[ SECRET POST #1562 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1562 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

oh god stop using red text on jpegs

also, now affiliated with pkmnsecret! Check em out if you're interested. (:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 109 secrets from Secret Submission Post #223.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[la-petite-singe.livejournal.com]

But...doesn't the fact that you have fantasies mean you have some kind of sexual feelings/desire? I'm not trying to say ASEXUALITY ISN'T REAL BAWWW or something, because it totally is and you very well may be, I don't know, but...ach, I just feel like, too often, people say they're asexual because they're reached a certain age/stage of their life when they're "supposed" to be having sex and/or falling in love, according to society, and when they don't, they just go "well, I guess I'm asexual then" before giving themselves a chance to explore their feelings over time...IDK. Just sayin', "not yet/currently ready and/or interested in sex or romance" does not necessarily always = asexual.

*prepares to get yelled at*

Also: yeah, what everyone else said: your own sexual experience (or lack thereof) doesn't correspond directly to your writing ability. It can help, but we're inspired/influenced by all kinds of things when writing, not just immediate personal experience.

[(Anonymous)]

Not the OP but I can understand where they're coming from. Every single fantasy doesn't involve myself, and the thought of enacting any of those fantasies IRL is a complete turn-off. I write porn fic and fantasize about characters having sex with each other, but I have zero interest in getting personally involved in any IRL sex. Or even personally involved in any fantasy sex. Sex is fine as long as I'm not in it.

[la-petite-singe.livejournal.com]

Well, OK, fair point. Maybe the question is: what's the difference between sexual thoughts and sexual fantasies? Like, how does it make the OP (or anyone similar) feel when they think about them? Is it just like thinking about any other kind of fiction scene, or is it more evocative and...you know, hot? I guess that makes a difference.

[(Anonymous)]

I think the difference is in sexual fantasies I don't want them to be true. They are fantasies. I imagine sexual thoughts would be more realistic and something that you would theoretically want to happen.

For me, being asexual means that I don't care about having sex. I don't want that. Sure, sexual fantasies and reading/watching porn is fun, but it's just fun fantasies about other people. I don't want any of that to happen to me. It's not even something that I would consider.

[(Anonymous)]

Does it matter? In the end it still boils down to having zero desire to have sex IRL.

[(Anonymous)]

It doesn't make any difference. Even if it gets you hot, makes you masturbate, etc, IT'S STILL NOT SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE. An asexual person does not want to have sex with other, real people. It's really that simple.

[meadowphoenix]

I honestly fell that labeling sexuality now is like drawing lines in the sand when the tide's coming in.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

+1

[(Anonymous)]

well put

[(Anonymous)]

they're reached a certain age/stage of their life when they're "supposed" to be having sex and/or falling in love, according to society, and when they don't, they just go "well, I guess I'm asexual then" before giving themselves a chance to explore their feelings over time...

Being asexual and being aromantic isn't the same. An asexual person might still want to be in a relationship with someone and can still fall in love. They just don't have much interest in sex (which they can still have with their partner, which doesn't make them any less asexual).

[(Anonymous)]

They just don't have much interest in sex (which they can still have with their partner, which doesn't make them any less asexual).

I feel like I need to jump in and make a comment before the inevitable flood of: but how can you call yourself asexual when you have sex with your partner?

I'm an asexual who's had sex with her (now ex)partner. Why? Because at the time I didn't know what asexuality meant and even though I had zero desire to sleep with him I convinced myself that if we did often enough somehow I will change or develop something that would make me like it. You have no idea how hard it is to live in a society where everyone gushes over this wonderful thing that you can't care less about. You just want to know what's so special about it. After it didn't work out I did it for my partner. I just didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't care. After all it wasn't painful or anything, and it didn't take too much out of me if just to see that joyful look on his face. So I pretended. I loved my boyfriend romantically very much and didn't want to lose him. I was willing to spend the time doing something that he liked, to me it was like watching sports with my man. I don't know maybe it was a mistake. We separated for a different reason but to this day I wonder if my insincerity had some sort of effect in it.

tl;dr you can be asexual and have sex with your partner because you romantically love them and have no problem doing it for them to get enjoyment out of watching them enjoying it.

[amredthelector.livejournal.com]

Just jumping in to say, wow, that is almost exactly my experience with my ex. Except for the breaking up bit - we did break up over my asexuality.

[(Anonymous)]

I was willing to spend the time doing something that he liked, to me it was like watching sports with my man.

tl;dr you can be asexual and have sex with your partner because you romantically love them and have no problem doing it for them to get enjoyment out of watching them enjoying it.

Exactly! Asexuals aren't incapable of having sex, they just don't have the same interest in it as sexual people do. To have sex with your partner isn't just about sex and getting off, but also the whole emotional connection thing. At least, that's my experience. (And let's be honest, for most sexual people sex in a relationship is pretty damn important.)

