Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-02-24 06:22 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-02-24 06:22 pm
[ SECRET POST #1879 ]
⌈ Secret Post #1879 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
01.
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02.
[The Dain Curse by Dashiell Hammett]
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03.
[Matilda]
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04.
[Person of Interest]
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05.
[Boston Public]
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06.
[Rideback]
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07.
[The Office (UK)/Harry Potter]
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08.
[Inspector Lynley Mysteries]
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09.
[Prince of Cats]
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10. [personal attack]
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11.
[Misfits]
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12.
[Smash]
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13.
[Hetalia]
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14.
[Shadow of the Colossus]
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15.
[Dragon Age]
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16.
[Zack Snyder]
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17.
[Kill Bill]
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18.
[askandroidwheatley/Wheatley (Portal 2)]
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19. [repeat]
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20.
[TGWTG, Todd in the Shadows]
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21.
[Sailor Moon]
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22.
[Hyvät ja huonot uutiset]
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23.
[MLP: FiM]
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24.
[Once Upon a Time]
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25.
[Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
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26.
[How I Met Your Mother]
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27.
[Castle]
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28.
[Amanda Palmer]
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29.
[Katawa Shoujo]
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30.
[Homestuck]
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31.
[Evangelion]
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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]
32. [SPOILERS for Salt and TGWTDT]
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33. [SPOILERS for Katawa Shoujo]
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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]
34. [TRIGGER WARNING for incest]
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35. [TRIGGER WARNING for incest]
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36. [TRIGGER WARNING for child abuse]
[DC comics/DCAU]
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #268.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
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(Anonymous) 2012-02-25 12:45 am (UTC)(link)(and the other way around (want to receive sex but not to give) being called 'paper' I think?)
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(Anonymous) 2012-02-25 02:17 am (UTC)(link)no subject
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(Anonymous) 2012-02-25 03:09 am (UTC)(link)no subject
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Honestly, I just call myself asexual, and I have seen other people online who self-identify as asexual and are the same way. Asexual doesn't mean never having sex, it means not experiencing sexual attraction. I'm fairly indifferent to sex, so if I like my partner enough, and they really want it, I don't have a problem with going there for them and making a good show of it, but it's not like it's something I crave. It's like, if I had a partner who really dug bowling, I'd go bowling with them and I'd find some kind of enjoyment in it somewhere, but if I never went bowling again in my life, I wouldn't miss it, and it isn't something I'd think to do. And me touching them with them not touching me just makes more sense. Them touching me is just awwwwkward because they're clearly expecting things that are not going to happen. Making someone's knees buckle, though, there's a point to that, so I can get behind it. I like it when people I care about are having a good time.
AVEN describes what we do as "secondary sexual pleasure"--the "I'm happy you're happy" thing. *sexual people get this too. But they also get primary sexual pleasure, which is the, you know, getting off from sex thing. IMO, not having the primary sexual pleasure is enough to ID as asexual if you want to. Of course you don't have to if you feel it doesn't fit you.
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I classify myself as "bisexual with weird kinks" to avoid scaring off newcomers, then get into the specifics as I get closer to them. Even after I set down the "I touch you, you don't touch me" rule, some of my partners had serious trouble in understanding that it's not their fault I don't get sexually excited by them trying to pleasure me, and some of them reacted with feelings of inadequacy and hurt. I also tend to only respond to my own touch(barely at that), and they see it as some sort of hope that I'm ready this time, that I would suddenly become responsive, and then get angry when I react as little as I ever have. They also seemed to have trouble understanding that just them being satisfied was enough for me, and when I say that I had a good time, even though I don't look sweaty or flushed, I meant it.
I want to give up on relationships at the moment, to be honest. Having to lay down ground rules and dashing their hopes and expectations is exhausting me when I really should be concentrating on university, and this is not doing good things for my self-esteem. I've been called frigid, a dead lay, a cold fish, that I was "leading them on", and told by both men and women that I must either be straight or a lesbian and that is why I'm not responding to their special touches. It really hurts me and strengthens my resolve to be a spinster crazy animal lady with a dog, cat, ferret, and rat.
Sorry, teal deer.
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In my first serious physical relationship, I tried the "fake it till you make it" tack. I thought I just had "intimacy issues," and that I must have some sort of barrier to overcome that would let me, you know, have sex like a normal person. Maybe I was thinking too much and just needed to lose myself in the moment! Maybe I needed to fantasize more! Eventually the realization I came to was I just needed to be alone.
I can have just about any kind of sex. The question is how much of it you want to be an act. Even just doing it for the other person's pleasure, it feels a bit like a performance, like a magician doing a trick to delight an audience. (Maybe "trick" isn't a good word to use here...) I've never felt comfortable actually faking pleasure, but I do sort of get pressured and...act like I'm more into it than I am. But I don't like that. It leaves me feeling like whoever my partner just had sex with, it wasn't me. Sex should be about intimacy and acceptance. That means they've got to accept who I am too.
