fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2096 ]

[ SECRET POST #2096 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2096 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04. http://i.imgur.com/KENos.png
[True Blood; sort of porny, illustrated ... choking and spanking or something?]

__________________________________________________

05.

[Koi Kaze; Freefall]

__________________________________________________

06.

[Suits]

__________________________________________________

07.

[A Song of Ice and Fire]

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Doctor Who]

__________________________________________________

12. [SPOILERS for A Song of Ice and Fire]

__________________________________________________

13. [SPOILERS for the Stand]

__________________________________________________

14. [SPOILERS for Teen Wolf]

__________________________________________________

15. [SPOILERS for Shin Megami Tensei IV]

__________________________________________________

[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

16. [WARNING for self-harm]

[bogglelovesyou@tumblr]

__________________________________________________

17. [WARNING for attempted suicide and depression]

[The Walking Dead]

__________________________________________________

18. [WARNING for suicide]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #299.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hey, F!S.
I need some help.
There's this friend I've known for a while - four or five years, I think. She's an artist (and a really good one) and also something of a "hipster", I guess, because she's into indie, obscure music and arthouse film.
My problem? I don't know if I should continue being friends with her.
Because I don't know if she even WANTS to be friends with me.

She barely talks to any of our friend group anymore. TBH, when we were at school she didn't talk to them much then, but now she doesn't hang out with them. She says she doesn't have any she talks to at university.
Most of the time, when interacting with people, she's very quiet. Doesn't make conversation unless you initiate it. Doesn't make eye a lot of eye contact. Doesn't express a lot of emotion, either. She never has birthday parties, doesn't invite anyone over.

My impression was that she was shy or socially awkward. Now, as an introvert myself, I know what it's like to be shy + socially awkward, and I know how painful loneliness can be. So I thought I'd befriend her. (And I just really wanted to get to know her, I thought she was an interesting person.) Thing is, I'm pretty sure she's not a robot. She is capable of laughter. I've seen her cry, once. One time she made me a mix CD for my birthday.

But now... I wonder if she just doesn't want any friends. If she would just be happier if I left her alone. It feels like I do all the work, putting in a lot of effort and expending a lot of energy, for nothing.

A month ago or so ago, I invited her to an artsy thing, because I had a free ticket and thought she might enjoy it. I invited her well in advance. On the morning I was going to leave, she texted me telling me she couldn't go. Luckily I managed to invite one of my other friends at the last minute.
Still, I was annoyed. Then, a couple of days ago, completely out of the blue, she rings me up to invite me to a film, to "make it up to me." Sure, okay, I'll go. And it was typical. Silence. A few bits of conversation, usually initiated by me.

ARGH!!! F!S, what should I do? The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. Whenever I'm around her, I don't know what to do! I over-analyze every word I say. Is she silently judging me? Does she even WANT to be friends? Does she like me? Am I just inconveniencing her? Am I coming on too strong? It makes me feel so juvenile, and I hate it. Like some overeager teenager with a crush. Part of me thinks I just shouldn't bother, but then I'd feel like a terrible person for giving up on someone else like that.

wow. If it weren't for specific details in here I would almost think this was about me!
Hmm. Maybe she just prefers silence and feels comfortable not speaking, or doesn't know what to say? It can be difficult to talk to someone if you don't know what you have in common or if it's just the two of you. Often I find that there are some friends I have that I get along well with, but I need someone else there so that conversation can happen. Otherwise I won't know what to say and it will just be kind of awkward.
Or maybe she just likes being alone more than she likes hanging out with her friends? Idk. I think you should try ask her about it. Might be awkward, but if you're honest with her about being confused then she might be honest with you in return.

Thanks! :)

It just... makes me feel upset and angry, because she doesn't seem to care or respond or make any effort at all.

It's like she's behind this glass wall (probably bulletproof), and I'm trying to talk to her in Spanish and she only understands sign language. Or something like that.

One thing I probably should have mentioned in the previous post: I think she was bullied at a school she used to go to, and the target of racism. Maybe I'm intimidating her?

Hmm. I don't know if you would be intimidating her, unless you went up to her every day like "HI HANG OUT WITH ME COME ON IT'LL BE FUN DO IT!" If you think it could be a problem it might be good to give her some space for a while?
And I can see how that would be frustrating! You seem to really want to maintain a friendship with her, so perhaps if you do talk to her you should mention that. But that you're not sure how to go about being a friend if she doesn't drop you a bone. Or something.
Those are my thoughts on the matter anyway, you may well have different ones! But I hope you can sort it all out. =]

No, I'm not like that. (I actually have to drag myself along to hang out with people, lol, so I can kinda see where she's coming form.)
But it would be nice to have some kind of reciprocation.

I guess I'll just let it sit for a while. If I see her again and get an opportunity to talk, I'll ask her about it.