[(Anonymous)]

I'm much the same way, but with a much happier ending (so far). After a decade of marriage with a crappy sex life full of resentment and feeling like I was a total failure, I finally figured out that I was asexual. Realizing that freed me from a lot of my issues and I decided that my husband deserved a good sex life either from me or from someone else. I just couldn't accept him sleeping with someone else no matter how much I rationalized it so it had to be me. Letting go of the "oh my god why am I not getting off on this??" angst helped me a lot, and now I enjoy the intimacy and knowing I'm giving him pleasure. I was totally open with him about being asexual and he just shrugged it off, especially since it's so much better all around there's not much to complain about :)

[(Anonymous)]

I don't identify as asexual, though I am a pushing 30 virgin who is unlikely to have that change anytime soon. But in almost all of my sexual fantasies, I'm not actually in them. They're about character x from fandom y doing whatever - and never, ever about me.

[(Anonymous)]

This. Although I'm 21, not 30, but a lot of times I feel like I'm the only virgin my age, since almost everyone I know has had sex.

Same thing though about the sexual fantasies. They're rarely about me.

[(Anonymous)]

I am a pushing 30 virgin who is unlikely to have that change anytime soon

So relieved to not be the only one.

[(Anonymous)]

That whole first paragraph is rather dismissive.

I kind of understand what you're saying, but you're thinking of asexuality as a lack of sexual orientation, instead of an actual orientation. You should think of it just like any other sexual orientation. I mean, would you tell a gay man that they're not gay, they just haven't met the right lady yet?

[la-petite-singe.livejournal.com]

I definitely wouldn't, but I don't think they're exactly the same in that way--I mean, people have differing opinions on orientation, but I think one thing most people seem to agree on is "everybody wants sex!" Advertising and media is all about sexual imagery, etc. There's a lot of pressure surrounding sexuality and a lot of shame attached to being a virgin (or not having lots of sex), so sometimes--SOMETIMES, not always--people who haven't yet had sexual and/or romantic feelings think that means that if they were going to have those feelings, they would have already because 'everyone' wants/is ready for sex by a certain point in life, so asexuality is clearly the only box left to them. I just think it's unfair to make people feel like they have to pick a label and stick with it, whether it's gay, straight, asexual, whatever. However, that's not the case with everyone; plenty of people are aware of and perfectly comfortable with their asexuality from early on, and I respect that. ...But you have to admit we get a curious number of secrets here on the subject.

[(Anonymous)]

Being asexual just means having no interest in sex with others, it has nothing to do with desire or libido. Put it this way - assuming a 100% straight person - when they feel desire they are only interested in an opposite sex partner to quench it and wouldn't look to a same sex partner. An asexual isn't interested in any partner.

[(Anonymous)]

But...doesn't the fact that you have fantasies mean you have some kind of sexual feelings/desire?

You know, a person can be asexual and still have sexual fantasies, desires and feelings simply because they possess a living human body. They just don't want to actually have sex with other people in RL, that's the important part.

Two examples: There are asexuals who get aroused by something and deliberately seek that feeling because getting off feels good. Orgasms are great in that it's possible to have one when you're all alone. Then there are asexuals who consider masturbating a bodily function, like peeing. Nothing particularly exciting but something your body needs every now and then.

[judo-creature.livejournal.com]

Then there are asexuals who consider masturbating a bodily function, like peeing. Nothing particularly exciting but something your body needs every now and then.

HAHA THIS IS ME ALL THE WAY. It's just something I need to do sometimes, to think or to relax, it can be an efficient way to tire me out if I need to sleep and am too wired, or calm myself down if I'm having an anxiety attack or something. And of course, if the hormones are saying "MAKE BABIES" despite my mind protesting that it wants to do ABSOLUTELY NO SUCH THING, tricking your bits into thinking that you're procreating is a good way to get them to stop nagging you.

I never have fantasies involving myself in sexual positions, trying to do so basically makes me feel gross and panicky. Frequently I'll think about characters going at it, but never from an "OH MAN I'D LOVE TO GET IN ON THAT" kind of standpoint; I mostly just find sexual attraction fascinating and love to explore other people's handling of it... while I'm fully clothed and standing behind a thick glass window.

[saiyako.livejournal.com]

something your body needs every now and then

Er, I'm not sure I get this. 'Needs' in what way?

[(Anonymous)]

There's the issue of sexual identity too. The only form of sex for example that turns me on is dub-con between two males. I can't imagine any way I could possibly include myself in that scenario because: a) I'm a woman and b) I don't like dub-con IRL happening to me. So there you have it.

[(Anonymous)]

From me personally; it's not a lack of interest so much as "yeah, it exists and yeah, I can write it or read it" it's I can't apply/have no desire to apply it to myself, as to actually carry out the act. You can imagine yourself with a guy (fictional or not) but the act itself is not something you'd want to do.