fandomsecrets | (no subject)

If I can't land a job and a new place to stay in the next five days, I'm probably just going to sell my stuff, donate whatever little I have from that, and then kill myself before my lease is up. I've failed in every conceivable aspect of my life so far and I'm tired of being such a fucking waste.

Don't.

I've already decided. And I realize this is going to hurt some people very badly, so I'm trying to phrase my individual notes to them in a way that clearly conveys that there was nothing more they could do for me. My family is really fucked up, but I love them. I care deeply for the few close friends I have. I feel horrible for what I'm about to do to them but I'm in so much pain, and have been for a very long time. Nothing has helped, so that's that.

...Lisa?

I'd prostitute myself or sell an organ on the black market to get the money before resorting to killing myself.

There's a lot more to it than just money. I don't think I'd fetch much as a prostitute and I'm already a registered organ donor, so.

If you're a registered organ donor, why are you going to kill yourself? If no one finds you very quickly after you commit the act, your organs will be completely useless and your suicide will be doubly selfish.

The idea is that I'm found quickly, but fyi, the selfish angle isn't an effective deterrent. I've acknowledged and accepted that this is entirely self-indulgent.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2011-07-31 05:20 (UTC) - Expand

If you're such a failure, you'll probably just fail at killing yourself, too.

I've already done that, actually. So no, not this time.

I hope that things allow you to reconsider. But, regardless, please don't do it.

If there are people you love and things you enjoy, then you are not failing at life. You can't fail at life, and you are not a waste. There's no set way to live, there's no leaderboards, there's no list of things you are required to accomplish. You might not be where you want to be, but that doesn't mean you never will be. You have friends and family. Talk to them, anon. If you can't, talk to a helpline, talk to internet friends, talk to us anonymice, anyone. Talking alone might not be able to pull the thorn from your paw-- life tends to throw some amazingly tenacious problems in our ways-- but let other people support your weight until you can pull that bastard out and walk easily again.

erk, html fail.

Okay. Go for it. It's your life and your choice to end it- all I can say is that I hope you wrap up all your loose ends and don't hurt anybody on the way out.

But still, if anything can change your mind, why not join a cause and get yourself sent on a peace mission somewhere you're likely to die? If you really want to be something useful, helping others who want to live isn't such a bad plan.

Way to go, anon!

Derp. Oh well no fixing my non-anonness now.

http://www.hopeline.com/gethelpnow.html

Before going to such drastic measures, why not try something completely and utterly different in your life? Go somewhere far away, meet entirely new people, try things you never dreamed of before.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope and pray that you and your loved ones find peace.

You know what I hear? "Waa waa waa life is hard." I bet you've given up already on finding a job and a place to stay. I bet you haven't tried very hard. Why? Because you found an easier option. Whatever. I'm going to take your sob story and be happy that as crappy as my life is right now, at least I didn't give up and I'm better than at least one person in the world. Prove me wrong. Be better than me. I dare you.

Take your money and start walking -- any direction -- instead. Big world out there, and you might as well see some of it and talk to people or really look at natural things. Think of it as an exercise in saying goodbye, and maybe finding something you want to say hello to.

Suicide is the fucking waste.

Telling even anonymous people online about it is asking for help, which means you haven't given up all hope yet. Call someone.

I spent a year and a half of my life contemplating suicide nearly every day. One foot in front of the other. I didn't even know why I bothered, but I just kept going.

Anon, ask yourself what you would do if you had terminal cancer and only six months left to live. And then just do all of these things.

Just find a purpose. Try to do good. Not just by giving money but help out. You can type, you can write. You have two hands. You have a brain.

Maybe there are fates in this world that are worse than death but being poor isn't one of them. Failing isn't one of them. I know it's hard to pick yourself up but one step at a time, anon.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ <--please read this.

And, I don't know if you read the thread a couple of pages back about how fucking hard it is to land a decent job, or ANY job, in this fucked-up economy, but yeah; being jobless doesn't mean you're a failure, it means that your parents' entire generation is an epic level failure at not being stupid selfish dumbasses over property speculation.

I'm sorry you've had it so rough. I hope you find someone to talk to either irl or in fandom, maybe someone with a couch you can crash on after your lease is up, maybe someone who knows of a job opening, or some other way you can start getting back on track.

There's a lot of people in fandom who've been through similar experiences to what you're going through now, and reaching out to them could be a good idea.

JFC, don't do that.

A year ago, I felt exactly the same way you do. I was on the verge of losing my job and I thought I should just put myself out of my misery. But I didn't, and I hung onto my job by the skin of my teeth and now I'm making six figures.

You never know what's around the corner. You say there are people who will be upset if you die, surely one of them will let you stay with them if you can't afford your own place. If you can't find paying work, volunteer. You'll be giving something to society and who knows, a volunteer position may turn into a paying job.

Just don't give up.

The biggest favor I ever did myself was to realize that my life, in the literal sense, was worth more than the convenience of other people.

From the moment I graduated high school, it seemed like everything I did was shit. I had to quit college twice, I couldn't get more than a part-time job, and I never moved away from my Mom. I was a burden that she hadn't planned for, and for a while I thought that killing myself would somehow make things 'even'. Things didn't start to get better until I finally told myself that the purpose of my life was to LIVE, to get out of bed at least once a day and eat and possibly brush my teeth, and that anything on top of that would have to be for me and no one else. I stopped making it about individual successes or failures and more about what I could do to be happy. I'm back in college now, but I've still never had a full time job. And anyone who says I should be married by now or have a career gets quietly laughed at, because those things are not what I get out of bed for.

Maybe none of this is even remotely useful for you, but my main point is this: your life is worth something, completely aside from whatever you may or may not accomplish with it. You're a person, not a project that must meet a certain set of goals or else be terminated.

There are a lot of legitimate reasons to commit suicide, and I won't say despair isn't one of them. But it is one of the likeliest to pass with time. You can fail at something, but you cannot BE a failure. And you are NOT a waste.