[ SECRET POST #1984 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1984 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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13.
[Little Shop of Horrors]


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14.
[Sherlock BBC]


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15. http://i.imgur.com/Jxlnf.png
[sort of porny and possible underage; photomanip, Snape/Hermione]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]












16. [SPOILER WARNING for Arrested Development]
[TRIGGER WARNING for incest]



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17. [TRIGGER WARNING for rape]



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18. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse, suicide]



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19. [TRIGGER WARNING for sexual violence, rape, coercion, cult like mentalities, and violence]



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20. [TRIGGER WARNING for pedophilia]

[Let the Right One In/Låt den rätte komma in]


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21. [TRIGGER WARNING for body horror, gore]

[Parasyte]


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22. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse]



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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #283.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, OP.

I have been depressed for years. I have forgotten how life is when you are not depressed. I've been telling myself that I was born to suffer, that I would never be enough, that nobody cared for me. I almost committed suicide and I had a phase of hurting myself physically. Until recently, fantasizing about suicide was the only thing that helped me, strange and twisted as I found it. I live alone, and sometimes there were weeks when I never left home or when I never talked with anyone but my mother (who checked on me regularly by phone). Weeks where I barely ate and bathed. I cried for days and then barely moved the following days. I lived in anxiety and terror and guilt. My mother always found me wanting and my father was abusive. The rest of my family forgot about me. For a long time, I was bullied and friendless. The only one who I think truly cares for me is my cat, and she's not with me right now.

It was hell. I'm not outside yet.

I'm still depressed. I still suffer anxiety. I still wonder why I'm alive. I still feel guilty and responsible for things outside my control. I still feel alone. I still wonder if I, if everyone, wouldn't be better of if I was dead.

But now, I have days when I'm calm, when I can enjoy things, little and insignificant, maybe. Days when I want to live. When I want to find something that I want to do, and do it with all my might.

I'm currently on therapy, and it has helped me a lot. I'm not only going with a psychologist, but I also go with the psychiatrist. With therapy and medication, I'm feeling better. I won't lie. At first, the sudden calm feels shallow, fake. It's strange and I even missed being depressed. It was conflicting. But now, that I'm finally getting things out and understanding myself a bit better, it feels more real, bit by bit. I hope that one day I don't need medication or therapy twice a month in order to feel stable.

You can choose how to life. You have that power. I know how it is to feel like they have stripped you from that power, that you've got no choice and, that after all, you don't deserve one. I still feel like that. But I'm learning that's not true. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

My psychologist told me we can choose to live and be happy, and to live and suffer. It's our choice and it's personal. And yes, if after everything you find out that you still want to be with your husband even if he's a jerk, it's your choice and you're the only one who should make it. That you should choose a life you feel comfortable with, even if some people think you're crazy.

A good psychologist/psychiatrist won't judge you. I've been through five doctors, before finding my current psychologist and psychiatrist. Four of them judged me on my first visit. I felt horrible and small and pathetic and undeserving. I never returned. I didn't took the medication they gave me. It made me reluctant to look for help again, and just deepened my despair. Until something happened that made me felt that I needed help. And I visited the fifth psychiatrist. She didn't judge me, she was understanding and professional and very, very kind. She also directed me to a place where I could get joint therapy, and to my current therapists. They have both been understanding and helpful and kind.

Sometimes it gets more than one try, but you'll eventually find someone to help you. Don't stop trying till you're finally comfortable with the life you chose. No matter what others say, no matter what you might believe right now, you're a good person and you deserve it.

And, finally, even if my mother wasn't perfect, was mildly abusive and always found me wanting, I couldn't commit suicide because she was depressed too, and I couldn't leave her alone. I had to care for her and be for her. I love her, very, very much. I even love my father, still, no matter how hurtful he had been. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't, but I do. Don't doubt the love your child. Do your best and he'll remember your kindness when you make a mistake, and realize you're a human, but that you still love him. Don't doubt that.

Be strong, OP. You deserve a good life. *hugs.*