Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-06-05 06:42 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-06-05 06:42 pm
[ SECRET POST #1981 ]
⌈ Secret Post #1981 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 68 secrets from Secret Submission Post #283.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
no subject
I came out to myself at nearly-15. I had the good fortune to have the one "out" lesbian in my high school give me her blessing. I'd been in a few relationships (I started early, though prior to the one I was in right then, it had been limited to hand-holding and one daring kiss on the cheek) but it had all been with boys. Basically my then-boyfriend and I were both freshmen, and he had a crush on *the* hottest senior, and skipped out on our planned walk-back-and-smooch session to walk back with *her*, and I forgave him because ok, she *was* hot. Cue him freaking out because I was bisexual. Way to go, man. I talked to our lesbian friend because I wasn't sure, and she asked me if I could see myself dating another woman, if I could see myself making out with another woman, and if I could see myself getting it on with another woman. I answered yes to all of the above. She told me that in that case, I was bisexual.
At that point in time, it was still all very theoretical. I had experienced active sexual desire for guys, but not for girls. Within the next 3 months, having given myself permission to *notice* these things, I experienced sexual attraction for, and then fell head-over-heels for a very nice girl; she and I are still friends today, over 15 years later, though we did go many of those years without speaking. It took me about 15 years after realizing that I was bisexual to realize that I in fact had been getting crushes on girls as well as boys from preschool on. I just had never considered those *crushes* because of the heteronormative societal framing that is willing to acknowledge opposite-sex romantic attraction between toddlers but not same-sex romantic attraction. ALL THE FACEPALM EVER.
Basically if you can imagine yourself in a relationship with a person of any gender, you probably are bisexual; as you get actual relationship experience, you can start narrowing down things about what common things you tend to be attracted to in actual practice. It also depends on audience. These days when describing my sexuality to people who are dubious about anything other than heterosexuality, I say bisexual, because that's enough of a fight right there. To the LGBTQI* community in general, I tend to say pansexual, because hello people not included in the gender binary who I might still actually date. To people who might conceivably be setting me up on a date, I specify sapiosexual, because basically all of my really fabulous relationships have been with very smart people, and I've had enough experiences of not finding someone's looks particularly compelling until they start talking about something that they're really passionately into and know a lot about, and suddenly finding them overwhelmingly attractive, to know that this is really really important to me.
I tend to view identification as buttons/badges rather than boxes. Collect the "I want to kiss guys" and "I want to kiss chicks" badge, and you get the "bisexual" badge free!
I also get the urge to come out to fannish friends, because a lot of my queer community *is* my fannish friends. A lot of the m/m and f/f fic that's read and written around the parts of fandom that I hang out in is not just YAY HOT SEX, but also themes of finding identity and community in a scarily heterosexist world. A whole lot of my friends who are in monogamous opposite-sex relationships are bisexual. Another more-than-a-few of my friends are asexual or potentially asexual (and at least one is having the "am I really asexual or just a late bloomer" quandry, which is sort of the opposite of the "am I really bisexual or just accepting and curious" quandry).
So. Yeah. Hi. Welcome. I hope you find a safe space -- within fandom, within queer communities that are inclusive of fandom, and within yourself -- to explore.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2012-06-06 04:57 pm (UTC)(link)Ha! I love that way of looking at it. Thank you for sharing your story, seriously. It's always a good feeling to know that you're not alone. To be honest, the more I read and the more people I talk to(seriously, I've learned more in the past two days than I have every before about bisexuality, and that is awesome), the more convinced I am that it's OK to say you're bi and collect badges later on instead of worrying so much. It'll be a long time before I can come out completely IRL, but I feel more and more like starting with some of my online friends and seeing where life takes me from there would work.
Again, thank you. The sheer number of encouraging, enlightening, and informative comments I've gotten has kinda blown my mind. To be honest, I expected a few calling me a troll, some validating my fears, and a few "just come out!" comments, but never this. And it's really helped me with those insecurities and lingering fears.
/gushy sap
no subject
I totally agree this can happen. Even with just sexuality in general. Once I became open with my sexuality to myself I started noticing things I liked that I had no idea I liked before. It's so funny how that happens and all we have to do is open up. I guess repression really does exist.
I also had crushes on girls that I dismissed because of the "you have to be one or the other." I wish I had come out to myself earlier because I feel like that would have given myself more time to become comfortable with it myself. Now I'm in the awkward phase of getting used to identifying as bi/pan.