fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2068 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2068 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[Tiger & Bunny]

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02.

[Queer as Folk USA]

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03.

[Devil May Cry]

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04.

[The Key of Awesome! Maroon 5 Payphone Parody: Game of Thrones]

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06.

[Lorraine Star]

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07. http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d194/throwme2thedogs/fablesecret.jpg
[linked for illustrated nudity/porn; Fable]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Kamen Rider Fourze]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

12. [WARNING for sexual assault]

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13. [titc #2]

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14. [WARNING for rape, violence]

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15. [WARNING for eating disorders]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #295.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 (warning for abuse) - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 (warning for child abuse) - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, my problem is this. My daughter is 15. She spent the night at a friends a couple days ago and her friend had the 50 shades books, and so they were reading them.

Now my daughter seems to think they're fine and dandy, and while i don't see *any* redeeming qualities in them at all, i'm not going to call her out on reading 'trashy, poorly written' fiction, or anything like that. I *do*, however, want to get my feelings across on the nature of the 'relationship' in that book, and how it's not exactly something to celebrate or emulate or condone.

But - i'm the mom. Can anybody here give me a concise, non-ranty explanation about that relationship that points out the flaws in a way that isn't condescending or devolves into 'this book sucks!!' kind of stuff? She's gonna read what she's gonna read, and i've never censored her reading, but i *do* want her to have an alternate perspective on this. Or - point me to a good post or blog about it that's not super-long, as she's not happy about being 'lectured' on the subject right now, and i just want something she can think about, not something that tries to make her feel stupid or bad.

(Deleted and reposted in the right spot, yeesh.)

(A+ subject line, btw :D)

I'm not sure how to give a concise, non-ranty explanation, but I'm fresh enough from my teenage years to remember that what was most effective on me and my younger sister was nonconfrontational statements that made me think that mature, intelligent people would laugh at me if they knew I held a certain opinion — saying stuff like "oh yes, well, I know that obviously that relationship is totally ridiculous and messed up, but I guess that's part of the fun, huh?"

So you're not talking down to her in a way that might make her feel like you're lecturing or being patronizing or telling her what to think, and not telling her that she should feel bad for liking the book, but making it clear (while pretending to be kind of oblivious and actually purposely making it appear that you're overestimating her intelligence and assuming she's extremely mature and smart) that smart, mature, reasonable people think it's blindingly obvious that the relationship is ridiculous and screwed-up, and that you assume she's a smart, mature, reasonable person too.

Avoid words like "dangerous" or "unhealthy" — most fifteen-year-olds won't respond to an idea their parents say is dangerous by taking their word at it — they'll either be annoyed and feel you're lecturing them or being hyperbolic, or they'll immediately think it's code of "cool" and set off to explore it. If she's perceptive, seeing you act like it's obvious that the relationship is a screwed-up one might make her think "huh what?" and either look at the book with fresh eyes or google around to figure out why it sucks. And since you're not telling her that the book sucks or telling her what to think, she'll be far less likely to resist or lash out or be offended or dismissive. Or she might even ask you about it (most teenage girls won't, but you never know.)

Thanks!

you should recommend her better porn

Reeeeeeeeeally not ready to go there. :)

Just explain that written materials are not good or evil - it's what you do based on what you read. If you just want to read something and enjoy it - even a guilty pleasure - that's OK. Just explain there's a difference between fiction and reality - just like because the Coyote can survive a fall off a cliff doesn't mean she can. After all, one presumes she's already read a LOT in her life she hasn't acted upon, or even wanted to, even if she enjoyed the reading.

If it makes you feel any better, I used to love Jackie Collins and pirate abduction "romance" novels when I was 13, and other erotica I could sneak, and they had no bearing at all on my love life as a teen or since. :-D

Oh, i've read stuff like that, too - well, a friend of mine would 'loan' me her books on the bus to read the 'good parts', which were, you know...soft core het porn.

But - i read the Gor books, too, and they're pretty ucky as far as 'this is how women are/relationships work', and while i never once thought they were 'real', when you're a teen, it *is* a little weird.

I mostly just want her to know that while experimenting with sexuality isn't bad, talking yourself into any kind of sex, including just making out, because you feel like you have to or they will 'leave you' or something is just....not on. And everything i've read about these books puts the main character in that 'abused partner' mind frame, which i really don't want her thinking is a good thing, or a normal thing.

Not having kids, I think what I might say is "this is a lifestyle choice BDSM people make when they're adults because that's when they know what they do and don't like. It takes a while to find out. Also, these subs may not be like this outside of sex, and Doms are usually well aware they're being granted permission to BE the Dom - and if the sub wants to leave, they cannot stop it. Also, a lot of Doms are women. Also, James is mixing up BDSM with plain old abuse, which is not the same thing. Please just tell your poor old mom you've had enough sex ed to not be doing anything right now."

Boy am I glad I don't have kids, LOL.

Hehee.
Me, too. One's plenty. It's terrifying, but good. Kind of how i imagine bungee jumping might be. Only i'd never do *that*.

I guess this really depends upon your relationship with your daughter.

I'm in my early twenties but still remember when my mother had a problem with media I consumed.

The best way she would get through to me would be to not talk down to me or make me feel guilty for liking it. Instead she had an honest sit-down conversation with me and would explain in a logical manner why she thought whatever I was consuming was problematic. Then she would let me state my opinions. We asked each other questions. The big thing was that we had an honest discussion, not a one-sided lecture.

I hope that helps.

Edited 2012-09-01 06:26 (UTC)

http://gegele40.tumblr.com/post/30025126915/50-shades-of-grey

Ah, lovely, exactly what i was looking for. Thanks! :)

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