fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2085 ]

[ SECRET POST #2085 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2085 ⌋

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This is something that's been eating away at me. For those of you who don't know, ERP stands for Erotic Roleplay. I've been smut RPing with someone over a course of a few months now,and I find it a lot of fun, creatively and emotionally. Our character's just hit it off right away in a forum, and eventually, after some lemon stories we shared and the forum shut down we...just ended up creating scenarios amongst ourselves. And we became really good friends to boot.

The problem is, I've been told off handedly by someone (who doesn't know I ERP) that they believe sexual roleplaying is perverse and still emotionally cheating on a real life partner, eventually becoming life-destroying. In all honesty, I've been really careful with the person I'm RPing with, and I know for a fact that we're friends mutually, and we're both in happy, real-life relationships. Hell, ERPing with him has IMPROVED my sex life, giving me more confidence in myself sexually. Like before, I couldn't go on top because I was so shy, but after writing my character do it, I felt like, why couldn't I be that confident in myself? And it sounds stupid, but it really did help me become more adventurous in bed, whereas before I didn't know what I was really doing.

But still. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we trust each other 100%. I've never told him about this. Part of me is afraid that he will think that I am cheating on him (ESPECIALLY if he knew my RP partner was male), but I honestly feel in my heart that I'm not. But maybe I am, and I'm just in denial over this?

I don't know how to feel. I don't want to stop RPing, because I can't stand the idea of not following our character's lives together, but I'm terrified that maybe I am being disloyal to my bf, and I'm just gambling with our relationship like this.

I don't know what to do...

I definitely think it's something a partner should know about. I think it *can* be considered cheating but really depends on the people RPing, the partners of the people RPing, and how they feel about it and handle it. Keeping it from your partner though is, in my mind, leaning towards the cheating end of the spectrum.

SA - I don't know why the Subject line is for a different thread. I didn't even reply to the other thread. I did 'expand' to read the comments but I wouldn't think that should effect anything. Weird.

I agree with the anon above that you should probably tell your partner about it. Even if he wouldn't be bothered about it if you told him, he might be upset that you'd keep it a secret.

I don't personally think it's cheating if it's between fictional characters that aren't supposed to be you, though. That being said, if it started crossing the line to where it was self-inserts (or, worse, not even bothering with using characters at all) then I'd probably consider that cheating.

The part where he doesn't know is where it matters.

It's an intimate thing, if not a sexual thing. If he's not cool with it, that's something that should be addressed.

And you dont' know if she's cool or not.

You can ask it neutrally if your afraid he'll be mad, but I'd think if you want to be sure it's not cheating, there's only way to find out.

I don't think it's cheating, but it's still something that might make a partner anxious. On those grounds, it would probably be better to tell your boyfriend, or at least ask as a hypothetical ("would it bother you if I . . .") and, if it's a problem for him, either stop doing it or negotiate it in the open.

If he considers it cheating, then yes, you're cheating. You need to talk to him about it to find out.

Just my rule:

Do you need to hide it from your partner? (Not in a, "I'm gonna have some private fun time" but in a, "this will break our relationship" way.)

If so then it's probably cheating, whether we're talking about sex, drugs, alcohol, cash flow, religion, or just about anything else.

I would not consider this cheating. You are right, though. Your bf might. Personally, I don't consider any kind of sex chat cheating unless you get personal and try to foster a rl relationship.

I don't really have advice. It's up to you to determine if your bf's feelings on rping could end your relationship and if you want to risk your relationship by either telling him or not. You have to weigh which is worse and more risky: the secret or the truth.

Everyone lies and keeps secrets in relationships. As much as I always wanted to believe my SO was 100% truthful, I discovered that was not the case. I have secrets of my own, as well. Keeping a secret is risky, but, sometimes, telling the truth can be worse.

OP here.

See, I never considered it as cheating either. I would have never started it if I honestly believed it would be an act of betrayal to my boyfriend. But reading everyone else's comments, it seems that I am, even though I feel inside that I'm not.

I didn't keep it from him out of guilt initially. It just felt...an awkward subject to bring up. But now that time has passed, and what I thought was just a fleeting thing became longer, it just seemed so much worse if I brought it up now.

I think I'm going to end the ERPing. It would just crush me inside if I kept going, knowing that it could wreck what I have at any second. I'm going to keep in contact with the other guy though, since I really do treasure our friendship (and if he doesn't, well that's fine too.)

And I'm not going to tell my bf. I'll just think of this as a boundary not to cross again, unless I speak with him first, and move on. I think that's the best thing I can do rather than risk something so important over something so little in retrospect.

No.

But he still won't react well if he found out I imagine.

Even if you don't think it is cheating but feel your partner might and that causes you to actively hide it from him it's cheating.

I wouldn't care if my SO wanted to engage in ERP but you better believe I would get upset if I found out my SO was hiding the fact that they ERP from me.

I definitely think it's something any RL partners should know about.

I have no opinion on whether it's cheating or not. I will say that the fact that you haven't told him and are worried about his reaction is a red flag and perhaps indicates that YOU think it's cheating whether you want to admit it or not.

I don't think there's anything wrong with ERP, or that it's automatically cheating. But the thing is, what cheating constitutes depends a lot on the couple and the agreed-upon boundaries. If your boyfriend did feel this was cheating, then that'd be an issue.

It's totally a 'some say yes, some say no' thing. Some people would go ballistic, some would be kinda upset but willing to listen, some wouldn't care.

Me, i don't care, my SO doesn't care, but a cousin-in-law taped paper over the bikini models in her husband's car magazines.

So everybody is different. I'd say go with the 'what do you think about....?' approach, and when/if you get ready to talk about what you, specifically are doing, don't get defensive, and don't let him get shouty. Also, talking about how it's given you more self confidence and you feel more sexy/adventurous with him now, because you sort of...figured things out online first might make him happy. Who knows!

Good luck.

If your partner considers it cheating, it doesn't matter if YOU consider it cheating. Maybe he wouldn't see it that way, but you're being dishonest by keeping this from him and unfair by not letting him make an informed decision about whether he wants to be with you.

It really depends on your partner. My first (long-distance) girlfriend cybered with people sometimes; I didn't care. But I've also seen people that would consider it a deal-breaker.

I can't tell you which your boyfriend might be, but what I can say is he'd be far more likely to not care or forgive you if you tell him rather than him finding out on his own.

The fact that you have used the words I can't stand the idea of not following our character's lives together is telling me you have a emotional connection with this guy which is not good in anyway

only way i can put this is just remove the game for a second and think
about if he was doing this on his phone or PC with another woman and the fact that you will sit there and describe in detail what you are doing to each other is not healthy some people find this cheating many don't the only thing you can do is ask him and find a good healthy point where you are both comfortable with

ERP isnt cheating, You are controlling another character so it isnt you. Thats like if god had a wife and he turned the future towards me havin sex with someone that means he just cheated. Nah it doesnt work like that. #7yearslaterreply

It's cheating on him that's all I'll say

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[ SECRET POST #2085 ]

Is ERP cheating?

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