Usually I just lead with asexual. I have some fantastic non-sexual relationships in my life that are really everything I could want. As someone gets to know me better, they'll get to know that I am open to occasional partnered sex if the person means a lot to me and the sex means a lot to that person, and we can sort of feel out the territory from there and see if that's something we're both comfortable with (assuming the person is not asexual, because really there is just no point then). I also have some things I describe as "kinks" but I'm not sure if they really are, because it's not so much about sex for me, it's just something that's sexual for some people that I also enjoy. Basically, I like sadomasochism, and I call it that rather than BDSM because it's not so much about control/power dynamics/domination/submission as it is just about giving and receiving pain. That's something I haven't really gotten to test drive with a real person yet, but I'd be open to it/curious about it, since it's actually something I can't do in a fulfilling way by myself. Again, it's something me and my potential partner would both have to be really comfortable with. There'd have to be a lot of trust.
I don't think meeting someone in a "dating" context would work at all for me. I've tried that, and it always moves way too fast and goes in directions I'm not comfortable with. (And sometimes I want directions they're not comfortable with, but my directions are weird, and their directions are socially sanctioned and normal, so they win every time.) Plus since I don't really get that much out of it, I'm not exactly motivated or in a rush to seek it out.
I've really decided that if I ever do go down that path again, it's going to be with someone who knows and understands and loves me well enough that they're not going to expect me to act in out-of-character ways, and get hurt when I'm actually me still and not some fantasy woman they had built up in their heads. And if I don't go down that path again, that's just fine too. I only went there to begin with because I'd picked up the message that I was broken and abnormal if I didn't. That isn't really a healthy foundation for a physical relationship anyway.
All I can say to you is, it isn't a choice between having sexual partners and being forever alone. You can have special people in your life that even live with you that you don't have sex with at all. And you can have sex with people that know you well enough to not say those kinds of hurtful things, and *gasp* might even be thrilled to just lie back and be pleasured. You have the right to negotiate your personal relationships on your own terms. Though don't be afraid to scare off newcomers--if they're that easily frightened, they're probably not a good match anyway. A good match would react by being intrigued, or even turned on! (Or saying, "Oh, you don't like sex? Me too!")
And lastly, being alone is perfectly okay too. That's what some people truly want, and they should be able to have it. At the very least, it isn't bad to be comfortable with being alone until something you want more comes along (if you want it to).
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Maybe I've been going along with it because I keep thinking "Hey, maybe I've explained it enough. Maybe they understood". And they never do. Something always gets misinterpreted, or they think that they're the exception. I've always prided myself on knowing what I wanted and sticking to my own limits and not letting other people influence me to go outside my boundaries, but reading your comment has made me realize that I've been going into relationships because the other person wanted to and ignored my warnings like I knew they would, and I still didn't say "no".
I have learned more about myself in the terms of what I like sexually and my smut has vastly improved, but I wish I hadn't had to go through all this stress to gain a little perspective. The mental exhaustion and feeling of "forever aloneness" are my own fault, and I was perfectly happy to be single before I got caught up with this rigmarole of dating and trying to figure out my sexual identity, or whatever the fuck I've been trying to do. It literally feels like all the misery and self-doubt has evaporated. I've never read a comment that made me feel this way before, but thank you.
Thank you so much.
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I have learned more about myself in the terms of what I like sexually and my smut has vastly improved, but I wish I hadn't had to go through all this stress to gain a little perspective.
Yeah, this. I can't say I really regret my experiences, because they taught me so much about myself and about sex in general, but at the same time, there's a twinge of envy for the asexuals who "always knew."
Out of curiosity, where in NY? I'm born in NYC, but spent quite a bit of my teens/early 20's in various parts of the Hudson Valley. I also went on a bike tour through central/western NY.
Also, this might not seem like the most helpful thing right now, but when you're older, and your potential partners are older, you might find more maturity and honest communication about wants and needs. The folks you're with now are probably learning the ropes of their own sexualities too, which makes it all the harder. Though unfortunately the "I'm sure I'll be an exception" trope is pretty pervasive, if you hang out in ace-friendly spaces you're unlikely to get that. I hear there's an Australian soap with an out asexual character, I wonder if that's gotten the conversation into the mainstream at all?
Also also, don't ever beat yourself up for not saying no. It isn't your job to say no loud enough, it's their job to get an enthusiastic yes or back the fuck down. Though I can understand how social pressures can lead to situations where you look like you're saying yes even if you don't want it, and it's just nasty all around and not directly anyone's fault. But like, even though life has taught me I have to be a lot clearer with my boundaries for my own safety and happiness, I don't blame myself for not doing that before, because it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't have had to, you know?
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I was born in upstate New York in the tiny little town of Hastings, near Central Square. It was about an hour out from Syracuse, two hours from Niagara Falls, and an hour and a half from Buffalo. It was literally the asscrack of nowhere and the closest town was eleven miles out and you had to drive for ten minutes to find our closest neighbor. Then I move to Ballarat and DAMN that's a lot of people.
