Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-06-22 06:42 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-06-22 06:42 pm
[ SECRET POST #1998 ]
⌈ Secret Post #1998 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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[Peter Gabriel]
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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]
10. [SPOILERS for the Hunger Games]
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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]
11. [WARNING for abuse]
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12. [WARNING for rape]
[Hetalia]
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13. [WARNING for abuse]
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14. [WARNING for gore, animal abuse]
http://i.imgur.com/SjfD3.jpg
[images of actual dead animals and stuff.]
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15. [WARNING for rape]
[Video Games Awesome Live]
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16. [WARNING for abuse]
[Avatar: the Last Airbender]
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17. [WARNING for rape]
[American Horror Story]
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18. [WARNING for dub-con, grooming, brainwashing]
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19. [WARNING FOR general discussion of triggery topics (there's bound to be triggering material in the comments)]
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #285.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 (warning for rape) - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
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(Anonymous) 2012-06-23 09:23 am (UTC)(link)Yeah, I really can't believe my mom said that, but she did. She just really didn't know what to do with me, I guess. No one really did.
Basically, rapid/ultradian cycling went like this (also this started last January, so I lied by accident when I said it was two years ago; it really was more like a year and a half):
When I was cycling really really bad, which started mid/late last January (when I was still in high school) and went on for about three months, I would usually start the day and the mood I would have in the morning from about 7 AM to 10 PM would be very intense. Some mornings (good ones) would start off hypomanic and others would start off as depressed, but around nine o clock it wouldn't really matter anymore because I would blend into a 'fantastic' state of mixed mood where I sort of felt like I was literally on fire in the middle of class while simultaneously not being able to stay awake.
Also bad anxiety. A lot of bad anxiety and panic attacks in the bathroom between classes.
I would taper off around ten and be sort of almost baseline (think of it as my main mood for the day/week whether hypomanic/depressed) and usually I would ride that out until I got home where numbness would peak around 5 o clock. I would be ok again for about three hours, and then at eight the world would start to spin away from me and I would depersonalize and early on I would just fall asleep and wake at one am to do homework, but I stopped being allowed to do that so later on I would just sit and suffer through it.
I used to bite my hands quite a bit (mild self injury) and spells of that would usually happen at nine, five, and eight.
Nine o clock stopped being as bad when I went on Buspirone in late February and my cycles started slowing down when I went on Lamotrigine in March of last year. It took about six months to stabilize to the point at which I now recognize that I haven't been a serious threat to the safety of myself or others in about a year (last time was last June: I drove my car with my eyes closed for about thirty seconds). I should buy myself cake to celebrate :D
In all honesty. . .I don't know how on EARTH I stayed out of the hospital and I wouldn't wish it on anyone at ALL. It literally felt like I was in hell, burning in all at some points, and cycling so quickly, even when it slowed down a bit, was fucking exhausting and unpredictable. I'm very lucky that I got help when I did, and I'm even luckier that my meds work because a lot of the time a med regimen doesn't even work for people like me. I am immensely grateful to be alive :D
tl;dr anon couldn't figure out how to explain ultradian cycling without telling her whole life story.
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(Anonymous) 2012-06-23 09:30 am (UTC)(link)Well, I mean, the whole experience wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people's experiences, just a bit different in general. I'm glad I never lost complete touch with reality at least.
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That's okay! No offense, but I actually find your story/explanation to be incredibly fascinating. I'm really curious about manic depression in general because it seems like such an extreme disorder, I really could not imagine having it. I love hearing first-hand accounts from people who have it because I want to understand it as much as possible. (Incidentally, pardon my many, many questions in advance.) Out of curiosity, did that sort of thing happen EVERY DAY, or was it only certain days, or was it only during an episode (like, that every day, but only for a limited number of days/weeks)? Was it always the exact same timeline every day? When you say "on fire", are you talking about like.. actual, physical sensations, or mentally? How the hell did you deal with that AND going to school? When you had the depression, was it "just" physical things (like being tired), or was it psychological, too (like being suicidal)? When you were manic, was it just feeling like you were on fire, or was it like, euphoria and other things like that?
Anyway, sorry for asking so many questions.. as I said, I'm really, really morbidly curious about bipolar disorder, I hope I'm not offending you. I've experienced depressive episodes including depersonalization, self-injury, uncontrollable suicidal thoughts, anxiety and wanting to crawl out of my skin, but I've never had a manic episode (at least, I don't THINK they were manic episodes, though I have no other explanation for them), and I've never experienced the kind of extremity of mood that people with manic depression get.
Also, are you creative? Do you do art or anything?
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(Anonymous) 2012-06-23 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)Also, you honestly sound like you experience 'soft' signs of bipolar. Read this article. It has helped me IMMENSELY, probably more than my own psychiatrist ever did. (Not to diagnose you or anything or suggest a change in treatment, but it might add some clarity. Or not. Idk. It's interesting at least.)
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/02_diagnosis.html#soft
Um, your questions in order I suppose.
1. It happened most days in that severity for about two or three months. Some days were definitely worse than others. Once I went on medication the mood episodes spread out a bit though and it was a bit more bearable while they were still there.
2. Yeah, it was about the same timeline every day. Details did differ. . .I would sort of call it like I would have a main mood episode (hypomanic, mixed, or depressed) and then the ultradian cycling would be fluctuations in that. Sort of. Also, some symptoms were mixed with the severity of anxiety I had that day. One way my hypomania manifested was in anxiety, so that was part of the cycling too.
