fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2023 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2023 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 066 secrets from Secret Submission Post #289.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have to say, all this recent push for complete "openness" these days doesn't sit entirely well with me. People ought to be able to have their thoughts they don't wish to discuss - if they're not directly hurting others with it or pushing legislators to make laws enforcing them. It sounds like she's aware of your beliefs and rather than hurt your feelings or lose your friendship, she'd rather avoid the issue.

People have their thoughts and opinions and secrets. And while I don't like the ones you think she holds, either, I'm not sure you have the right to force her hand on this. I have friends that I've had for a long time (we're talking 15 years or more), that there are just certain things we don't agree on and we don't discuss them ... because we want to remain friends.

You have to accept people have flaws that don't make them bad people, and that they don't have to agree with you. If that's not what you're trying to do, then I've misread this; but it just sort of sounds that way.

Communication is key, though. If she doesn't want to discuss certain topics then she should really say so. Silence is a terrible tactic, because it can be misconstrued in a lot more ways than words can be. I don't think the OP is wrong to want her friend not to just ignore certain topics.

Many desires that are not wrong are nonetheless misplaced. As adults, we all have to learn to read clues that certain things will not be addressed and are not OK to keep after, hounding. OP is dealing with a friend, not a congressional panel that must address inequalities; if OP doesn't like this, they can drop the woman as a friend. That's her right - but forcing the conversations OP wants to have is not.

...But the op doesn't want to drag out a conversation. Just a simple "no, I don't want to talk about this" or something like that, instead of silence.

Yes, as adults we read many cues, but silence, as ayrt said, can be interpreted in so many different ways and lead to so many different interpretations that the easiest way to avoid a misunderstanding or hurt feelings is to be frank.

Frankly, silence hurts much more than a negative.

As I told someone below (and yes, I was the anon above - I wasn't signed in on that device, sorry), I thought OP was asking what THEY could do in this situation. When OP learns mind control and how to make the friend bring up/not bring up things on command, they'll be able to dictate what they want her to think anyway, and all of this will be moot. :-)

If the friend doesn't want to talk about certain issues, great; then she should ask to change the topic and to avoid the subject. Completely blowing off/ignoring someone you otherwise consider a friend is not a respectful or constructive way to keep your opinions private.

Unless the OP has learned mind control to make the friend say what she wants when she wants her to bring it up, either way, I was under the impression the question was "what can I as the OP do in this situation?" and answered accordingly.

Maybe this isn't how you intended it, but it sounded more like you were telling the OP that she was unreasonable for expecting her friend to talk to her honestly -- either about the topic itself, or about the fact that the friend didn't want to discuss it. The problem isn't "pushing for openness"; it's the friend thinking it's okay to completely blow off the OP when she doesn't like where the conversation turns.

What can the OP do in the situation? I think ze can tell the friend, "Look, if you don't want to discuss certain topics, just tell me and I'll respect that, but it hurts when you just completely ignore me when you don't like the subject of the conversation." No mind control necessary.

Well, it's certainly better than passive-aggressively hinting at the woman she wants to pin her down on an opinion, I will say that.

You're definitely reading more into the OP's post than I did. I didn't see any passive-aggressive hinting or trying to pin down an opinion from the friend. I just saw someone distressed that any time the conversations with her friend organically take a turn toward something the friend (presumably) doesn't like/disagrees with/is uncomfortable talking about, she ignores OP, disappears for days, and pretends the entire exchange didn't happen. That's kind of crappy, and if I were the OP, I'd be distressed by being treated that way by someone I considered a friend as well.

[ SECRET POST #2023 ]

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