fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1967 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1967 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 051 secrets from Secret Submission Post #281.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I can't quite tell what you're trying to say, but to my best guess it's that the term "Nice Guy" is misused so much now that it's hard to take it seriously anymore? And if it's that, I agree.

It had a pretty clear original meaning- someone who claims to be "nice", but treats the people they're attracted to like "it's wrong to reject me, why can't you at least try?". It's about entitlement. And there's plenty of characters in fandom that do fit that description, but it's been spread around so much it's lost its meaning. Any character who crushes on an uninterested friend or someone they don't know, or any character who doesn't take rejection perfectly, is now a "Nice Guy".

And like, I get if the character on that receiving end of the unwanted crush, or the character who's upset that their friend is pulling away a little after being rejected, isn't having a good time of it either! I think people might be confusing "this person with the unrequited crush isn't doing anything really wrong" with "we're supposed to feel sorry for them and not sympathize at all with the character who just wants to be friends or whatever". And that's not true. These situations are shitty and awkward, usually for both people, but messy feelings is totally a normal part of the human condition and even though it's not convenient all the time, it's oversimplifying to slap a "shitty person alert!" sticker on somebody just for that.

I liked the phrase when I first heard it. I've had people act entitled to dating me, and I went through a really shitty entitled phase in my teenage years when I did that to other people, and seeing it dissected helped me understand how I was being selfish and not having enough empathy, and how it was wrong, both when it was done to me and when I did it. But come on, that's not like, Peeta, or Finn, or Kanaya. Use it too much and it becomes harder to keep the term concise and centered around the people who are actually being dicks.

and don't get me started on the recent "anyone who says 'friendzone' hates women" bullshit, okay? it's a dumb word, but whether it's Nice Guy territory depends on the content and tone of what someone's saying. just like almost everything else.

Also, of course someone's going to be disappointed and hurt and, yeah, maybe even angry if they get rejected. Are they seriously supposed to be perfectly happy about being just friends if they have romantic feelings? Not every hurtful situation has a villain and a victim. There's a difference between being generally angry that things didn't turn out the way you wanted and that you can't be with the person you have a crush on, and being angry at and blaming the person you have a crush on for rejecting you because you think you deserved to have them. Protip: the former usually try to hide their feelings because they know they're irrational, while the latter honestly think they have a right to be angry.

I think if you're taking out your anger on the person who rejected you, that's not okay. Forgivable if there's an apology soon after, depending on who these people are and their relationship, but not really... okay.

Feeling hurt and feeling angry though, yes. I keep hearing it like "if you really liked them, you'd be happy being friends" and maybe that's true after the rejected party gets over it, but immediate "okay, yay friendship!" is a pretty unrealistic expectation. That is just not how emotions usually work. People get disappointed if it rains on their day off, or if they buy a pair of shoes over the internet and they don't fit. Whether your crush likes you or not is way more important to most people, so of course most people are going to feel at least a little disappointment!

Of course hurt feelings don't excuse being a horrible person, but just having them doesn't make you a horrible person.

[ SECRET POST #1967 ]

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