[ SECRET POST #1984 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1984 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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13.
[Little Shop of Horrors]


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14.
[Sherlock BBC]


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15. http://i.imgur.com/Jxlnf.png
[sort of porny and possible underage; photomanip, Snape/Hermione]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]












16. [SPOILER WARNING for Arrested Development]
[TRIGGER WARNING for incest]



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17. [TRIGGER WARNING for rape]



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18. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse, suicide]



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19. [TRIGGER WARNING for sexual violence, rape, coercion, cult like mentalities, and violence]



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20. [TRIGGER WARNING for pedophilia]

[Let the Right One In/Låt den rätte komma in]


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21. [TRIGGER WARNING for body horror, gore]

[Parasyte]


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22. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse]



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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #283.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

18. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse, suicide]
http://i.imgur.com/0TYqy.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

If it's a real possibility, yeah, kick your husband out.

That's a vicious cycle of

being abused -> giving up and believing the abuse -> trying to change -> being abused -> giving up and believing the abuse

that makes everything seem more negative, more hopeless than it is in reality.

It sounds like you need your parents' help, at least for now, but if your husband isn't cooperating or helping or anything, then there is no loss in cutting him out of your life. (but research the legality of the consequences first, to check if there could be any)

Try to get to the situation where you no longer need to rely on people who don't care for you, and where you can keep your son away from their influence.

You can do it, OP. Don't believe that you can't.

[mollywobbles867]

I just want to hug you right now. I think you do need to see a therapist if at all possible. They won't think you're weird and they will help you as best they can. They can help you take the steps you need to take to be able to deal with the ramifications of being bullied and abused when you were younger. It will not be easy, but you'll feel stronger in the end. If you see a therapist and you don't feel comfortable with them, find another one if possible. If you have a GP, they may be able to recommend one for you in the area.

I've been suicidal before. The hardest part is seeking help.

[(Anonymous)]

If I could give you a hug across the Internet, I would.

The people who bullied you didn't do it because there was something wrong with YOU. They did it because there was something horribly wrong with THEM. You are not to blame for their ugliness.

The nasty voice in your head that tells you how much you suck is a LIAR. I should know--I lived with a similar bastard lurking in my head for more years than you've been alive. I've learned all kinds of ways to defy it.

I've been in and out of therapy and on and off antidepressants for years. I don't apologize to anyone for any of it. Find a good therapist, get help, please. You deserve so much better than you've been allowing yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

Please read this, OP: pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-does-she-stay-with-that-jerk.html?m=1

[bead]

You are stronger than you know, keeping yourself going. Do try a therapist, and you don't have to stick with the first one, if it's not a good fit. If you feel intimidated by giving your story, bring your post with you.

You deserve help and life and love. I think you're about ready to do something good for yourself.

[elaminator]

This is such an awful situation OP, and you should definitely kick your husband out if it's at all possible. Though I've never been to a therapist, these people deal with these situations and issues everyday so you shouldn't feel weird or unusual at all. While I do think some things in your life need to change, none of what's happened to you is your fault or something you should be ashamed of, and you've got to remember that.

The problem is not you, it's those who prey on others. I wish you all the best and hope you get help soon.

[lielac]

There is nothing wrong with you. There are SHITTONS of things wrong with bullies and abuse, but there is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING, wrong with you. You are not a problem. You are NOT a problem. Just because there are people with 'worse' lives than you does NOT mean your life is one you deserve to have. ALL people deserve happiness so long as their happiness is not derived from the unhappiness of others. Your husband can go to HELL, you deserve exactly NONE of whatever he says to you or whatever 'reasons' he has for yelling. YOU ARE NOT A PROBLEM. Your parents SHOULD be proud of you because you are TRYING TO LIVE.

The only therapist that would think of you as 'weird' and allow you to think they think that is one that deserves a steel-toed boot to the ass. Therapists are (or if they're not they should be in my very much NOT humble opinion because fuck humble I am RIGHTEOUSLY ANGRY right now) trained in being there for people, to help people work through the knotted intricacies of their minds and come out functional, stable, and able to think of themselves as WORTHY. Which, incidentally, YOU ARE. You always are.

I don't know how much this will help, but let it be known that there is at least one person on this earth who gives a damn about lost and lonely strangers. I care. I will give you every single e-hug I can type and then my fingers shall fall off and I will glue them back on and keep going because YOU DESERVE THEM.

Have I mentioned you deserve love? Because you do. The Doctor would agree.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[turloughs]

This makes me so sad and I just want to hug you OP. Honestly Doctor Who has helped me through a lot of tough times. I hope that you can get help.

[grackle]

OP if you get a therapist they're not going to judge you unless they're a really bad therapist. If they're a really bad therapist, you just switch and get a new one. Problem solved.

ETA: I don't mean all your personal problems would be solved, just any therapist problems. I do seriously recommend therapy.

