fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2078 ]

[ SECRET POST #2078 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2078 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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TW: Abuse, violence against women.

So, I was talking with this girl today who I am kind of friends with (we have known each other for a couple months now, but we share classes and see each other almost daily so she's one of my best friends at the moment), telling her about something that happened during the Psychoanalysis class, thinking she would think the same as me, knowing she hates Freud as much as I do.

So, the teacher was talking about a certain passive satisfaction that comes with being hit and said that it had a very feminine connotation, that there was a female satisfaction in being hit, that's why there are phrases like "Hit me and call me [female name]" (that's a "funny" phrase in my language, no idea where it comes from or if there is a similar one in others).
After saying that she realized it sounded awful and took a couple minutes to make it clear that she was talking about fantasies and not condoning violence against women, and that abused women didn't have any "satisfaction" from that.

So, I was telling my friend because we hate Freud and his stupid theory and the stupid shit he says about women, but I was happy the teacher took the time to clear that up.
"Well, but abused women do feel some satisfaction from it, don't they?"
*dumbfounded*
"I mean, why would they stay in those situations if they didn't like it?"
*kind of boiling now* Well, it's not that they like it, maybe they don't know how to get out of the situation, specially if they have kinds and no means to maintain them
"Nah, there are tons of shelters and such, they could go there and take the kids there if they really didn't like it, but they do"
And then class started and I couldn't reply further, which maybe was for the better because I didn't want to fight.

UGH I hate when you find someone you really like and suddenly they come up with shit like this, I don't want to be angry with her but I kinda am.

tl;dr: My friend thinks abused women don't get out of those situations because they secretly "like" it, and I weep for humanity.

That's really gross of your kind-of-friend, anon. I'm sorry. ):

It sounds more like plain old ignorance than anything else though. She can't imagine why anybody would stay unless they liked it because she's imagining those abused women are exactly the same as women who have never been abused. I've run into that mindset before- "if someone was hitting *me* I would run!" and she doesn't know of what that kind of situation can do to people.

(op)
I forgot to add that we study Psychology. We are just starting but the inability to think how one person's mindset may be affected by their situation was one of the reasons this bothered me so much. If this same comment came from someone not on this field I may be annoyed but would take it as ignorance and let it go more easily, I think.

AYRT

If you're just starting though- not everyone is a good student or suited for their field. Just 'cause she has an interest in psychology... well.

If you are still talking to this girl, I think you need to have a talk about co-dependency vs "like".

There's kinda a difference.

Yeah we are partners in every group work for the term so we'll still talk.

I'm kind of annoyed that the lecture interrupted our conversation. Now I have to drag the topic back into light to talk about it u.u

Heh, I decided it will be my task for the term, I have a couple months to bring the topic back and talk to her

Yeah, abused people don't generally have a good sense of what they 'like' in people anymore. Someone saying 'they are good to me sometimes' when they are being abused does not mean they enjoy it, they just have a warped view of the world and of people due to abuse.

I'm in an AS program for Counseling and Human Services and some of my classmates are THE. Most. Judgmental. People. EVAR.

I'm older than most of them (46) and i've seen a lot in my life, experienced a lot, and I feel a great compassion for most people. Sometimes in class, I'm appalled by the snarky attitude from other students. It's crazy.

I had to ask one of my instructors why this happens and she said that it comes from people being afraid of their feelings, blocking with attitude so that they don't have to process it.

:) S!B:Sometimes I would like to help them process their stupidity with a sledgehammer. LOLOLOL

I had to ask one of my instructors why this happens and she said that it comes from people being afraid of their feelings, blocking with attitude so that they don't have to process it.

That would explain the sheer amount of jerks I know who are studying Psych right now in college.

"Nah, there are tons of shelters and such, they could go there and take the kids there if they really didn't like it, but they do"

Because shelters are such beautiful a lovely places??? Because it's always so easy to get help???? /sarcasm

People like this have never been abused nor have they ever known anyone who has been abused. The sick and scary part about abuse is that the perpetrators are very good at making their victims feel trapped and like they have no where else to go. That is more often the reason I see for people staying over anything else, yes they are scared of the abuse, but they for some reason are even more afraid of the outside world and consequences of leaving.

