fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2021 ]

[ SECRET POST #2021 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2021 ⌋

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I need serious and quick advice here:

A childhood friend of mine (who was really more my older sister’s friend) is bipolar and going through a manic phase. I haven’t spoken to her in years and even set my features on facebook so that I wouldn’t see her updates, because they were coming every second and getting basically nonsensical.

Yesterday completely out of the blue she called me telling me she was going to design a dollhouse for me (collecting dolls is a hobby I’ve mentioned on facebook) because she was studying architecture. I told her I didn’t need one and basically tried to find any reason to get off the phone. Now today she’s called three times already (twice collect, trying to put her message in the space where you say who’s calling) trying to get me to talk to her about the dollhouse she’s supposedly making. Jut now my dad answered the phone and told her I was out, but I don’t think that will deter her for long. She just told my dad that she’s in a mental hospital for a day (she’s spent the last ten years in and out of rehab and mental hospitals; and the problem is she always leaves before she can get any real help).

She’s not usually violent, though she has been once or twice when her she was doing hard drugs on top of her mental illness. She’s incredibly hard to deal with while manic because she does not listen to anything you say. I can keep dodging her calls but I really really don’t want her coming to my house. My whole family is sick right now and this is not something I can handle on top of it. I know I’m supposed to react with compassion, but I barely know this girl anymore and this is the worst possible time for her to start up with this. Can you think of anything I can do to keep her from bothering me and my family?

Try to explain to her that this isn't a good time and that you don't want/need a dollhouse like you would with a person who doesn't have a mental illness. If she actually does start harassing you more, get help from someone who *can* stop her. It is not your job to protect her, sort out her problems or make her problems yours. Your responsibility lies with your family.

This may not be any help, but if she has bipolar disorder she shouldn't be in a mental hospital. The most effective treatment for bipolar disorder is taking the proper medication.

She doesn't have anyone else that can look after her?

Well, this seems like she might just be reaching out to a former friend, but in any case, bipolar or not, a person needs to take a hint and understand if someone just doesn't want the contact. And if they don't, well, sorry, social rules count for them as for anyone else. Harassing someone is not ok.

She stops taking her medication all the time.

She's basically burned out her own family, and they don't want to deal with her anymore. We did call her mom and tell her what was happening, but there's not much the Mom can/is willing to do.

Okay. Does she know where you live? Make it clear to her that you have other important things that you need to deal with at the moment and cut her out of your life.
If she ignores this and continually bothers you, this could be considered harassment/stalking; so, don't hesitate to take it to the police.

Forgive me in advance if I'm misunderstanding you, but I'm studying psychiatry/psychology, and tbh I've never understood why so many people say this. Do you mean that people with bipolar disorder shouldn't be in the hospital long-term, or that they shouldn't be in the hospital at all? Yes, you're right, the proper way to manage bipolar disorder is to find the right stabilizing medication, but isn't that kind of... idealist, for lack of a better word? Now, obviously I've not met every bipolar person on the planet, so this is a generalization, but every person with bipolar disorder I have ever met (and I know/have met quite a few) has not 100% consistently stayed on their medication. I'm sure you know this, since I get the impression you know about the disorder, but it's very common for sufferers to get on medication, become stable, figure "oh, I feel so much better - I don't need this medication anymore," and then get off of it. While they're on their meds, everything tends to be fine, but if they get off of it (and sometimes even when they're still on it) they can get very depressed, suicidal, etc. and some people can even get paranoid/violent depending on their particular temperament and symptomology. In which case, yes, they need to be closely monitored. And sometimes it is just too much to ask of the family/spouse to watch them 24/7.

So basically, tl;dr: If you're saying that it is unproductive to have someone with bipolar disorder hospitalized long-term, then I could not agree more with you. But I have to respectfully disagree if you don't think a (usually) brief hospitalization is necessary so long as the person is an immediate danger to him/herself or other people. In my experience, a lot of people are way too down with the whole "let the family take care of it" idea. When someone is suicidal or violent, or threatening to do one of those things, it is simply wisest for that person to be in a safe environment and monitored by professionals who know what they are doing for so long as that person remains an immediate danger. General rule that time period is about 72 hours, unless the person is REALLY having a crisis, in which case it may be extended to 9 days or, rarely, longer.

Does your friend have family she lives with? If so, you might want to contact them and tell them that you're being harassed and that your friend needs to be supervised. If she's living by herself or with friends, there's nothing you can do to physically stop her from coming to your house, but you should keep ignoring the calls. If you're forced to talk to her, be incredibly blunt and say something like, "I really will not talk about this. Please let me rest. Stop calling me." If she shows up at your house, be ready to call the cops.

When someone is really ill, there is not a whole lot you can do to help them. Just put your own safety and well-being first.