[thene]

OP, if you need somewhere to open up and talk about what's happening and maybe get some advice for people who've experienced similar things themselves, I recommend _survivors_. It's a very safe, knowledgeable and validating community and no one will think that you're weird for being there with us.

[(Anonymous)]

Please kick your husband out. You don't deserve any of this.

Listen to this song. It saved my life. I hope it saves yours.

[(Anonymous)]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

I know the people who know you online would do anything they could to help you. Maybe you could reach out to some of your online friends.

[(Anonymous)]

I also think that a therapist could really help you. And no, they won't think you're weird.

I recently went back to my therapist myself and for months I wondered if it was really necessary because 'other people were much worse off' and 'it's not that bad'. Trust me, when you mention this to your therapist he or she will immediately reassure you that it doesn't matter. You can't compare situations like that, you can't measure pain.

If you feel you need help, then find someone. If you can't afford a therapist, maybe there's a support group nearby.

I agree with many others here that you should get away from your husband either by kicking him out or by leaving yourself. You should decide what's best legally, financially, and of course for your child. I'd suggest moving in with your parents, but that doesn't seem to be an option. I wouldn't be so sure about your parents' feelings; depression can cloud your judgment about stuff like that and they are helping you out.

Also, I can't imagine raising a child even on my best day. If you've been feeling that miserable and yet you've been taking care of your child, I think that's pretty amazing and something to be proud of.

[(Anonymous)]

You're very strong to come here and tell your story. Really. It takes a lot of courage to even get to that step, even if you don't realize it. I want you to know that you don't deserve any of what is happening to you. If and when you think you're ready to take that next step, you might find it easier to talk to an anonymous hotline. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) has both a telephone and online hotline. They can provide you with advice and resources, as can the RAINN (http://www.rainn.org/) hotline (again, both telephone and online). You are not alone, OP.

If it helps, OP, the Doctor would not want you to be unhappy with your life. He would not think you are weird. And neither do I.

[(Anonymous)]

Dear OP, you might not believe me but I just went through exactly what you've ben going through. We have similiar age (I'm 2 years younger) and our childs too (mine's one year older). I would hug you if I can and even if other say that by internet it's not possible, I must confess my Fandom friends kept me sane thorough it and deifntiely avoided me commiting suicide. Because you don't kill yourself when you kid is depending on you but that doesn't mean you don't wish for it.

What I can advice you is to kick his fucking lazy ass of your house, because he'll drain you and you will be unhappy and he'll take everything from you and when you are left with nothing, he'll just leave to find someone that is a whole and not just a vassel of nothing. Probably the reason your parents aren't as close to you as you wish is because of him. I learned that in the hard way. Now that he's out of my life I'm becoming happier and healthier and my child too. Break the cycle, honey. It will be really really hard but no one deserves to endure her self-estimee being kicked every single day by the person that should care about you and love you and making you feel loved.

You are a wonderful person, and not weird at all. it's more common than you think and you can keep it up, trust me.

I only have one friend and I'm trying to resusitate our frienship from scratch. it's sort of working, yet I'll be always grateful to the people in the other side of the screen for caring about me when nobody else did.

We care OP, we care.

You can get out of that whole because you're a strong wonderful woman. And the most important human being to that little boy. Don't forget that.

*upload ALL the Doctor hugging gifs*

[masakochan]

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, OP.

I have been depressed for years. I have forgotten how life is when you are not depressed. I've been telling myself that I was born to suffer, that I would never be enough, that nobody cared for me. I almost committed suicide and I had a phase of hurting myself physically. Until recently, fantasizing about suicide was the only thing that helped me, strange and twisted as I found it. I live alone, and sometimes there were weeks when I never left home or when I never talked with anyone but my mother (who checked on me regularly by phone). Weeks where I barely ate and bathed. I cried for days and then barely moved the following days. I lived in anxiety and terror and guilt. My mother always found me wanting and my father was abusive. The rest of my family forgot about me. For a long time, I was bullied and friendless. The only one who I think truly cares for me is my cat, and she's not with me right now.

It was hell. I'm not outside yet.

I'm still depressed. I still suffer anxiety. I still wonder why I'm alive. I still feel guilty and responsible for things outside my control. I still feel alone. I still wonder if I, if everyone, wouldn't be better of if I was dead.

But now, I have days when I'm calm, when I can enjoy things, little and insignificant, maybe. Days when I want to live. When I want to find something that I want to do, and do it with all my might.

I'm currently on therapy, and it has helped me a lot. I'm not only going with a psychologist, but I also go with the psychiatrist. With therapy and medication, I'm feeling better. I won't lie. At first, the sudden calm feels shallow, fake. It's strange and I even missed being depressed. It was conflicting. But now, that I'm finally getting things out and understanding myself a bit better, it feels more real, bit by bit. I hope that one day I don't need medication or therapy twice a month in order to feel stable.