Thanks for the help. :)

As a frequent forced reader of Annie's Mailbox, I feel pretty confident saying that that's just the way this person is -- it's not reflection on you -- she's just not much of a giver. If you can deal with that, by all means, continue to be her friend in whatever capacity works for both of you. If you can't deal with it, cut loose.

But whatever you do, don't force yourself to be her friend because you don't want to "give up on someone." She's not a charity case.

Good point.

I don't want her to be a "charity case". I don't want to "save her" or whatever. That's her business to deal with.

I just want to know if she even wants to be friends with me.

I guess you'll either have to ask or assume that she does until she tells you otherwise.

I guess so.
Thanks for the help. I suppose I just needed a space to vent, more than anything.

As someone who was dumped by a person basically exactly as you describe, I don't really have any advice, except I know my previous best friend preferred to talk though text, either on the phone or Internet, seriously the amount we used to chat online even when we was in the same room was insane... So that worked, I guess some people just don't feel the need to have conversations with people.

Other than that, friends aren't supposed to be a chore, they are supposed to be there for you and vice versa...

She sounds a lot like me. Especially since you mentioned the bullying and racism. I would say, don't assume you know what she's thinking. Don't assume she doesn't value you as a friend. For all you know, she adores you and thinks you're the most awesome person in the world, and she doesn't have the tools to express that.

I'm always the "quiet one" in my friendships. It's really hard for me to call people up, or to arrange to hang out. My social anxiety (a direct result of being bullied) makes it so that even striking up a conversation with the people I'm closest to can be pretty terrifying. I've lost a lot of friends over the years because I wasn't able to contribute as much or they thought I was too aloof. The truth is I was just really intimidated. I didn't want to sound stupid or make them uncomfortable or bored.

There's also a cultural component to this, especially if you're from different backgrounds. Where I'm from people really frowns on overt emotional displays. I mean, we really look at it as a sort of "white person thing" to cry in public or hug someone or verbally express affection. With my family and friends back home its really common for people to hang out for hours without saying much of anything. We don't say "I love you", its not a snub to not keep in touch (most of our family touches base about once a year, even though we're really close), etc.

But, I love my friends. There is no where I'd rather be than hanging out with a friend, even if we're sitting in silence because I don't know what to say.

Maybe try contacting her through other means? Like, get her IM handle or her email. Find out if she's on tumblr or google+ or somewhere else you can talk online. She might be more comfortable that way.

Thanks for your response. :)

I definitely don't assume I know what she's thinking. I have no clue!

The bit about the cultural difference was very interesting. I am white, though I'm not a very expressive person myself - no hugging/crying in public if I can help it.
But maybe I shouldn't try to make conversation to "fill the space".

What culture are you from, by the way?

It wasn't clear to me if you're all in university/different schools right now, or if she recently went to university?

Your friend sounds an awful lot like me when I went to university (and still am, to some degree): into relatively obscure/old-fashioned/nerdy stuff; "the quiet one"; "hard to read".

The avoiding/cancelling out of social gatherings, cutting off social ties, and quiet, awkward "make-up" get-togethers also sounds similar to myself rather early at university when I was very, very depressed (and also still am, to some degree). Initiation of conversation and eye contact might be shyness -- even at my most confident, it's something I have to consciously will out of myself -- though I know both also went very far down for me at that time, too. I don't want to Internet-diagnose, but depression was the first thing that came to mind on reading your post.

otoh, quietness and stoicness is something more cultural for myself (I was taught to not call attention to strong emotions, and politeness being partnered with reservedness). And not inviting people over or having birthday parties, to me, seems more like introversion.

When people made social efforts for me when my efforts really were nil (talking to me, inviting me places, etc. ), and they weren't condescending (I had people talk about me in third person when I was there about taking me out of my shell, or laughing about how hi-larious it would be if I got drunk, and so forth), it made a huge, positive difference. Again, my mindset was terrible, so I feel like I never fully reciprocated back then (I would think "whatever I do, they'll hate it/be bored/do it just out of pity", especially if it's something not popular or mainstream), but even something as small as joining me for a meal or acknowledging me directly kept me hanging together.

From the more shy/introverted angle, it also helped when people invited me to things that they were definitely interested in themselves and didn't require a lot of talk, either because it was passive-ish -- seeing a film -- or they did the talking. Because, even though I was quiet, it kept me from analyzing everything they said, trying to figure out if their interest was genuine, rather than pity, politeness, or anything else... So maybe, too, your friend is doing the same over-analysis and worry?

I hope there's something helpful in there. fwiw, I don't think she would have made the effort to invite you to the film in any case if she didn't want you as a friend on some level, especially since it came "out of the blue" (if she is extremely averse to social gatherings for whatever reason, it likely didn't come out of the blue for her, but was something she was thinking about for a while).

sa

One other thing, on re-reading some of the earlier replies: I had, at some point, to learn to make more, er, expressive expressions, because yeah, slurs and bullying make one learn to poker-face a lot. It genuinely surprised me when people told me, later on, how difficult I was to read.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2096 ]

Friendship help

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help

Re: Friendship help