[ SECRET POST #1981 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1981 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 68 secrets from Secret Submission Post #283.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

OP here

Now I feel a little silly for literally having never been told/realized that not all bi people are equally attracted to both sexes. You can tell my education has been lacking and that I'm quite nervous about even talking to the bisexuals I know (in fandom). *facepalm*

Seriously, though, you guys have been super nice, so thank you. I still don't know if I plan on coming out to anyone ever(I've always thought it's my own business, but knowing me, I'll let something slip at one point or another by accident and it'll all be out).

I'm still struggling to figure out if it's "real" or not. I know I like girls and guys, and I can totally imagine myself in a relationship with girls and guys. But I haven't ever been in a relationship, with a guy or a girl, so I don't know if I'm trying to put myself in a box, or what. Which is stupid, because I think boxes are silly. But I still want some way to identify myself. I just don't even know what I'm doing.

[thene]

People usually describe themselves as coming out of a closet rather than going into a box. Just being out can make it easier to relax and figure out what you're feeling. Some people come out as bi and then come out again as something else later. The fact that you're still worrying about 'letting something slip' might be a sign that staying closeted is more stress than you're comfortable with; even if you just find one person you want to talk to about this, it might make you feel a lot better, and then you can really not care about if or when anyone else finds out.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, looking at the words I choose is pretty telling of how I feel about it all, lol. I'm just stuck in a conundrum(or so I feel), 'cause I like structure and order and easily defined things, but I think sexuality is fluid and you shouldn't have to identify yourself as any specific way. But I like to be structured.
TBH I feel like if I were to come out to myself(for lack of a better way to put it), I'd be able to come to terms with a lot of stuff about myself, which might lead to me keeping a less tight lid on my lady-loving commentary, which could lead to slip-ups(IRL and online), which could lead to people knowing, especially IRL, where coming out isn't really an option.
I'm really considering making an entry to talk with some of my good trusted friends about it all.

[thene]

Future paranoia is NEVER A GOOD SIGN. The opposite is way more likely in any case, surely - that having at least some space to chill out and talk about yourself will make it easier to keep the walls up the rest of the time. At one point recently I had two jobs and was out at one of them but not the other. A lot of LGBT people have that kind of selective closeting going on - it's very normal and most people maintain it comfortably.

'Coming out to myself' is a great way to put it, and one a lot of people use to describe their histories. I hope that talking to your friends helps, anon.

[(Anonymous)]

I can't actually compare our situations but I do know I had a lot of these feelings and thoughts before my inevitable coming out and I did have some problems and fights but ultimately I did feel a lot better once I acknowledged my sexuality and let other people around me get to know me better. Relationships with my friends did change, in some cases they got even better and now I feel so much more secure in knowing that I'm really valued for who I am by my remaining and new friends. It was like ripping off a band-aid and if it is something you want to do I would recommend just going for it.

Labels can change

[(Anonymous)]

It still sounds like you are figuring out your sexual identity. Labels are important, but you don't have to stick to one.

For example

I started off assuming I was heterosexual even before I heard the word.
Then in high school I identified as a bi-romantic asexual who was mostly interested in men.

When I was nineteen, my brain decided that I wasn't done with puberty yet and whoosh, hormones. After about three monthes, I figured things out and identified as a bisexual who liked men and woman equally. Over two years I had crushes on three men and four women.

Right now, I'm mostly interested in women, but still identify as bisexual or queer.

All of the labels were true at the time, but I wasn't stuck because I chose one. You might find other words that work better for you, or that bisexuality fits you best. No rush. All that matters is that you feel comfortable with who you are.

Sorry for TMI, but I'm glad the thread above helped.

Re: Labels can change

[(Anonymous)]

I've always told myself that a) sexuality is fluid, and b) so are labels. Which is why I've always just gone with heterosexual, since up until recently, I was very strongly heterosexual without a second look at most women. Now that I'm considering making the labeling switch, I just feel like I need to be 100% sure before I make the jump, because I don't want to be wishy-washy. Not to insult those who are/have been in transition and undergo change, I just...like I explained somewhere upthread, I like my structure and linear order and anything else tends to drive me absolutely nuts. I'm the worst type of personality to be trying to figure out my sexuality, lol.

Re: Labels can change

[kathkin]

Only tangentially related, but:

When I was nineteen, my brain decided that I wasn't done with puberty yet and whoosh, hormones.

I'm so glad to meet somehow else who had this happen! xD I didn't identify as asexual beforehand because it didn't really register with me that aesthetic attraction =/= sexual attraction, but when I was seventeen, like you said, 'whoosh, hormones!' and 'suddenly, lesbian!'. It was the most disconcerting thing and up until now I figured it was just me. xD

Re: Labels can change

[(Anonymous)]

I'm the anon who posted the comment above.

I thought I was weird too, but my second boyfriend had this happen to him when he was 21.

Re: Labels can change

[kathkin]

I'm glad I'm not alone! :3 Also not even that old to have had this happen, huh.

