fandomsecrets | (no subject)

I have a thing for bad boys. A lot of people do. I think it's natural enough. They bring excitement and adventure, and they'll protect you! Romantic!

But the bad boy trope can very, very easily cross over into unfortunate implications territory and/or straight up abuse. And I feel like, lately in particular, there have been a plethora of borderline abusive bad boy characters in popular media. Only because it's emotional/psychological abuse, not physical abuse (in most cases, though there are some examples of physical abuse as well) no one wants to recognize it as such.

It's especially disturbing in fandom's with lots of young women. And if you try to talk to them, to point out why these things aren't really that romantic, they shut you down and label you the PC police or a feminazi or something else indicating you're not worth listening too.

And it really makes me worried. I understand fantasies. I understand that they are not real life. I have several fantasies that I would never want to experience for real (unless it was role playing with rules).

But I think we can say that it's OK to have fantasies or be OK with fictional characters or actions, while still acknowledging that in real life they are wrong. But even if you try to frame the discussion that way, you still get shut down.

I'm worried that a lot of these girls don't understand the difference between fantasy and reality. That if some guy started treating her like a precious object that must be protected, she'd swoon and feel safe and loved without really recognizing the way in which her personal freedoms have to be restricted for him to have his way.

It's not everyone. There are plenty of people who are mature enough to know the difference. And I acknowledge that it's not fair for me to try to judge who's who when I don't know any of these people (that I know of). But it's still a worry I have, and I wish I could figure out a way to start a discussion that wouldn't end with pointless name calling and shouting.

I know what you mean. I'm a little more optimistic about it since I was a total sucker for bad boy tropes in middle school... and then promptly fell head over heels in real life for an intelligent, thoughtful and empathetic guy who hated hurting anyone's feelings.

I guess it comes down to that you have to give everyone the chance to make their own choices, because the thing most likely to make them cling to an unhealthy ideal is being told they can't have it, if that makes sense...

That if some guy started treating her like a precious object that must be protected

Personally, I DO want somebody who would feel that way about me. Just like I want somebody for whom I can feel that way. Having a lover who is precious to you, who you would do anything to protect, is not always a sign of an abusive, controlling asshole.

Furthermore, while I agree that the type of discussion you want to have is a good one, I don't think every story, comment or conversation needs to be prefaced with "I LOVE this thing, but recognize how bad it is in this way, that way and those ways over there!" which is the vibe I get from the tone of this post.

The key word in that sentence is object.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling protective of the person you love, or wanting a significant other who will worry about you and want to protect you right back.

But there also has to be respect for personal freedom. If my significant other makes a decision that I don't like or that I worry puts him in a bad position, I will talk to him, I will argue with him, I might even scream and shout at him if it's something I'm really worried about. But at the end of the day, it's his choice, and I'm not going to trick, manipulate, or physically coerce him into doing what I want.

Characters like Edward from Twilight or Damon from the Vampire Diaries tend to take away the choices of their love interests "for there own good". And many times discussions of these actions romanticizes those types of actions. Those girls were doing stupid things! That makes it totally OK to infantilize her and treat her like a child who's too stupid to understand her actions might have consequences!

This is exactly how I feel about things like Twilight, or yaoi. It has a really unrealistic expectation of men and relationships and a lot of the people who read it are really young girls that are easily bruised.

Yeeeees, so true. Seeing so many media outlets jumping all over Twilight because ~it's popular~ and not a single one daring to point out how ~~straight-up terrifying~~ problematic the Edward/Bella relationship is really disturbed me. Enjoying a fictional relationship that is fucked up and acknowledging it's fucked up is one thing, but presenting it to young girls as romantic is just awful.

Seeing the trend spilling over into other fandoms is disappointing. No, Karofsky's treatment of Kurt is not ~romantic~. At all. Siiiiigh.

I've never personally be into Bad Boys and I think it's kind of sad how many women fall for that act. I feel like they think they can change them somehow, or that they're inexperienced or have somehow convinced themselves that dating a guy like that would be a good idea.

In a way though, I can see their appeal but I just can't bring myself to want to date guys like that. I confess that I do ship Bad Boy characters with other characters, but I don't take them so seriously. I feel sorry for the people who can't separate fantasy from reality.

I had an epiphany about 'bad boys' recently when a friend of mine started lecturing his 12-year old daughter about how all guys everywhere only wanted 'one thing' and how he knew, because he was a guy. If the girl gets that lecture and really believes it, then it only makes sense for her to go after bad boys, because at least they're *honest* about it - a guy who behaves any other way is (from this point of view) lying to her to get into her pants on top of being a dick.

I kinda let the friend have it once his kid went to bed. I think I got through to him, but I fear the damage is already done.

My family is filled with overgrown bad boys and women who married overgrown bad boys. There's one healthy relationship out of all of them. This is not an exaggeration. ONE.

Bad boys, real and fictional, turn my stomach. Seeing the havoc they wreak over and over and over long ago killed any ounce of interest they ever might have held for me.

Now, bad MEN - otherwise known as magnificent bastards - that's something different. But only in fiction. In real life, I only have eyes for solid, dependable, thoroughly decent guys, for which I am grateful every single day of my life.

(no subject)

Bad, bad boys

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