fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2037 ]

[ SECRET POST #2037 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2037 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 067 secrets from Secret Submission Post #291.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - personal attack ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So basically no matter what I say in a suicide note my parents are going to feel like shit, right? I've been reworking the note over and over again and trying to stress that it's not their fault and that I love them etc etc but I'm wondering if there's anything else I can add. How do you fully explain that it's a totally selfish decision that is all on me and that I hope that they understand in some small way?

Note: I'm not planning on killing myself atm I just think about it and plan it a lot and for now writing and re-writing the goodbye notes is a weird kind of therapy.

I wrote a suicide note once, when I was going through lithium withdrawal right before weaning myself onto a different med (lamictal). My husband found it and got really angry with me, so I never did it again

Is there anyone at all you can talk to? Even if you can't afford/don't have access to a therapist there are suicide hotlines and even surrounding yourself with other people is helpful. I mean I believe you when you say you won't kill yourself because I've been in exactly the same place, what you have is called suicidal ideation though and it can be dangerous so... just, take care of yourself

I don't like to talk about it because nobody will change my mind and all that will happen is people I care about will worry unnecessarily. I think if I talk to them and still kill myself then they'll have all this extra guilt, and I'm going to be upsetting everyone enough as it is if I ever do go through with it.

I have tried a hotline once or twice. Was a waste of time for me. Atm I don't have a phone or car so can't really get anywhere or call anyone anyway.

Thanks for the reply though. And honestly I really do not have concrete plans at the moment. If I ever get a job and money or health insurance I do plan to try and start therapy or medication. I just don't have any of that right now so I make my own little therapies of planning and writing notes. It's weird but it seems to work for now.

If you're suicidal, the emergency room will take you in.

Are you in US? I do not live in the US, but I do recall talking to one person online who was from the states who did not have health insurance previously, but mentioned that there was a safety net for those who are suicidal - she was given forms to fill out in the emergency room, specifically for such a case, so she could get coverage for the meds and treatment she needed.

Please, please go to your emergency room. I know how it is to believe that no one will change your mind - I know that feeling so well. But consider it like this - if you care enough about your parents that you want to minimize their pain, then the best way to do that is to try and see if medication or other professional help will help you.

The only way to get to the ER would be to call an ambulance, which would cost a shit ton of money and would also alert the entire town (small town, volunteer emergency responders). No car, no public transportation where I am and the nearest ER is about an hours drive away.

I really appreciate all the replies and understand where you're all coming from but I honestly wasn't looking for people to persuade me not to commit suicide. I suppose it was kind of a stupid thing to post and think that people would answer logically or straight when it's not a very straight issue and full of turmoil and emotions. I was just in a mood I guess.

Sorry everyone.

Re: OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-08-01 05:23 (UTC) - Expand

Still, try keeping people close to you. That's what I did and it helps. I'm lucky to have a SO who cares about me but if you're worried about what your parents would think, maybe you can stay with one of them? IDK, whenever I would feel really dark I'd have someone, a friend, my sister, my husband, someone stay with me so I could talk to them and a) keep my mind off how I was feeling, b) make sure someone would be there to watch me in case I tried to harm myself, so they could stop me.

And yeah, there's always the emergency room. Even if you do get billed for it they'll let you pay in installments and there's no interest, and it sure beats being dead. Though it's not pleasant (I ended up in the ER not that long ago)

As someone who had a family member commit suicide (My brother) I'll just tell you from personal experience...No note will ever make it okay, or make them understand. Please DO NOT throw your life away. I don't know how old you are, but my brother was twenty three. He had his whole life ahead of him, and he gave it up. I'm twenty four, now having reached an age he never gave himself the chance to see. I grew up feeling resentful and angry towards him. I still am, to some degree.

GET HELP. Please. Find someone to talk to, or look into therapy/help line. Anything.

Okay, so that's a big giant YES for nothing I say will help.

I'm sorry about your brother.

Nothing you can say will make them feel even slightly better. If you do it, remember that you will be ruining their lives forever. I'm not exaggerating.

I realize that, which is why I'm trying to figure out the best thing to say to help at least a little. At some point my own misery and pain might overcome my guilt of ruining people's lives and if that point comes I want to be prepared with the best possible small amount of comfort I can give them.

