fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1984 ]

[ SECRET POST #1984 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1984 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Little Shop of Horrors]

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[Sherlock BBC]

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15. http://i.imgur.com/Jxlnf.png
[sort of porny and possible underage; photomanip, Snape/Hermione]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

16. [SPOILER WARNING for Arrested Development]
[TRIGGER WARNING for incest]

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17. [TRIGGER WARNING for rape]

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18. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse, suicide]

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19. [TRIGGER WARNING for sexual violence, rape, coercion, cult like mentalities, and violence]

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20. [TRIGGER WARNING for pedophilia]

[Let the Right One In/Låt den rätte komma in]

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21. [TRIGGER WARNING for body horror, gore]

[Parasyte]

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22. [TRIGGER WARNING for abuse]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #283.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I just wanted to thank everyone, from the bottom of my heart, for such kind and helpful comments. It means a lot to me. Rarely is anyone that nice to me. I know I need to seek help, and after your encouragement, I am pretty sure I will. I can't promise, because, as much as I want to, I'm just so scared to talk to anyone about it. I feel ashamed and guilty for everything bad that has happened. I know I should kick my husband out...the house belongs to my parents (they live downstairs, and the upstairs apartment was given to me), so, technically, I could kick him out. I wish I knew how evil he was before we got married...I thought we could work everything out until one day he pushed me so hard I flew across the room and hit the fridge. He used to hit me sometimes, but he hasn't in a year...He tells me I made him that way. When I try to reason with him and tell him he needs to get a job, he yells and tells me that I'm younger and that I'm the one who should get a job and the baby should go to preschool. He says I want to drive him insane, he says I'm lazy and that all I do is take care of our child. I think he is insane, probably was before I even knew him, now that I think about it. He has no-one but us, his parents are dead, and no siblings. I don't know what to do. I know my parents love me, despite that I didn't feel like it when I wrote the secret...but I constantly live between two fires - he badmouths my parents and then I have to defend them, my parents badmouth him (well, righteously, most of the time), so I need to defend him. He has been offered jobs several times, but doesn't want to take them. My mom and dad have okay salaries, but they can't keep on supporting us forever. I don't want to them to either. All I wish is to have a normal life...a husband with a job, and a job for myself once the little one is a tiny bit older, a husband who will care for me even just a tiny bit, just enough not to make me feel worthless all the time, he doesn't even have to love me (he says he does, but his actions don't reflect it). I try to do things right, I swear to God I do...I try to be nice and good and helpful and useful, but ALL I DO IS WRONG. I just feel like I live in a dark hole from which there is no escape. I have no friends to talk to, except the online ones, but I don't want to lose them by bugging them with my problems. I also do not wish people feeling sorry for me. I need help. I know I do. I also know that I would feel a lot better if my husband would go away from my life. I don't know if I can do it, if I can get out of it. Sometimes I think if I hurt myself, maybe my husband and my parents will notice, maybe they will see I am not okay and they will see I need their help...but then I remember my son needs me. Sometimes I have nightmares of social workers taking him away...I know that won't happen, because me and my parents take great care of him and he doesn't miss anything, he is happy and healthy (thank god). Some things do make me happy, like walks with my son, all the cute and funny things he does, every new thing he learns...But most of the time I feel like there's a dark cloud above me, I look at my life and I see no future for this marriage I'm in, I don't see love in my life ever again, I see that if I kick my husband out my son will grow without a father and I wonder if I would be a selfish bitch if I do that.

I don't know. It's a long story and this is a long comment, and I'm sorry. I guess I had to write it somewhere. Thank you...

I have no inspiring speeches in me right now, so I'll just say this:

You're welcome, and I hope I helped.

Oh, and:

Your son doesn't deserve an abusive father. You're the furthest thing from being a 'selfish bitch' if you make sure your son can grow up in a safe environment. He'll have you, and he'll have his grandparents, and he'll have love. That's what matters.

Yes, you and all of the others helped me a great deal, more than you can imagine. When I made that secret, I didn't expect such reactions, I didn't expect someone would actually care. It made me cry. But it also gave me hope, and made me think that maybe I'm not such a terrible person after all. I don't have real friends, only "people I kinda know", and all of the years abuse in school made me shy and very anxious around people so making friends is very difficult for me.

When I feel like crap, I will read these comments again, to remind me that maybe I'm not a failure...You guys don't even know me, but your e-hugs and your kindness made me feel like I'm not totally worthless. I wish I could have friends like you in real life, everything would be easier.

Thank you <3

I am so, so glad we've been able to help you.

You're trying to help yourself. You're trying to help your son. I think that proves you're not a failure, and no one is ever worthless. <3

Good luck!

OP, you deserve the support. You deserve to be loved and happy.

I don't know your online friends, but I can bet that, at worst, their reactions would be that they wouldn't know what to say to help. Some people are really at a loss of how to react when hearing things like that, but it's never out of evil or out of wanting to belittle you or dismissing you. Who knows, the most emotionally mature of them would likely be good pillars of support. It really depends on the specific person, and how their life is going on, too.

You worry about your son being fatherless:

Growing up without a father is tough, but growing up with an abusive father is hell.

