fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1959 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1959 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is a long-shot, but:

Does anyone know any communities, or books, or just general advice, for how to stand up to verbal abuse that's coming from a family member? At work I'm able to hold my own and stand up for myself very well when I need to, but when I come home and my (much older) brother starts up with the assault, I'm unable to even speak to my defense, let alone tell him off to stop being such an ass I'm so terrified of him.

This isn't 'oh grow a thicker akin, anon' this is 'I cry myself to sleep and get panic attacks because of the shit he constantly tells me about 'myself' that is 'true'' Like I'm fat when I eat, I'm stupid when I don't agree with his point of view, I'm retarded when I don't do things 'his way'. I've tried talking to my mom about it, and she just thinks I'm 'overreacting' and that, because he doesn't hit me, it's not abuse.

How far are you from getting out? And the second thing... record it. Record it, record it, record it. And keep fifty backups of those recordings. FreeSoundRecorder helped save our lives getting away from my abusive ex-husband.

Sis and I (we're in this boat together) have a goal to move out by the end of this year, if not sooner. We're looking to find something that's in our price range AND accepts cats (thank god for those cats). I'll try the recording thing, too. Thanks for the suggestion.

Ugh, that's horrible. I don't know what to suggest beyond finding somewhere else to live (which I understand may not be possible) or encouraging him to get his own place, but I saw you hadn't gotten any responses yet and I wanted to offer a word of encouragment.

Something you might try is educating your mother about verbal abuse-- which is likely to rather involve more providing her with independent information than simply trying to explain it to her, if she's already dismissing your concerns. Additionally, there may be (depending on what country you're in) resources in your community that will help you with an abusive situation at home-- it doesn't have to be a parent or spouse, as you well know, for it to make your home life miserable. You can also try talking to a doctor for a referral; either them or the local police ought to have contact info for support groups or otherwise helpful organizations in your area.

By "terrified", do you mean that you're afraid he might try to physically hurt you? Or is he simply intimidating because he's the "big brother" and that's the way the power dynamic is? I know when I was a teen I had to have my parents put a deadbolt on my door because my brother (younger but by then bigger than me) would fly into such rages when I argued with him or told him off that I would be left trying desperately to hold my bedroom door closed and screaming for help from my parents, while he did his level best to batter it down. I was seriously afraid that he would either beat the crap out of me or rape me back then. Now that he's no longer a teen and has calmed down, I just think he's a moron, ha ha. It helps a LOT that we moved about 1200 km apart, though, and that we've simply learned to avoid certain topics on which we just will never agree (because we both think the other a gullible moron-- but I'm right about it *wink*). But aside from those certain topics (like climate change and conspiracy theories *eyeroll*) we actually do get along pretty well these days, especially in small doses.

So it doesn't have to be like that forever, at least.

But everyone deserves a home that is a shelter, emotionally as well as physically, so good on you for looking for help if it's too much to handle on your own. perhaps try to talk to your mum calmly about it when it's not something that he's just gone and done again and explain that, actually, whether or not you're being "too sensitive" or what, his behaviour really is causing you a great deal of stress and anxiety, and you'd really like to have her help in getting him to tone it down.

A deadbolt on your door might help you feel safer, too, and if they wouldn't allow that, you can get these wedge doorstops for when you're travelling and don't trust the hotel locks (http://grahamstravelblog.blogspot.ca/2010/05/veritas-travellers-doorstop-review.html) that aren't super expensive and won't do any permanent damage to the door or frame (there are others out there too).

Good luck with it! I sincerely hope things improve for you. :-)

By terrified I do mean I'm worried he will physically harm me. I'm 5 foot 5 but he's well over 6 feet, loud, and aggressive. He knows this and has prided himself before on getting things he wants by being physcially intimidating. He has never actually struck me, but it's been a near thing.

When I get sick of it and just start arguing back it will escalate into him screaming in my face of how wrong I am and reduce me to tears. My mom has been present for three of these fights and did nothing. Later if I did ask her to do something about it she would downplay what happened (if she didn't deny it had happened in the first place).

Best advice is to seek personal, professional help. A book may be a good read, but a counselor or therapist can walk you through exercises and do role-playing of situations with you that will help you to practice your reactions as well as get to the root of why you react so strongly to what he is saying.

Books can define boundaries, but it may take a person (or a group of people) to help you to put those definitions and tactics into actual *use* and to help you deal with it when you first try to stand up for yourself against him.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You are not overreacting in any way, and I am so sorry your mom is not being supportive of you.

I agree with the things other people have said here and would add that you might look to a teacher or professor for advice/help. I know I frequently refer students to resources when they come to me with personal problems.

I wish I knew what to tell you, OP. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and I had to physically move away in order for things to start getting any better, but I know that isn't always possible with family. Especially if you're younger.
Everybody's already given really good advice, so I just wanted to say that even though people might be more likely to shrug it off verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

Though if I could suggest a good book? It's called Boundaries and while it is a Christian book (there are mentions of religion and there's a full chapter dealing with God) there's a lot of really good general information that's relevant to everybody. It certainly can't fix a bad relationship, but it did give me a better idea of what was going on with my mother and I.
(http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310585902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337055334&sr=8-1)

You have my sympathies anon. Had things that started similar to that escalate with my brother to the point it did turn into physical abuse- because it's not like an authority figure stopped him before that- and he got to spend the weekend in juvenile detention before our family shipped him out of state to avoid a recurrence of that lovely piece of family drama.

Totally agree with above commenter on recording things as they happen- Lord willing you won't need them, but it's better to be sure if it could come down to a 'he said she said' circumstance.

Be safe!

[ SECRET POST #1959 ]

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