You can choose how to life. You have that power. I know how it is to feel like they have stripped you from that power, that you've got no choice and, that after all, you don't deserve one. I still feel like that. But I'm learning that's not true. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

My psychologist told me we can choose to live and be happy, and to live and suffer. It's our choice and it's personal. And yes, if after everything you find out that you still want to be with your husband even if he's a jerk, it's your choice and you're the only one who should make it. That you should choose a life you feel comfortable with, even if some people think you're crazy.

A good psychologist/psychiatrist won't judge you. I've been through five doctors, before finding my current psychologist and psychiatrist. Four of them judged me on my first visit. I felt horrible and small and pathetic and undeserving. I never returned. I didn't took the medication they gave me. It made me reluctant to look for help again, and just deepened my despair. Until something happened that made me felt that I needed help. And I visited the fifth psychiatrist. She didn't judge me, she was understanding and professional and very, very kind. She also directed me to a place where I could get joint therapy, and to my current therapists. They have both been understanding and helpful and kind.

Sometimes it gets more than one try, but you'll eventually find someone to help you. Don't stop trying till you're finally comfortable with the life you chose. No matter what others say, no matter what you might believe right now, you're a good person and you deserve it.

And, finally, even if my mother wasn't perfect, was mildly abusive and always found me wanting, I couldn't commit suicide because she was depressed too, and I couldn't leave her alone. I had to care for her and be for her. I love her, very, very much. I even love my father, still, no matter how hurtful he had been. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't, but I do. Don't doubt the love your child. Do your best and he'll remember your kindness when you make a mistake, and realize you're a human, but that you still love him. Don't doubt that.

Be strong, OP. You deserve a good life. *hugs.*

[(Anonymous)]

You can do it.

The Doctor would be honoured to have you as his conpanion.

I found my doctor recently and it has changed my life.

I know that he isn't real but on my bad days I pretend he is... it makes me feel better and I don't care what people think.

[insanenoodlyguy]

I don't think any rash actions we can give you are necessarily the best. After all, we don't know the whole situation from even a longer post like yours.

I will say I think you can trust you the average therapist has seen some weird shit. Even if not, his job isn't to judge your weirdness, it's to help you with feelings you aren't necessarily capable of sorting through by yourself right now because they are crashing through your head in a way that interferes with that kind of objective thought. There's no shame in that. And if what you do with a therapist creates that as a perpetual atmosphere, you need to get a new therapist!

My advice though? Get away if you can. Not permanently yet, but somewhere other then where you are, even if temporary. You might need to get out of what seems like an environment of insanity. From there, you can take stock and hopefully have a better perspective. Maybe that is a therapist, maybe that's a hotel. But do it for yourself.

All of this being said, you are clearly unhappy where you are now. Continuing this way would be folly. Something does need to change. I hope that you can do that for yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

Trust me. You need to see a therapist. Depression is all over your post. Don't be afraid that the therapist will think you're weird--I *guarantee* you that they've seen weirder, and probably a *lot* weirder.

The thing about depression is it destroys your ability to think and evaluate your situation clearly. Once your therapist helps you get the depression out of your head (possibly with medication; it really helped me), you'll be in so much better a place to take action to change your life, escape your abusive situation, care for your child, all of it. It'll be like taking a rock off your back; finally you'll be able to move again. You don't deserve to feel like this.

[thetasigma88]

OP, I have never posted on fandomsecrets before or any fandom-related LJ but Doctor Who is my fandom and I understand where you're coming from.

Last year, I too never did anything right, I was abused, depressed, anxious and unsure about what the point of living is. I think you wrote exactly how I felt last year.

I don't have any advice beyond that you should seek help, but please please please, if you need a friend, message me.

We can fangirl over 11. Fangirl-ing over 11 is cool now.

[(Anonymous)]

When I was three years old, my mother left my father and took me with her. She was frightened but she made herself do it for my sake. I would have had a nightmarish childhood if she hadn't gathered up the courage to leave.

You owe it to your little boy to do the same. It might be impractical to just get a divorce right away, but you should look into your options. I know you're afraid of being on your own-- but just think, it HAS to be better than living with someone who treats you like that.

Also, a therapist is the one person guaranteed not to think you're weird. Therapists deal with truly bizarre, crazy people all the time-- you can tell them anything, they've heard worse.

Good luck. And even if you don't have someone who will physically hug you... you still have all of us. We are all hugging you electronically. We love you. Try to learn to love yourself as much as we love you.

[maiira]

Everyone has said it better than I have, and all I can do is agree with all of them: you deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a happy, healthy son and a happy, healthy relationship with your son. Your son also deserves to have a happy, healthy childhood.

But most of all, you deserve HELP. Please, I implore you, find a therapist. A good one. No therapist even remotely worth their salt will judge you, and if they do, turn right back around and walk the hell on out. Don't give up, please. You are worth it, I promise.