You could tell your parents that you've had enough and that you want your husband out of the house. The house belongs to them, so they arrange whatever legalities are needed, and you can handle the cathartic kicking out. :3

As someone who grew up with a mom that tolerated an abusive husband because she thought it was important to keep the family together, I can honestly tell you I would have rather grown up without a father. And not to be cruel, but as I grew up I lost a lot of respect for my mom for putting up that. I know it's not fair, but there it is.

You are not a " selfish bitch" that's just your husband and your (depression? anxiety?) negative mind talking. A lot of the time abused people make excuses for why they're putting up with the abuse, and a lot of them are just self abuse (I'm not worthy. I'm a selfish bitch. I deserve this. etc). Stop the cycle of abuse - you have the power to do that.

Another note on your boy growing up without a dad - do you want him growing up with that as a role model for how men/husbands/fathers should act? Do you want him to grow up to be abusive? Not saying it'll happen, but it's a very real consequence sometimes.

Here's the thing, OP. I believe you want to change and I believe you're just floundering for how to do that. What you have to do is consciously recognize the self abuse and negative talk and teach it a lesson. Whenever that little voice in your head starts talking all that smack about you, you straighten your shoulders, hold your head up high, and tell it to go to hell because you are in control and you are worth it. Just stop those thoughts in their tracks, and push on through.

If you don't feel you can go to your parents for help, seek out a womens shelter. They not only shelter abused women, but they have resources to help get the man out of your life. They are amazing and supportive and will be there for you every step of the way.

Also, why do you feel you have to defend your husband to your parents? Stop that. Try being honest with your parents and say "yeah, yeah you're right he is an ass. can you help me?"

Good luck, OP. You totally deserve to be happy.

she thought it was important to keep the family together, </i A:TLA has one of my favorite moments actually surrounding that: Zuko: *rambling on about rescuing Azula because she needs help and she's family* Iroh: Zuko, your sister is crazy and needs to be put down. Family is important, but even then- some people shouldn't be tolerated just because they're a relative.

Anon, you just stole the words right from my keyboard, and far, far better than I could ever manage.

OP, if you do nothing else, follow this advice.

And if it helps, save this thread somewhere. Save it in more than one place, so that you always have it.

I understand how you feel. I feel the same way a lot of the time. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, either, and it gets hard. But knowing someone else is there, in the same boat with you… That in and of itself really helps. It's a good first step. I want to hug you. I want to give you the biggest hug there is. And I want to make my boyfriend who sort of looks like 11 hug you.

You aren't alone.

We love you.

I wish I knew how evil he was before we got married.

Sometimes it's impossible, and it is never your fault. There are just some people out there who will hide what they're really like until a certain point in the relationship.

My mom, for example, had an absolute horrifying relationship before she met dad. The guy she'd been dating seemed quiet and shy at first- before just proved himself to be an absolute monster who tried to control ever bit of my mom's life.

But ultimately, my point is: it is possible to break out of that kind of relationship. You can get out of this abusive relationship.

Edited 2012-06-09 17:30 (UTC)

I'm not sure if this apocryphal or not, but I heard that, in an interview with Michael Phelp's mother, she was asked whether she thought that if he would have won more gold medals had his father been around (she raise him by herself), to which she replied, "If his father had been around, I don't think he'd have won any."

There is NOTHING selfish about doing the best for you and your son. The relationship you're describing sounds a lot like the one that I got out of recently and I can tell you, the first days I missed them, but afterwards it felt like a metric ton had been lifted off of me. I didn't even remember what it was like to be happy anymore.

Please don't hesitate, if you need it: thetasigma88 on dreamwidth.

Just a short comment from someone who grew up with a mother that was... not the greatest example and a father I suspect stuck with her primarily because he wanted me to have a female role model in my life.

Kids can hate people.

Trust me on this, kids can absolutely hate people. I wanted my mother dead a lot. I didn't, at first, but I saw how she treated my father and how she was at me - she used to routinely threaten suicide to the point that after a while I actually stopped feeling guilty that I was causing her to want to die and started actively wanting her to die so she'd stop talking. I'd then feel bad for hours on end because my dad would tell me things like - I shouldn't say that sort of thing, I didn't really mean it, I should love my mother because she gave birth to me and brought me up and he'd tell me why I should value having her in my life.

Why am I saying this? I'm saying this because you said that you're afraid you'll be a selfish bitch if you kick your abusive spouse out and have your son grow up without a father figure.

Let me tell you right now, the way you describe your husband, he is not being a father to your child. This may be hard for you to hear, but the man you are currently married to is NOT your child's father. Your child does not have a father. What he has is a man in his house who is abusing his mother in front of him, who is putting her down and hurting her, and if I know how abusive parents work, probably hurting him too. This is not what a father does. Are you worried about how your son feels? Talk to your son. Tell him your concerns. Don't tell him HOW he should feel about things, ASK him how he feels and why he feels that way. Find some place and time where your son will be comfortable, and then talk to him there.

As someone who came from a pretty shitty family situation (very ideal family on the outside, very... NOT ideal from the inside), please believe me when I say that it will do more damage and hurt your son - and yourself - far more to have him see his mother getting abused by someone else he's told should be a parental figure to him. This is NOT something you want children growing up with, or around. You are not being selfish by removing something that is hurting your son and hurting you from the both of your lives. Please do not think that, please do not ever think that. You can get out of this, OP, and you SHOULD.

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[ SECRET POST #1984 ]

THANK YOU

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