fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2078 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2078 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't usually reply to these, because my own feelings on this issue are ...kind of complicated, but the comment above about blocking out feelings with attitude struck a chord with me.

I grew up in a house where my stepfather was emotionally abusive (mostly to me, not his "real children") and very occasionally physically abusive (definitely just to me, not his "real children") and I spent most of my childhood telling my mother (who knew exactly what he was like) that I was going to grow up and move far away, where he couldn't find me.

I will always remember the first time I saw him hit my mother. I was terrified. (Even today, all grown up and living in a different country I still am terrified of him) what upset me the most though, wasn't what he did, it was watching my mother react to it. She called the police, and he apologized, and I found her later, sitting in her bedroom, crying. (My mother is a nurse, she has worked with victims of domestic abuse for years).
The part which bothered me the most was when she said to me "you know what I'm afraid of? He did exactly what I've heard about so many times. When the police were here he was so sorry, then as soon as they were gone he told me it was my fault."

Years later I moved out, and got as far away from him as possible, but she couldn't accept that. She refused to speak to me, and when I wrote her a letter, detailing exactly how he'd treated me for years she laughed it off, then gave the letter to him. I haven't spoken to her in years, and have only really heard from other family members about how she's told everyone that I 'ripped her happy family apart'.

I was devastated. Realistically, I know she's more the victim in this situation than me, because I got away, but despite all that I still can't forgive her for putting a relationship (especially such a flawed one) above the safety of her child.

I feel like such a spoilt brat - I know there are people in a far worse situation, I'm happy now, and feel safe, but I still struggle so much with my self-esteem sometimes, and though I know I shouldn't, I blame her just as much as I do him.

You are not a spoiled brat. Your mother was not more of a victim, if anything she was an accomplice. She was the parent and adult, and had the power to remove herself and you from that situation. She choose to stay with an abusive asshole even though she knew better.

Your mother failed in protecting you. You are not at fault. She is. She was a shitty mother if she choose a man over her child. It is good that you've cut contact with her, because it doesn't sound like she deals with reality. Kudos for getting yourself out.

She is still trying to deny that she married an abusive asshole, by blaming you for destroying her 'happy family'. If family members bring it up again, tell them either you don't want to talk about it, because it was a painful time for you. Or tell them that your step-father abused you for years and your mother did nothing, so you choose to contact neither. Whichever you feel comfortable with divulging. Set the record straight so she can't play the victim, because she's not. She's an accomplice.

[ SECRET POST #2078 ]

Re: Rant (people having stupid opinion about serious stuff) - TW: Abuse

Re: Rant (people having stupid opinion about serious stuff) - TW: Abuse