Ace-friendly spaces? I haven't met one person yet who knows what being asexual means. I've always been told I was more mature for my age, but I didn't realize I was projecting my own expectations on people as well, expecting them to instantly understand what I was trying to say, that I'd made my point so clear there would be no chance of a misunderstanding. There really is no way for them to "get it" if I have to explain it, it seems.
I probably give off confusing, conflicting signals. I write, watch, and read porn and slightly get off on it(as in I grind on my hand for twenty seconds, get tired and stop. Apparently having a tiny little libido tires me out). I am kinky as fuck in fiction and IRL(funnily enough all of them have me taking a dominant role with no direct stimulation to myself, imagine that...), and make sexual jokes constantly since I call them as I see them(I never let the opportunity for a good penis joke pass me by). I can't but help feel like I am leading them on somehow, maybe making them assume I am much more sexual than I actually am. It doesn't help that apparently I'm a people-magnet. People will meet me and want to date me within a day, saying stuff like "you're so open and understanding and honest" and I'm panicking, saying "nonono, I'm like that because I hate artifice and bullshit; I'm not coming on to you!"
Looking back up at what I've written, I feel horrible. God, I sound like such a pretentious, unappreciative, smug bitch, don't I? "WAH, I'm upset because I attract attention! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH, I get people wanting to date me and it's soooo horrible! WAAAAH!" No wonder my sister hates when I complain about someone I wanted to be friends with showing romantic interest in me.
TEAL DEEEEEEEEEEER T_T
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Firstly, it's actually completely normal for asexuals to masturbate. (Not saying you have to identify as asexual, just talking about people who already do ID as asexual.) I haven't done any kind of formal study on it, but just by like, listening and collecting anecdata, it seems that about the same percentage of asexuals and *sexuals masturbate. Yes, that's right, some people who love partnered sex don't like to masturbate! It seems to be a completely different thing from whether you want partnered sex. Children masturbate, even fetuses masturbate, because it feels good, and wanting to feel good is completely different from having an orientation that makes you attracted to other people.
And a surprising number of asexuals like porn, even some of the repulsed asexuals I know who could never imagine allowing someone to have sex with them. Porn allows them to deal with sex as an idea, not an experience, and that's often ground where asexuals are a lot more comfortable. In some cases, it might also allow them to vicariously get into the experience of a character completely desiring another character, something they'd never be able to feel in real life. Or (*cough* this is me a lot) it allows them to explore the ideas of things that actually would not be good if they happened in real life, and might be somewhat extreme in nature, but are titillating when kept purely in the realm of fantasy. Many asexuals have rich and vivid sex lives in their heads. What makes them asexual is that they are unable or unwilling to share that world with anyone. (And some asexuals are completely vanilla, but then, so are some *sexuals.) Having a sexuality that's only for yourself doesn't make you a tease or secretly repressed or anything. That's just the shape of your sexuality.
And god, I make so many dirty jokes. Why? Because they're funny. I also have less of a sense of sexual taboos. I guess when you have no intention of doing any of it anyway, there's less reason to remember to be repulsed by certain things. Oh, and I even like to flirt! Flirting's the best, it's a saucy sort of word game. But when I flirt, I flirt just to flirt, not to signal that I'd like something more. I like flirting with "safe" people (such as a co-worker in a relationship who has no intention of actually cheating, but also likes the game of flirting) and hopefully people who get my actual meaning and won't misread it. Flirting can make people feel good, too, liked, wanted. It doesn't have to go any further. I guess flirting is like sex when it's still in the realm of ideas and possibilities and not yet experiences.
You shouldn't have to be any less you just to communicate that you're not interested in having sex with people. Like, people might have this idea of asexuals as someone completely nonsexed and virginal, and might have a bit of trouble wrapping their heads around me, but they'd better learn fast.
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Sometimes, with some people (especially people who are not, like, bosom buddies, and never will be) I find it helps to focus on "I am not interested in YOU" rather than "I am not interested in anyone." You'd think it'd be more hurtful, and it's tempting to be like, "No really, it's not you, it's me," but it's something people have an easier time accepting. "I am not interested in anyone" sounds like an invitation to figure you out and get the prize to some people, unfortunately. "I am not interested in you" is still honest, they're just in very good company. A lot of people think a softer rejection is easier, but it just draws it out. The quicker you can kill it, the better. And it's probably true that even if you were into partnered sex, it wouldn't be them anyway. Someone cool enough to get in your pants would also probably be cool enough to get it.
And having a lot of people interested in you isn't a whiny sort of problem, it's a legitimately difficult thing to deal with if you aren't interested in them the same way. Lots of people may wish they had no suitors, but no one wants more suitors that they personally are not interested in.
As for ace-friendly spaces, most of what I know of is online/at home, though I keep to myself a lot. There's AVEN, there's
You might have some luck on queer-friendly spaces though, it depends. Some are a lot more open than others. Whether asexuality counts as queerness is sort of an ongoing debate.
And hah, you thought YOURS was teal deer.