[azurelunatic]

You're totally not off-base to be apprehensive about people -- STRAIGHT PEOPLE -- declaring you're not a "real bisexual" if you're not 50/50, sadly. This is why I chose the most offensive possible way to come out at one of my previous workplaces. I knew my team respected me as a person and would never dream of doing anything in front of my face to make me uncomfortable, but the fact that they didn't know that I was queer meant that they'd talk shit about LGBTQI* folks in front of me without realizing that I *was*, in a way that they'd never have spoken in front of "Mr. Out" (seriously, there were like 40% LGBTQI* folks on that team, and out of like 20 people, only 1 was out in the workplace). So I bided my time, and the next time some discussion of a hot woman came up, I prefaced my statement with "I'm only 20-30% dyke" because I knew if I just said "I'm bisexual" my *dear* STRAIGHT co-workers would pressure me about percentages and then declare I wasn't a REAL BISEXUAL. Because guess what happened at the *last* workplace. Oh god Arizona, I do *not* miss you.

I came out to myself at nearly-15. I had the good fortune to have the one "out" lesbian in my high school give me her blessing. I'd been in a few relationships (I started early, though prior to the one I was in right then, it had been limited to hand-holding and one daring kiss on the cheek) but it had all been with boys. Basically my then-boyfriend and I were both freshmen, and he had a crush on *the* hottest senior, and skipped out on our planned walk-back-and-smooch session to walk back with *her*, and I forgave him because ok, she *was* hot. Cue him freaking out because I was bisexual. Way to go, man. I talked to our lesbian friend because I wasn't sure, and she asked me if I could see myself dating another woman, if I could see myself making out with another woman, and if I could see myself getting it on with another woman. I answered yes to all of the above. She told me that in that case, I was bisexual.

At that point in time, it was still all very theoretical. I had experienced active sexual desire for guys, but not for girls. Within the next 3 months, having given myself permission to *notice* these things, I experienced sexual attraction for, and then fell head-over-heels for a very nice girl; she and I are still friends today, over 15 years later, though we did go many of those years without speaking. It took me about 15 years after realizing that I was bisexual to realize that I in fact had been getting crushes on girls as well as boys from preschool on. I just had never considered those *crushes* because of the heteronormative societal framing that is willing to acknowledge opposite-sex romantic attraction between toddlers but not same-sex romantic attraction. ALL THE FACEPALM EVER.

Basically if you can imagine yourself in a relationship with a person of any gender, you probably are bisexual; as you get actual relationship experience, you can start narrowing down things about what common things you tend to be attracted to in actual practice. It also depends on audience. These days when describing my sexuality to people who are dubious about anything other than heterosexuality, I say bisexual, because that's enough of a fight right there. To the LGBTQI* community in general, I tend to say pansexual, because hello people not included in the gender binary who I might still actually date. To people who might conceivably be setting me up on a date, I specify sapiosexual, because basically all of my really fabulous relationships have been with very smart people, and I've had enough experiences of not finding someone's looks particularly compelling until they start talking about something that they're really passionately into and know a lot about, and suddenly finding them overwhelmingly attractive, to know that this is really really important to me.

I tend to view identification as buttons/badges rather than boxes. Collect the "I want to kiss guys" and "I want to kiss chicks" badge, and you get the "bisexual" badge free!

I also get the urge to come out to fannish friends, because a lot of my queer community *is* my fannish friends. A lot of the m/m and f/f fic that's read and written around the parts of fandom that I hang out in is not just YAY HOT SEX, but also themes of finding identity and community in a scarily heterosexist world. A whole lot of my friends who are in monogamous opposite-sex relationships are bisexual. Another more-than-a-few of my friends are asexual or potentially asexual (and at least one is having the "am I really asexual or just a late bloomer" quandry, which is sort of the opposite of the "am I really bisexual or just accepting and curious" quandry).

So. Yeah. Hi. Welcome. I hope you find a safe space -- within fandom, within queer communities that are inclusive of fandom, and within yourself -- to explore.

[(Anonymous)]

I tend to view identification as buttons/badges rather than boxes. Collect the "I want to kiss guys" and "I want to kiss chicks" badge, and you get the "bisexual" badge free!

Ha! I love that way of looking at it. Thank you for sharing your story, seriously. It's always a good feeling to know that you're not alone. To be honest, the more I read and the more people I talk to(seriously, I've learned more in the past two days than I have every before about bisexuality, and that is awesome), the more convinced I am that it's OK to say you're bi and collect badges later on instead of worrying so much. It'll be a long time before I can come out completely IRL, but I feel more and more like starting with some of my online friends and seeing where life takes me from there would work.

Again, thank you. The sheer number of encouraging, enlightening, and informative comments I've gotten has kinda blown my mind. To be honest, I expected a few calling me a troll, some validating my fears, and a few "just come out!" comments, but never this. And it's really helped me with those insecurities and lingering fears.
/gushy sap

[broadwaybabe11.livejournal.com]

" Within the next 3 months, having given myself permission to *notice* these things, I experienced sexual attraction for, and then fell head-over-heels for a very nice girl"

I totally agree this can happen. Even with just sexuality in general. Once I became open with my sexuality to myself I started noticing things I liked that I had no idea I liked before. It's so funny how that happens and all we have to do is open up. I guess repression really does exist.
I also had crushes on girls that I dismissed because of the "you have to be one or the other." I wish I had come out to myself earlier because I feel like that would have given myself more time to become comfortable with it myself. Now I'm in the awkward phase of getting used to identifying as bi/pan.

[arcadiaego]

You don't have to feel silly. People don't just wake up knowing this stuff, and it's not as if bisexuality is represented frequently (or accurately) in the media or anything. Everyone's got to start somewhere. :) Take your time, you don't have to label yourself as anything if you don't want to. But you also don't have to have been in a relationship to identify a certain way.