Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-11-19 05:26 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-11-19 05:26 pm
[ SECRET POST #2148 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2148 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
01.
__________________________________________________
02.
__________________________________________________
03.
__________________________________________________
04.
__________________________________________________
05.
__________________________________________________
06.
__________________________________________________
07.
__________________________________________________
08.
__________________________________________________
09.
__________________________________________________
10.
__________________________________________________
11.
__________________________________________________
12.
__________________________________________________
13.
__________________________________________________
14.
__________________________________________________
15.
__________________________________________________
16.
__________________________________________________
Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 080 secrets from Secret Submission Post #307.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 3 4 - doing a bit of troll-weeding ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Heeelp!
So, I met this guy a while ago at an author signing in the city in the summer. We talked and stuff. We eventually exchange numbers in order to hang in the future. I was like, "Yay! Another Whovian to hang with 8DDDD". We texted each other about our thoughts on geeky movies and the upcoming season of DW.
So, about maybe three weeks after texted each other, he decided to show me a few places where they sold old school video games. I said sure cuz it meant I could find stuff for my GB or PS/PS2. We met and decided to eat. We had Subway. When I went to getto pay for my stuff, he said to not worry. Okay. I mentioned to him hat I was looking for a job. So, I thought he was just being nice. (I've had guy friends that occasionally cheered me up by buying me lunch.) We went around looked at the two places for used games. I marveled and fangirled at all the old and pretty games and systems. Around four, we ran out things to see. I'm a bit tired. SO I suggest to head home. 'It's too early. How about we go see a movie? If not, we can go to my place and we'll watch some DW' I decline at first. After a bit more instisting, we got see Prometheus. Then call it a day.
I was weirded out. Though, I dismissed it at first to him being nice b/c I'm facing hard times.
Second time we hang, my area now. He pays for everything even when I try to pay on my own. I try to end it early since we ran out of stuff to do. He suggesst we can go to my house to watch stuff. I declined with a half lie. Eventually, I said that need to get home b/c I'm doing an evening talk with my buddies. At this point, I don't feel comfortable. I get the feeling he likes me, but I don't return the feels.
Yesterday. I had a really tough week. I just wanted to have some fun. My BFF couldn't meet me due to family stuff. I canceled hanging out the week before with him because of sickness. I'm one to keep my promises. Anyways, we go to see Skyfall. He tries the stretching arm tactic during the movie, but he never did it since I didn't give him the opportunity. We found an arcade and played a few games. While, he was away, I got my own tokens. Anyways, he didn't mind. We playing DDR, shooting games, and other stuff. I commented that I'm terrible at these and I made fun my ineptness at shooting. We had fun. I had told him earlier that I had to leave at 5 b/c my mom's aid left at six. So, we say goodbye, I wave and turn to leave. HE HUGS ME FROM BEHIND. I stiffen up at this. Ten agonizing seconds later, he lets go. I walk normally until the turning corner before sprinting down the subway. Before going to the arcade, he tried to get to come over to his place again to watch DW and listen to the audio drama he got. I had said no. (I don't go to people house that I haven't know for a year)
I tell my mom what happened. She tells me, "Well, his friends are in other states, right? Well, he's lonely. He just sees you as a friend. The awkward hugs was probably b/c he probably didn't get much affection as a kid."
I'm like, "No, I don't think so. He likes me. I need to tell him, I'm not interested."
Frankly, my gut instinct tells me to be wary. He's a nice guy and all, but I don't want to date. Too many reason not to. (Depression, wanting to stay single, low self esteem etc) Anyways, after my mother kept insisting that, "He's not interested in you. He's being a gentleman!" has made me doubt myself.
