fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2150 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2150 ⌋

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I really don't think my current medication to manage my bipolar is working anymore, and right now I'm freaking the fuck out at the prospect of having to see my therapist next week. I can't stand the woman, and she barely knows half of what's going on with me because I hide shit from her, but I can't switch doctors at the moment and I'm even more fucking insane without my damn pills.

Seriously, I'm on the verge of tears right now because I can't get over how much of a fuck-up I am and how awful I've been to everyone this past month. And of course I'm also restless as hell right now, but I have the feeling that if I get in my car to go anywhere, I'm going to run into a fucking pole or something. Jesus christ, I want it to stop.

Would it be possible to talk to your therapist about switching doctors or therapists? Start working on a backup plan for the future when you do? I guess that might be pretty awkward.

Please don't get in your car. Maybe go for a run or a walk or get up and dance like a monster? That helps me when I'm feeling manic, just getting up and shaking everything and exerting all the energy I possibly can.

Good luck.

Maybe? I don't know. My biggest problem is that I'm not the one paying for my treatment right now and I have no idea where to even begin looking for a new psychiatrist, especially since I know I wouldn't be able to afford one on my own.

I went and baked some bread to burn off some energy (kneading the dough helped a bit), but I'm still jumpy. I'm probably going to go exercise like some other people suggested if it gets any worse.

Running, jogging, those tend to help me when I feel my meds are fucking up. Find a way to work off your energy until you feel you can switch doctors. It definitely sounds like you need to either switch meds or up your dose and if you can't trust your current therapist that'd be difficult.

Secondly! *hugs*

It's really shitty living with bipolar. But however much of a fuck-up you think you are being, you are probably being much, much less of one. I've had that echo-chamber in my head before and it's easy to exaggerate something that later people will tell you they didn't find that big a problem, or that they were already over. Work off your energy and then maybe talk to some of those people if you can.

I'd suggest napping but I know how hard it is to fall asleep when you feel like that, so I can really, really suggest exercise of some kind. Listen to some music while you're at it maybe.

I went and baked some bread to burn off a little energy (kneading dough helps sometimes, and it did a bit this time), but I'm probably going to go exercise after this because I'm still restless and jumpy.

My doses recently went up on all of my medications and a new one was added, but I've been all over the place since the switch. I think it's better than the depression I'd fallen into before the change (I was just short of hospitalization for suicidal ideation), but I know I've been really up and down on everyone this month, especially over stupid little shit, and I can feel them losing patience with me.

Calm down. Breathe. You're not a fuck-up. You're not going to run into a pole. Everything seems like a disaster and the worst thing ever when you're in the middle of a low point, but if you take some time out, have a rest, and return to it later, it will seem clearer.

If you can't change your therapist or doctor right now, the main thing you want to work on is changing the medication. Let them know that it's not working.

Later on, maybe try getting referred to a different therapist.

I'm definitely going to let her know that what I'm on now isn't working, but I don't think I can switch until I'm in a different living situation. I'm not the one paying for my medical expenses right now (my parents are because I'm poor as fuck), and I don't know what they'd do if I told them how I feel about my therapist and asked for a change. It was bad enough when I needed to switch my general physician.

If you think you can't drive, don't. The risk of getting in a wreck isn't worth it.

I say go to your therapist, even if you don't like her. (Maybe even see if you can get an earlier appointment? I know it sucks, but I think it would be worth the payoff in this case.)

Even if you don't want to be fully open about things, it's best you tell her the medication isn't working like it should. :/ She's supposed to listen patiently and help you, so she should at least try to find you something more suitable.

And if you want to see another doctor you should start looking for one; keep that information close for when you need it.

Hope things work out. Feel better!

Edited 2012-11-22 01:40 (UTC)

Someone else is using the car right now, so that temptation is out of reach for the moment. I'm trying to find other things to expend energy on.

She'll definitely be told that my meds aren't working because I can't keep living like this anymore, but I'm too chicken shit to open up to her about certain things that I know I should because some of them might end up with me getting hospitalized. I'm not the one paying for my medical expenses right now (my parents are because I'm poor as fuck), and I can't do that to them. I really, really can't.

Is it a sure thing that you would be hospitalized if you told her? Like, wouldn't it be possible that if you told her that you want an alternative solution(s) to being hospitalized, something could be worked out?

You could always write down all the things you haven't told her and give the paper to her before you lose your nerve.

Maybe even writing them down might help?

I agree with the above: Definitely tell your doctor you don't think the meds are working. And then try to get a new therapist.

For now... maybe do something that engages your brain and takes your mind off your feelings that you're a fuck-up. I agree that exercise is good, sometimes reading really works for me, or a hot bath, or anything.

I'm going to try, but I don't know where to begin looking for a new one, and I know I'm not going to ask her because she intimidates the hell out of me.

I'm going to go exercise after this and see if that gets rid of excess energy. The house has mostly cleared out for church and such, so I won't feel bad about it potentially disturbing someone.

oh D: I know the feel of feeling like such a fuckup all you can do is cry. I don't have bipolar though so you probably got there in a totally different way from me.

At any rate best of luck, I really hope things work out better, and I hope you are able to change therapists soon.

<3

Thanks. I don't know that I can change and how I will when/if I'm able, but I'm hoping this stupidity of mine clears up soon because I can't keep doing this. People are already tired of my bullshit.

Hiding shit from your therapist is the easiest way to ensure it doesn't work. Odds are pretty good what your hiding is not because it's not worth mentioning.

Now, maybe that means you are sure you can't tell HER. Which, as already discussed, tells you something about how the therapist isn't working. But you gotta find somebody you can tell it all to, or you'll likely have the same problems again and again.

[ SECRET POST #2150 ]

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