3. I guess I would call it 'crawling out of my skin' like you described below. When you're in the midst of a mood episode, physical and mental states sort of blend together, yeah? So it felt like I was literally on fire, but also, um, not I guess. Also, the numbness and exhaustion made it feel like it was completely inescapeable and I was in a class with a teacher with a grating noise so it was. . .not pleasant.
4. I don't know how the hell I did it. I really, really, really, really don't. Honestly, I'm a student true at heart and the only reason I went on medication was because I was becoming shitty at school. Misplaced priorities, I know.
5. Depression was both. I was suicidal a lot and tired and numb a lot.
6. Yeah I had euphoria. Before I started ultradian cycling in January I am fairly certain I had already had two euphoric episodes that year. I also had intermittent euphoria. I also had bad rage and irritability. The euphoria was great though, but also terrifying after. I'm not entirely certain there weren't periods when I was completely manic (I had many of the signs), but I cycled so quickly that it wouldn't have mattered. Euphoria is scary because everything sounds like a great idea.
7. One of the indicators actually that I'm becoming manic is that I get a strong urge to write. I wrote a lot when I was sick, but I recently destroyed all of it. I've always liked music and I've sung since I was young but I've never written any. I was in plays for seven years and I liked that. I roleplay online and that's fun. Mostly I'm a scientist by trade though and I wouldn't have it any other way :D
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(Anonymous) 2012-06-23 04:33 pm (UTC)(link)http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/02_diagnosis.html#Main
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I think the number one thing that I don't understand about bipolar disorder is that, like.. in between episodes of extreme emotion, are you "normal"? Like, are you functionally (and I guess psychologically) normal, with a regular mood? Or is your "normal" still a lower mood? Also, when you're bipolar, is it always like, suicidal depression and then euphoric mania, or is it possible to have less extreme moods when having an episode? If you know what I mean.. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at explaining myself.
Anyway, thank you for answering all my questions. I'm really curious about other mental illnesses, especially bipolar disorder, and I'm REALLY glad that I finally get to pose all of my questions to somebody with it. C:
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(Anonymous) 2012-06-26 09:07 am (UTC)(link)The answer to your first question is actually pretty complicated and varies person to person and day to day. For example, medicated I am baseline about 95 percent of the time. Occasionally I have bad (manic/depressed/mixed) days or hours or sometimes I'll have a mild episode for like a week, but on the whole I think that my brain feels things about at the level of an 'average' person. Even when I do have 'episodes' they are MUCH less severe than they used to be. As I have also mentioned before, I am quite high functioning (because I am very, very fortunate). I do well in college and I have friends and I date and I work and I get along with my family well. So on the whole, I am currently mostly very 'normal' by psychiatric standards.
However,from the beginning of last January and up until about the four to six month mark on taking lamotrigine I could hardly breathe for all the mood episodes I had. There were some normal days and hours etc. but they were vastly outnumbered by all of the abnormal ones.
Lots of other bipolar people have times where they are completely episode free. In fact, this often keeps them from getting help as soon as they should because there is plenty of time where they DO feel normal and thus they view getting help as 'unnecessary' or 'weak'. Also, this feeling that normal is just around the corner prompts a lot of manic depressives to abandon medication because they know there were times when they didn't need it. Even I get urges like that even though there was such little baseline time when I was unmedicated.
Everyone's normal mood is different. Everyone has a different baseline. My baseline is generally very happy! I am very enthusiastic about life and I don't stay angry or sad for very long and I like to joke around a lot. Other people are very different and have more subdued or pessimistic baselines.
There is absolutely an incredible variety of the intensity of mood episodes.
Mania: I have been 'manic' (briefly) to the point where my brain has so many unrelated words flying around in it that I cannot speak. I have also been euphoric to the point that everything in my brain was absolutely HILARIOUS and I was laughing my ass off at my own thoughts in the shower. I have been euphoric to the point that touching everything felt like sex (or at least it felt like having a nice wank because I have never had sex). I have also had much milder, longer 'manias' (I'm just calling them that for shorthand because I don't think I've ever been fully manic) where I was simply very sexual, very driven, very outspoken, and I generally just thought everything was wonderful and dandy.
Mixed: I have been in a mixed mood to the point where I literally felt like I was on fire. I have had extremely violent thoughts of self harm and suicide(the description of which could DEFINITELY be labelled as incredibly triggering). I have been agitated to the point of hitting myself and holding in screams (because I try to hide things as best I can and I really don't like hurting other people if I can help it). I have had rage. On the other hand, when it's mild it's irritating and it makes me irritable and I have violent thoughts, but I usually can get rid of them by. . .biting my hands or digging my nails into my skin; I'm not very good at dealing with this bit, actually, even when it's mild.
Depression: I have been extremely suicidal and unable to get out of bed. I also have been mildly depressed with just a general feeling that something is wrong. The only reason I'm not dead I think is because I've suffered from pure O OCD and anxiety for quite a long time and the extreme suicidalness and wish to die was coupled with an intense fear of, um, actually committing suicide sometimes? I don't know. My brain is very weird and I'm just grateful to be alive so I'll take what I can get.
Other people have more or less intense experiences than mine. Some people hallucinate or have delusions when they're manic or depressed. I personally have never suffered from a complete break from reality so I can't say what that feels like. Sorry!
Thanks for the interest! It's nice to have an educated person floating around the internet.
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But no, seriously, thank you so much. It sounds weird as hell, but I've been really eager to talk to someone with bipolar disorder for a long time, and you've answered a lot of the long-standing questions I had about it. I'm sure I'll think of a couple more questions within the next few days that I forgot to ask..
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(Anonymous) 2012-06-26 05:42 pm (UTC)(link)