I understand where you're coming from as using this as a way to de-stress but the fact that you're considering your family's reactions and reached out (even anonymously to internet strangers) makes this seem like a cry for help. I hope you seriously consider confiding in someone IRL or at least call a hotline and talk to someone trained for this.

I really have no idea what could be said here that wouldn't have any chance of potentially hurting rather than helping.

Nothing you say can or will soften the blow. They will always ask themselves what they did wrong or what they could have done to help you. It's not something that they can go over it. They will go on with their lives, but the hole and pain won't go away, they'll just learn to ignore it for longer periods of time. They won't ever really forget or stop missing you.

I know it's your decision and I'm just a stranger on the internet, but please, please don't do it, not even as just plans on your head for an undefined point in time.

If you feel that writing them is making you feel better, idk, keep writing them, I guess, but repeating it over and over in your mind does risk an ideation effect like someone above said, and you might end up convincing yourself to go through with it.

Maybe try writing about how you feel, why you'd like to do it, and then use that a springboard to see if you can find why you feel like that?

If this is something not caused by something physical (lack of nutrients like lithium, something not working right physically in your brain, etc.), and it's more of a personal emotions thing, and you're already writing about, you can try to explore your own mind through those notes and see what you feel is wrong and what you can do to fix it.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I went through several years of being tempted to kill myself, and the thing that stopped me was that I, unthinkingly, asked my mom, hypothetically, what would she do if I killed myself. She answered, without hesitation, that she would kill herself to. That stopped me right cold, but the depression and feelings of helplessness didn't go away.

What finally worked for me, on the emotional not medical side, was that I got fed up of the effect all that anxiety and sadness was having on me (the headaches, the stomachaches, the chest pain, not digesting the little food I ate well, the room closing in on me during the worst of it, etc.), so I just tried very, very hard not to think about whatever was making me feel sad or bad at the moment, and try to get distracted by something else.

Eventually, I managed to through several hours without dark thought, with more practice, days, then weeks, and now months.

I still get some tempting thoughts, begging me to go down that spiral again, but I remember how awful I felt and shake them off before they take a hold of me, and while I feel that I didn't truly deal with my personal demons, I do feel happier, so I guess it worked.

On the medical side, it turned out that the worst of it was caused by a lack of lithium. This is why I sometimes pop into some comments and suggest to people feeling depressed to try dates (the fruit), because I coincidentally ate them and felt, well, not "cured", but better, and then found out how they were super rich and lithium, found that lithium is necessary for you not to go depressed (and the few food items that gave me an appetite were also rich in lithium, on hindsight).

I don't know what other nutrients are required to remain in balance inside you, but this is the one that comes immediately to mind. You might want to research more about the topic, if you'd like?

About lithium:

http://www.collectivewizdom.com/Lithium-LithiumRichFoods.html

Dates (try them if you're not allergic or something, if it's possible? It might help you rule out that at least):

https://www.google.com/search?q=dates+fruit&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=5qQYUOzXCeiHmQWH1oGwCw&biw=1024&bih=579&sei=6aQYULiuGInamAWhqYCADQ

In the spirit of full disclosure, I went through several years of being tempted to kill myself, and the thing that stopped me was that I, unthinkingly, asked my mom, hypothetically, what would she do if I killed myself. She answered, without hesitation, that she would kill herself to. That stopped me right cold, but the depression and feelings of helplessness didn't go away.

First-degree bereavement (that's spouse, parent or child) is THE event that's most likely to trigger stress and depression, and the traumatic effect of sudden or violent deaths compounds that. (So in that regard, your family would probably suffer more damage if they didn't know you were suicidal than if you do tell them). There's also a lot of evidence that depression is hereditary. So yeah, OP, it is fairly probable that if you kill yourself it will lead to someone in your immediate family feeling the exact same way you do now.

ayrt

...You know what, I had never thought about it, but there has been depression and alcoholism on both sides of my family and thinking of it I can think of other family members who weren't exactly very sane.

Huh.

Er, thank you! This is awkward to think about but I feel better now that I know that there is probably something genetic going on.