Now, I'm just wondering. 'What did I say or do to make him think we're dating? Am I just imagining that he likes me? How do I tell that I don't like him in that way? Do I tell him anything? Do I just stop answering his texts?' I'm at a lose on what to do F!S....The whole situation makes me feel bad and nervous. Now, I'm on the verge of crying over this matter. (I feel so stupid that I want to cry over this situation)
TL;DR: I think he likes me, but I never expressed that I was interested in dating him. My moms keeps insists he's being nice and makes me question myself. Now, I have no idea what to do.
Sorry this so long and rambly. I'm just really don't know what to do.
Re: Heeelp!
(Anonymous) 2012-11-20 06:50 am (UTC)(link)Re: Heeelp!
(Anonymous) 2012-11-20 07:04 am (UTC)(link)But yeah, just tell him. Some people are beyond picking up on hints.
Re: Heeelp!
The problem is, for me this has always happened with longtime friends so I knew I could be confrontational or even argumentative without there being a problem and our friendship would be fine. So take my advice with a grain of salt.
But honestly, your whole post reeks of something that I think you need to understand. You sound like you feel responsible for his emotions. Let me tell you a secret. You're not. His emotions are his and if you haven't been flirting with him then you haven't been flirting with him. You haven't led him on. His emotions are not your responsibility. Honestly, it sounds like he is the one who's not catching the hint that you're not interested.
From what I can tell, you have done nothing wrong.
The only advice I can give is this: do you want to still be friends with him? If so, then you need to be firm about physical contact, paying for yourself, and anything else that can be considered date-like behavior. If he pushes it, let him know that it makes you uncomfortable and you only consider it something boyfriends do. Start inviting other people to your get-togethers so it's less like a date and more like a group of friends. Let your friends know about the problem so they can run interference.
If his behavior continues even after you make it clear you don't like it then you're going to have to be straightforward and honest. You like him as a friend and don't want to be in a relationship for the reasons you've listed here. If he listens to you, great. If he doesn't then you need to drop him like a hot potato. This doesn't mean that when you tell him you need to be mean, far from it, but you do need to be firm and truthful.
I hope that helps.
Re: Heeelp!
Even with a friend I was pretty close with, who I absolutely was not flirting with, he got the wrong idea and ended up kissing me. That was not my fault. I felt AWFUL for a while, but then I realized hey, I just need to speak up. So I told him, and because he's a friend, he respected that.
Some guys aren't that sharp, and even when they are, they still want to think you'll 'come around'. Just put your foot down, because you have every right to.
Absolutely do not let him guilt you and say 'but you let me buy you these things, and we've been on a few dates!'. Tell him 'you offered those things, and it was confusing me and making me uncomfortable, so I'm telling you now because I don't want it to go any further.'
Re: Heeelp!
(Anonymous) 2012-11-20 07:00 am (UTC)(link)Re: Heeelp!
(Anonymous) 2012-11-20 07:38 am (UTC)(link)OR preface that with
'When you act in (actions here), it makes me feel as if you might be implying (what you think here). If this is the case, then I should let you know that I'm not interested and don't want anything like that at this time. If I'm misinterpreting you, I'm sorry, but you should know that... (above comment goes here)'.
Does this make sense?
Several steps to this. State what the behaviour is without saying whether it's 'good' or 'bad'. Is he trying to be nice? Is he not? Never mind, you don't need to mention that here. Then state how you feel about the behaviour. State why you feel that way, and what about the behaviour makes you feel that way. Tell the guy what you'd rather him do, and make it clear that you would be happier and your life would be better if he changed what he was doing.
Notice this doesn't actually touch on what his motives are, and instead assumes he would like to make you comfortable / not offend. If he's TRYING to be nice and meaning to be nice, this is the best way to address it.
Now, if he tries to invalidate your feelings (i.e. 'no, you don't REALLY feel that way / you actually feel this way instead'), then NOPE THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, this is not being nice at all, this is bad stuff and you do not want to be around that any longer than is necessary. Feel free to explain as much as you want why you feel a particular way and make as much sense of that as possible, but don't let someone tell you that it's wrong to feel.