Stop taking her calls at all, and don't feel guilty for it. You have your own family to look after, and she needs specialist help to sort out her own problems. I would take her off your Facebook too, probably block her. If you let her get a foot in the door chances are she'll never leave you alone. Even if she gets better, expect her to turn up again when she has another manic phase.

If she turns up at your house then you may well have to call the cops if she won't leave. I'm sorry this is happening to you, best of luck dealing, and hope your family recovers soon.

I agree with this. She's not your responsibility and if she might really cause problems for you... Well. It's better not to.

Block her on Facebook and stop answering her calls. Block her number if you can. If she asks why, tell her you don't want to be friends with her while she's off her medication because you don't like the person she is without them. If it gets any worse, call the police.

She can't control being bipolar, but she can control whether she takes her medication and gets genuine help. She's not doing either and that's enough reason to keep her out of your life.

How about tell her up front instead of being a jerk and turning your back on her when she may have no idea what she's doing wrong?

Is this seriously how people think to treat old friends? Like crap unless they call you out on it? Or is that something they specifically save for us Bipolar people?

Yeah this thread is really bumming me out

Not bipolar myself, but agreeing with you that telling her why instead of just cutting her out is more compassionate.

Make it clear to her that your family is under way too much stress for you to be dealing with any kind of pet project and you don't have any energy to put into maintaining acquaintanceships, and that you will have to block her if she continues to bother you. Then follow through.

If you feel it's appropriate, maybe you could gently remind her that she's hard to deal with when she's off her medication. Don't take my word for that, though; I'm not sure how helpful that would be for her or for your situation.

You get very, very exhausting to deal with.

So yeah, after the nth try, when the same things keep happening? Sometimes that's what WE need to do for US. It'd be different if you were trying. But when your off the goddamn meds you know goddamn well you need... cutting you off may be what it takes.

It sucks, but it's not because we don't like you, it's because we need it.

Edited 2012-07-16 01:50 (UTC)

Thank you. This.

This so much. I'm not saying people do it intentionally, but they do tend to need their friends to function according to their current mood so they'll push and pull and want you around or don't want you around, they want to talk to you every day or they suddenly just drop you and come back when its convenient for them, they need you, they don't need you... And you're supposed to just be fine with that because they're mentally ill. So there just comes the time when you need to be a bit selfish for yourself and that point should be before it starts to fuck up your own life, not after.

Uh, bipolar people can have manic episodes even when they take their meds.

Medication isn't fucking magic you know

I agree that the person that anon is talking about sounds like they aren't trying hard enough, but fuck, I'll admit, I've stopped taking my meds before because of the side effects (YOU try taking lithium and see how you fucking like it).

And even when I'm on them stuff like hormonal changes or alcohol and shit that barely affects a healthy person's moods REALLY fucks with mine.

So yeah, have some god damn empathy

Uh, if alcohol affects you negatively with your meds, don't drink? That is something you can control.

sorry for jumping out of nowhere

but

if you need lithium

eat dates

they have shitload of it for such a little fruit

and because you're getting it through food your body absorbs it easier

I think apples, tomatoes, cherries, strawberries and onions have some of it, but way less than dates

I hope you are not advocating someone stop taking prescribed medication in favor of eating fruit.

no, sorry it came across that way

it was a suggestion to follow if they could not or would not take the medication at all because of the side effects

if they can find meds that don't cause the side effects that made them decide to quit it, that's even better

but finding the right medication takes time, and in the mean time they could try to see if getting it through regular food might help

the frame of mind i followed was "it's better than nothing", with the added incentive of not having the nasty side effects to convince them to try it (assuming they're not allergic or something)

Sorry if you think having empathy and having limits to how much a single person can take until their own self-defense mechanism kicks in are mutually exclusive.

It's what sympathy can turn into if you've had someone leeching off you emotionally in a one-sided friendship for ages.

Hello OP!

Yikes, this is a rough situation. As a bipolar person myself I would like to say of the posters below who say 'try to reason with her' is that that's bad advice. If you've told her that you don't want the dollhouse and she keeps calling you anyway and her facebook statuses make no sense and she's in a mental hospital than this is a person who might not have the capacity to be reasoned with anymore. If you don't want her coming over, answer her next call and say you don't want her there, but I wouldn't expect it of her to listen to you at all. If she shows up and she doesn't seem lucid or she can't be reasoned with, call an ambulance, if she gets violent, don't hesitate to call the police. Take care of yourself first. When she comes down (if she is a decent person) she will be grateful that you took care of her and got her help and (if she was getting violent) she will be grateful that you didn't allow her to hurt anyone. She needs to be on medication, and you need to take care of your family first.

I sound very harsh, but really, reasoning with mania is the absolute worst idea in the world, and mania can really be very dangerous and destructive to the sufferer and to the people surrounding the bipolar person. Good luck, OP.

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[ SECRET POST #2021 ]

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