Basically your friend really needs to close their mouth about situations they know nothing about.

Maybe there are articles you can get her to read or get your teacher to talk to her?

I had a sort-of friend who I was pretty fond of tell me that disabilities access wasn't important enough for government dollars because disabled people don't contribute to society. I have a learning disability that she knew about.

So yes, that kind of shit sucks.

Sometimes you have to just agree to disagree with people having stupid opinions. Try to express your point as coherently and articulately as possible and be secure in the knowledge that they have heard (though, maybe not understood if they are dense) your side. If their opinion is something so terrible that being friends with them is difficult, then consider attempting to sever your ties or try to drift apart.

Everyone has opinions that you'll find stupid. Seething and stressing only make things worse.

"Nah, there are tons of shelters and such, they could go there and take the kids there if they really didn't like it, but they do"

Spoken like someone who's never been in a shelter.

Man, I get so tired of the "But there are TONS of options!" argument. No matter whether the conversation was about abuse victims, poverty, disabilities, health care, education, escaping discrimination, housing, childcare, or what, it's just a way of saying "I don't want to think about bad things or feel obligated to help and I desperately want to believe life is fair because if it isn't then bad things might happen to me!" It's just a lot of naive, victim-blaming denialism from people who are far more terrified than they are consciously aware of.

I don't usually reply to these, because my own feelings on this issue are ...kind of complicated, but the comment above about blocking out feelings with attitude struck a chord with me.

I grew up in a house where my stepfather was emotionally abusive (mostly to me, not his "real children") and very occasionally physically abusive (definitely just to me, not his "real children") and I spent most of my childhood telling my mother (who knew exactly what he was like) that I was going to grow up and move far away, where he couldn't find me.

I will always remember the first time I saw him hit my mother. I was terrified. (Even today, all grown up and living in a different country I still am terrified of him) what upset me the most though, wasn't what he did, it was watching my mother react to it. She called the police, and he apologized, and I found her later, sitting in her bedroom, crying. (My mother is a nurse, she has worked with victims of domestic abuse for years).
The part which bothered me the most was when she said to me "you know what I'm afraid of? He did exactly what I've heard about so many times. When the police were here he was so sorry, then as soon as they were gone he told me it was my fault."

Years later I moved out, and got as far away from him as possible, but she couldn't accept that. She refused to speak to me, and when I wrote her a letter, detailing exactly how he'd treated me for years she laughed it off, then gave the letter to him. I haven't spoken to her in years, and have only really heard from other family members about how she's told everyone that I 'ripped her happy family apart'.

I was devastated. Realistically, I know she's more the victim in this situation than me, because I got away, but despite all that I still can't forgive her for putting a relationship (especially such a flawed one) above the safety of her child.

I feel like such a spoilt brat - I know there are people in a far worse situation, I'm happy now, and feel safe, but I still struggle so much with my self-esteem sometimes, and though I know I shouldn't, I blame her just as much as I do him.

You are not a spoiled brat. Your mother was not more of a victim, if anything she was an accomplice. She was the parent and adult, and had the power to remove herself and you from that situation. She choose to stay with an abusive asshole even though she knew better.

Your mother failed in protecting you. You are not at fault. She is. She was a shitty mother if she choose a man over her child. It is good that you've cut contact with her, because it doesn't sound like she deals with reality. Kudos for getting yourself out.

She is still trying to deny that she married an abusive asshole, by blaming you for destroying her 'happy family'. If family members bring it up again, tell them either you don't want to talk about it, because it was a painful time for you. Or tell them that your step-father abused you for years and your mother did nothing, so you choose to contact neither. Whichever you feel comfortable with divulging. Set the record straight so she can't play the victim, because she's not. She's an accomplice.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2078 ]

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