fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1563 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1563 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 058 secrets from Secret Submission Post #223.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

OP

This is the blackest side of the whole mess really. And even though the "repulsive" bit came from an emotional snap of several months of pent up frustration, I know I should feel really bad. But I don't. And even the lack of feeling in that regard should scare me... and it does, a bit. But not to the degree I know it should. And that's partially why I made the secret: to have people say to me what I should really be saying to myself.

It's been over a week since I made/sent in this secret, and since then I've done a lot of self-reflecting, but no matter how much my conscious tells me I should feel bad I just can't. My friend had me up on a pedestal, and more than anything else it just feels so good to be able to breathe again.

(messed up anon is messed up)

I'm not sure what to tell you, anon. I don't think I've ever failed to feel guilty about something, even if I felt it needed to be done. I am a one woman guilt machine.
This being said, do you feel a total lack of guilt often, or is it just this incident? Because if you don't generally have pangs of conscience, maybe you should see someone.

I can understand where being on a pedestal would annoy you, and I can even see where it could be left to fester long enough that you snapped. But if you truly think that you handled this the right way and that this person doesn't deserve an apology, I don't know that you've ever cared about them at all.

It's one thing to be messed up. It's quite another to mess everyone around you up too.

This being said, do you feel a total lack of guilt often, or is it just this incident?

I think it's a combination of both just this incident and the fact that I've never let my frustration build up like this before. Normally if someone annoys or bothers me, I know early on and I stop the acquaintance before it even becomes a friendship. But it wasn't annoying at first (I've known him for about a year) and even though the past several months have been frustrating, I chalked it up to my anti-social personality. (I can talk to strangers and make new friends/acquaintances easily, but I still have problems with truly opening up to people I haven't known for a long, long time.) It was only recently when I thought about the future and after college and when I thought of us graduating and never seeing each other again and I felt happy about that thought, I knew there was something seriously wrong.

And then a couple days after that is when I said, well I didn't say he was repulsive, quite honestly. I just phrased it that way in my secret because towards the end he had developed an irritating habit of lurking on the sites/communities that I frequented. Not joining them, not commenting. Just lurking. And I didn't know if he had started with this comm, but I didn't want to risk it. But seeing as how I highly doubt he would lurk, pick up on this secret, and then follow the comments (and if he does, that's his problem now), my exact words were "I do like you as a person. I do really like you as a friend, but physically... well, I find it disgusting" because at that time I thought it might just be a physical proximity thing. Except for I think he took it as "I find you disgusting" (even though I tried to clarify the next day that it didn't mean that), and things quickly deteriorated from that and by the end of the week I really did find him disgusting .

But if you truly think that you handled this the right way and that this person doesn't deserve an apology, I don't know that you've ever cared about them at all.

I thought I used to. I think sometimes I knew I use to. I don't now though... which is sort of the driving force behind the secret.

Calling any part of someone disgusting is still a rather massive rejection. I can see where he took that to mean you were completely disgusted by him. There are more diplomatic ways to phrase that, anon.

In the end, it's not really a problem that you don't particularly need/want this person in your life. I'm definitely a social extrovert who can open up to people, and there are still people I won't particularly miss after college. It doesn't mean I hate them, we just have never clicked and aren't close. That isn't really anyone's fault, it just happens.
You're not damaged and he isn't grotesque. You're just incompatible.

Even if you don't want to repair the friendship, you should probably at least shoot him an email explaining things once the situation dies down. No matter how much you actually cared about him, he's a person and he deserves not to feel disgusting.

You're "friend" thought you were super duper awesome. The bees knees. The bestest buddy around. And how do you handle that admiration? You knocked them down and cut them open. I feel bad for both of you. You, because you can't handle being liked or having open communication - letting everything fester until a violent and hateful outburst - and your friend for being so trusting and hard up for friendship and human interaction that they blindly put their trust in someone who so obviously didn't deserve it.

I wish you both the best in the future and hope that you've at least learned something from this failed attempt at friendship.

Idk, a lot of the time I don't really feel an emotional attachment to my friends either. I can take or leave people depending on my mood, but a lot of the time I don't think I would be too devastated by the loss of any of them.

Then at other times, I feel like my friends are my social crutch.

So, actually, I don't know what to tell you. Other than I understand completely your being able to let them go with no real emotional involvement.

Hey there, OP. I have cut several friends out of my life (usually because I felt they were too cloying) without feeling guilty about it. Admittedly, I tend to just stop communicating with people rather than actually become hostile towards them, but I get where you're coming from - when relationships feel like they're trapping you it can build up a certain amount of resentment.

I guess I just want to say... don't worry on it too much? You're not alone. I've done a lot of thinking on it, and I'm pretty sure I'm not a sociopath, but I think there is a certain amount of middle ground. I just have slightly below average empathy and can only cope with certain types of relationships. I don't think it makes me a bad person, or broken, or whatever. It's just the way some people are. You could try to be nicer when you're cutting people out of your life, though. *shrug* Most of the time being actively hostile isn't the most useful way of doing things.

I do think you were maybe a little melodramatic in comparing yourself to Sherlock (it just comes across self aggrandizing), but it seems you were doing that to provoke the negative response from F!S that you wanted, so I guess you succeeded.

Thanks. And I have learned from this experience to be more open with my feelings because if I try to ignore them, it doesn't make the problem any better.

As for the Sherlock comparison, well I am a bit melodramatic as a person and I do identify with him in a lot of ways... although I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm as smart as he is. Well, no one can really since he's a fictional construct and his authors can spend days thinking about what his next split-second move will be. But really I chose it because it did reflect our friendship in a way.

Like... he wanted us to be two best buddies (well, more than best buddies but he didn't strongly imply that until after everything blew up) that did everything together where I was the quirky one that did weird things (or something?) and he was the down to earth one. Except, like Sherlock, I have a lot of heavy character flaws and I'm used to people calling me out when I do something stupid and then I try to correct it or, at the very least, hold my tongue in the future. But it was like every single fucking thing I did was perfect and when I finally noticed the pedestal, it was like I couldn't see the ground anymore.

And when I felt that lack of guilt, it made me feel more like Sherlock, so... yeah. Didn't quite expect the response to be that shoot-yourself-in-the-face negative, I will admit. But hey, it's F!S.

[ SECRET POST #1563 ]

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