(One more reason not to have kids; first it was my grandma being a twin, thus increasing the chances I would have twins myself, now this? Nawww. And actually, there there are some autoimmune possibly genetic diseases on my dad's side of the family ah I'm not passing on these genes okay.)

asdkjhkhd er disregard the part between the parentheses overshared orz

Re: question dealing with topic of suicide

(Anonymous) - 2012-08-01 06:12 (UTC) - Expand

Re: question dealing with topic of suicide

(Anonymous) - 2012-08-01 06:13 (UTC) - Expand

Re: question dealing with topic of suicide

(Anonymous) - 2012-08-01 07:38 (UTC) - Expand

Re: question dealing with topic of suicide

thene - 2012-08-01 07:39 (UTC) - Expand

Re: question dealing with topic of suicide

(Anonymous) - 2012-08-01 20:03 (UTC) - Expand

Have you tried talking with these people?

https://www.imalive.org/

I will definitely second the "nothing you say in a note will help" sentiments.

This is kind of "cool story bro" of me but just hear me out. I understand where you're coming from because I was where you are earlier this year. I had some serious psychological problems and spent literally every waking minute terrified and in utter misery. I did everything: I took Xanax, saw a therapist, downed way too much Nyquil--anything that would make me feel better. I felt certain it would never get better because it came completely out of the blue and seemed to only get worse and worse. Every day I was ready to kill myself. But even though it was hard, I just went to sleep instead. Sleep is a nice escape from your problems--and the nice thing is that it's not a final decision. You can always wake up and try to live again.

Anyway, I thought it would never end, but I started taking Prozac and things are so much better now. I'm so glad I didn't kill myself, because I am having a wonderful summer now and I feel free from the panic that plagued me before. I'll be honest with you: I'm not sure things do always get better. Sometimes they probably don't. And if someone told me I would never get better a few months ago, I would not have thought twice about killing myself. But you know what? I honestly think that, usually, they do get better. And it's important to hold onto that hope. You owe it to yourself and to those who love you to do everything in your power to do your best to go on. Have you called a crisis hotline? Seen a therapist? Tried starting anti-depressants? Just try everything, and until things get better, just go to sleep whenever you feel like killing yourself. I know that's probably not very helpful--nothing helps much when you're in that dark a place--but I just want you to know that you can get through it.

+1 I used to go to sleep when I was suicidal too.

not op

when I was depressed I tried this, but I could never make myself sleep for too long

how do people do it?

(I'm better now, just curious)

My depressed periods were coupled with dissociation and severe exhaustion. It's just the way my body works, probably.

I'd take muscle relaxers, melatonin, or nyquil. My big problem was getting out of bed in the morning because all I wanted to do was laze around and stare at nothing, but I always had problems going to sleep.

I took everything: benadryl (surprisingly effective), Nyquil, Xanax, melatonin, sometimes some alcohol. Usually all at once. I'm also an insomniac so it was a pain enough just getting to sleep, but once I was asleep I usually stayed that way even through my roommate's snoring.

Yes. Your family members and everyone who ever even slightly knew you will feel like shit when they find out that you committed suicide. Even people who never met you but who had friends who knew you will feel somewhat guilty and sad that you killed yourself. Your family and friends will never forgive themselves for not noticing that you were suicidal, and they will grieve you for the rest of their lives.

If you are depressed to the point where you are even 'sometimes' suicidal (I had this where I would be severely suicidal at some points and then be ok at others) and you have any means of killing yourself/explicit plans to kill yourself, call a suicide hotline or TELL SOMEONE, ANYONE. There is help available if you ask for it, and I know this is cheesey, but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can come out of a depression, but you can't come back from suicide.

If you're depressed, I know it feels like it's impossible to get help, but there is someone somewhere out there that will help you. Talk to your parents, a hotline, or go to the hospital. If you are suicidal, a hospital will take you in and try to make you better. Sign up for therapy. Go to the normal doctor or a psychiatrist and ask for help. There are ways out that do not involve taking your own life. I am grateful every day now that I'm better that I kept living. Please do not commit suicide.

... I know this won't make any of them who might actually *find* the note feel better, but it might help you if the note is a sort of fond farewell thing, like that slideshow when you finish school. List all the things about the people you're worried about that you love. List why it would never be their fault, and what they've given you to make you care for them that much. Talk about that all-night LoTR marathon. Talk about that actual marathon. Hugs, scraped knees, fights and the stupid things done in apology when you were younger. Write about those. List the awesome things.

That's all I've got for you. Just, think about the good times, yeah?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2037 ]

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AYRT

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