts before that divorce happens, either. My parents, married at ~21, divorced after 22 years of marriage. Hell, the only reason they lasted as long as they did is because my mother ended up pregnant with me right around the first time my dad was going to ask for a divorce (when my sister was eight). They didn't end up splitting until six years later, when my dad just couldn't take it anymore.
People get married really young, because at the time it seems fantastic and like true love and that it'll last forever. While sometimes it does, most of the times it doesn't. And believe me, divorce is expensive. It's much cheaper in the long run to just live with your SO, and -- after enough years pass -- file taxes under common law marriage if it's an option in your state. You can get the same rights as married couples, and if you decide it's not working out for you, you both can part ways without having to go for the lawyers/court processing.
Less mess, less stress.
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Maybe it's due to "Let's Play: two all-nighters in a row plus some, ft. Microsoft Word" but this part sounded so depressing. And mean ;_;
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Quite honestly, since marriage doesn't appeal to me at all so I'm biased, I kind of agree in regards to folks who consider it a necessity. (ie: "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it" logic baffles me)
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"they're going into marriage with unrealistic expectations and the mindset that hey, if it's not as fun as we think it'll be, we'll just split up" -- Uh, no, actually. I'm twenty, about to be twenty-one, and many of the people I went to high school with have gotten engaged/married recently. I know this because of Facebook, and through Facebook I've seen the wishes/desires that they have for it to last for life. Most people don't get married because they think it'll be "lol easy" for them to split up again. After all, the most commonly used wedding vows are 'till death do us part.'
And actually, the entire rest of your post just repeats the same argument, so I won't even bother to break that down.
Look. It has nothing to do with immaturity, or a desire for it not to last. Yes, immaturity can lead to hasty decisions which can lead to divorce, but what I'm saying is that doesn't matter. Sometimes -- most of the time, even! -- people just find that they aren't as compatible as they thought they were for whatever reason. Look at my biological parents, whom I used in an example in my original post. They got married young, yes. Their marriage lasted for twenty-two bloody years, which is an awfully long time (to put it into perspective, they got married back in the 70s, when they were in their very early twenties; they got divorced in the mid-90s, when they were in their mid-forties). They had two children (my sister, older than me by eight and a half years, and myself), and believe me when I say they went through a rash of hard times together. They tried counseling. They tried talking. They did a helluva a lot of fighting. It just didn't work out.
Marriage is an institution created by human beings in an attempt to make their individual relationships seem like something special and sacred, but when you get right down to it, all it is is a piece of paper (a legally binding one, at that), a pair of shiny rings, some tax benefits and a wealth of money usually wasted on a ridiculously grandiose ceremony. That's it. If people want that to feel special, go ahead, but the fact remains that most marriages end in divorce -- not because the people are "too immature," or "don't understand the commitment," or "aren't willing to put in the work," but simply because people change as they grow older, and while some people change together and stay compatible, others grow apart. You're never done maturing, you're never done growing and learning, and because of that it's ridiculous to think that you'll be the same person at 45 as you were at 21, or the same person at 67 that you were at 45.
To be honest, while I may sound cynical and jaded, I think you sound rather judgmental and naive. No amount of "work" can make two people who have fallen out of love/like-like/attraction/what-have-you keep up a successful marriage, and just because a marriage falls apart DOES NOT MEAN that it was because the two people in the marriage "didn't try," or that they see the relationship as "nothing."
But I still think that just forsaking the overly-expensive, pointless (in the end, because it SHOULD NOT be the stupid rings and legal contract that make your relationship mean something, but rather, the relationship itself) ceremony and just being together for however long it lasts is a better solution, anyway.
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(Anonymous) 2011-04-10 03:16 pm (UTC)(link)Now, as far as your parents go, while they may have been married for 22 years, they're still among those who married young. Contrary to what you seem to believe, that does play a significant role in whether or not a couple will ultimately get divorced. The majority of people who divorce (two thirds, in fact) were married at age 24 or younger. The older you are when you marry, the less likely you are to split (with those 35+ being the least likely. Last I read I think they accounted for about 5% of divorces) -- and that's probably due to the fact that, by the time you're middle aged, you've pretty much figured out who you are and what you want (not that there aren't exceptions, of course, what with that good ol' mid-life crisis that crops up for some people).
And that's the key thing: yes, we always keep growing and learning, but the pace of that growth slows as we get older. Our identities stabilize, and our values and viewpoints become firm and grow increasingly difficult to shake. Did you know that, by age 27, your ability to learn new things and entertain new ideas starts to decline unless you take very active steps to stop it? It's part of why people seem to get more stubborn as they get older. And that stubbornness, that immutability, is actually helpful in marriage.
So, it's not about immaturity, by any means. But it is about being too young to fully know yourself and what you want. And while not everyone goes into marriage thinking it will be rainbows and sunshine all of the time, a lot of people, particularly young people, have a very unrealistic idea of what it will be like. It's not that they don't want to be with the other person forever, and it's not that they don't want to work at the relationship; it's that they think that marriage will magically make certain things better and, paradoxically, it's that they think marriage is less likely to end than other kinds of relationships. As a result, they don't take the time to sit down and consider whether they really should be getting married. The example I'll give is that of my cousin. His SO clearly had problems with the relationship, and wanted him to change. She didn't bring any of that up, however, until they'd already gone and gotten married. She thought that, since marriage is "permanent," that he would have to change and that things would have to get better. Needless to say, they were divorced within a year. People who approach marriage with realistic expectations start with a much better hand -- and a lot of times, it takes the process of living adult life to develop those expectations.
Marriage isn't for everyone, and no one should feel like they have to get married. But marriage also isn't destined to fail, and there are ways to decrease the likelihood that one will be divorced.
Something else I did want to comment on: marriage as a construct isn't about people feeling special; it's about property, economics, and the need for society to control familial relationships. Why do you think some cultures allow polygamy? It's not because they're perverted; it's because some purpose in that society is served through the practice. For example, among Tibetan highlanders, it's traditional for a woman to marry a group of brothers. The reason for this is that, in that area, there's very little arable land, and if such land were to be divided among an owner's heirs, the people would literally run out at some point. Their marriage tradition allows them to avoid the division of property and the attendant problems that would arise as a result (in modern times, this practice has been declining, for various reasons).
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GOD, THANK YOU FOR THIS
I am so sick of everyone's cynical attitude towards [hetero] marriage. I'm not going to get fucking divorced, probably because I have a completely different idea of marriage than your standard, antiquated, limited view of the institution. My romantic relationship with my spouse is completely removed from our marriage. Marriage is just a piece of paper that signifies to the rest of the world that you are a family unit, nothing more