fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1562 ]

[ SECRET POST #1562 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1562 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

oh god stop using red text on jpegs

also, now affiliated with

pkmnsecret! Check em out if you're interested. (:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 109 secrets from Secret Submission Post #223.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That whole first paragraph is rather dismissive.

I kind of understand what you're saying, but you're thinking of asexuality as a lack of sexual orientation, instead of an actual orientation. You should think of it just like any other sexual orientation. I mean, would you tell a gay man that they're not gay, they just haven't met the right lady yet?

I definitely wouldn't, but I don't think they're exactly the same in that way--I mean, people have differing opinions on orientation, but I think one thing most people seem to agree on is "everybody wants sex!" Advertising and media is all about sexual imagery, etc. There's a lot of pressure surrounding sexuality and a lot of shame attached to being a virgin (or not having lots of sex), so sometimes--SOMETIMES, not always--people who haven't yet had sexual and/or romantic feelings think that means that if they were going to have those feelings, they would have already because 'everyone' wants/is ready for sex by a certain point in life, so asexuality is clearly the only box left to them. I just think it's unfair to make people feel like they have to pick a label and stick with it, whether it's gay, straight, asexual, whatever. However, that's not the case with everyone; plenty of people are aware of and perfectly comfortable with their asexuality from early on, and I respect that. ...But you have to admit we get a curious number of secrets here on the subject.

I just think it's unfair to make people feel like they have to pick a label and stick with it, whether it's gay, straight, asexual, whatever.

Definitely agree with that. If forced I'll go with the label of asexual, but generally I just like to say I'm everything and nothing - which boils down to me just not caring about any of it.

But I totally disagree with "Everybody wants sex!" That's what the media and advertising is trying to shove down your throat, but that doesn't make it reality.

No, no, it definitely doesn't make it reality. I don't agree with it at all, I just think it's what the majority of people assume. Like, if you asked the average person on the street, I think they'd say something like "well, maybe some people are gay or bi, but everyone wants sex in some form, it's just natural." So I can certainly see why asexual people are sometimes defensive about it.

Well, not everyone wants sex. Case in point: asexuals. ;)

A guess on the 'curious number of asexual secrets': perhaps there are so many because few people actually understand or accept someone as being asexual. When trying to tell my mother, an open minded person if you take my biased opinion, she simply refused to believe that a person could be asexual. I myself was unaware (as silly as this sounds) one could be asexual, something I now identify as, for a long time.

Agree with this. This is in fact the only place I've seen (aside from the AVEN forums of course,) that the concept isn't met with confusion or dismissal. Looks like even though people have finally come to accept that sexuality doesn't simply boil down to male+female, there's still a problem accepting the "none of the above" category. Many people, even open minded people, find it extremely unbelievable that someone might just not be interested in having sex with another human being.

This. Very few people know about or understand asexuality - the times that I eventually tell my friends about my asexuality, it's met with a lot of "but hoooooow? but whyyyyyyyyy?" and "you just haven't met the right person yet" and the occasional prying into very personal subjects like masturbation. So I can understand people wanting to voice their thoughts about their asexuality to their fandoms, so that their fandom can start thinking about it, while doing it anonymously and not have to put up with those direct questions.

Out of curiosity, would asking you (after being told about your asexuality) if you're aromantic as well be out of line? Without bringing up details about masturbation and other such personal topics first, mind.

Well, when I explain my sexuality, I usually tell people that I'm biromantic asexual so... no, not really. Though, I tend to use it as a way to let people know I might flirt but am not interested in sex with anyone. So, for me, yeah, it's cool.

Other people, though? I could get someone not wanting to answer so that they don't have to go into what being aromantic or romantic means, and just preferring to leave it at "I'm not interested in sex". So I personally don't see it as being out of line, but some people might.

Of course I can't speak for everyone, but I personally would not mind. I also make no secret of being romantically attracted to men, and hopefully finding one crazy enough to marry me.

This, except it wasn't my mother, but my best friend. Said best friend went so far as to tell me that asexuality "isn't a sexual orientation," that I just "haven't found the right person yet," that she's "worried about me," and that if someone is asexual then it's because they "had something really bad happen to them earlier in life." All of this, because apparently Dr. Drew said something to that effect on Loveline.

It just . . . made me really frustrated and hurt, especially since she wouldn't listen to anything I was telling her, but I know she's far from the only person who feels this way.

Re: Being worried about you, or something bad has happened to make you asexual. That's horrible. I haven't heard that, only that it ~doesn't exist~. :(

I haven't tried telling anyone else because of similar feelings, frustration and hurt. If my family can't accept that it's real, and that I truly do know my own sexuality, how can others who know me even less? I am romantically attracted to men so I slide by in conversations with friends about boyfriends etc. but as much as I love them, I cannot see them understanding me.

I've definitely also had the experience of people assuming that asexuality is a disorder or disease, and can be caused by trauma. Which certainly there are people who do not want sex due to sexual abuse...but it's hardly ever the case. I had to stop seeing a particular doctor because she felt I needed help for not having sex (I'm on birth control for a reproductive disease and have to answer questions about my sexual activity, which going on 30 years old, I have not had nor sought).

I can relate to that last sentence. Took me until I was in my mid-20s before I realized that most people actually do masturbate, because I'd never had any such inclination. And that was the point at which I realized that apparently people weren't "just goofing around" about how badly they wanted to have sex, or that they were seriously bothered by not having sex for two months - I just... didn't have those wants or needs. Until that point I thought I was normal and everyone else was exaggerating for comic effect. XD

And then, lets see, I had a friend who told other people behind my back that I was only calling myself an asexual because I was really a lesbian and closeted. And then, surprise surprise - I met a same-sex partner who actually respected my asexuality, and had no problem being open about having a same-sex partner. The only reason I correct people when they assume I'm a lesbian is because darnit, asexuals need more visibility or no one will EVER believe we exist.

I kept hearing friends/family/women on tv bemoaning their lack of sex and I just cannot relate. I thought along the same vein; it had never occurred to me that they were serious.

My sister who believes that while asexuals exist, I just haven't found the right partner; one who is so amazing in bed that I will suddenly realize the error of my ways and crave sex like the rest of the world. -_-

And then, surprise surprise - I met a same-sex partner who actually respected my asexuality, and had no problem being open about having a same-sex partner.

That's the problem with being asexual, isn't it? The moment you enter a relationship with someone it's "proof" that you were lying about your sexuality and you're really homo/heterosexual (but never bi, of course, nor pan) and was saying you were something else for the ~attention~

Because you will never know your own sexual orientation as well as a total stranger will, damnit.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #1562 ]

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