fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2169 ]

[ SECRET POST #2169 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2169 ⌋

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So, my dad has always been somewhat clueless socially speaking. He's also a hypocrite with anger management and control issues. When he started getting physically violent a few years ago by throwing random things when he got angry, I stopped all contact with my parents. That was when my best friend intervened and gave my parents "marriage counseling" and got them to treat me like an adult, among other things. I moved back with them a while ago because dad tore a nerve in his shoulder and my mom's arthritis started getting worse. It was ok at first but then dad started yelling and screaming at everyone for the littlest things again.

I spoke with a counselor at school a few months ago about this and we decided on a few points of discussion/plan of attack. The only thing that has changed since then was the wording of insults/rants. There were no changes at all in attitude. And yesterday... he started the insults again. He'd asked me to move the groceries from our enclosed porch inside the house. Since it's winter so the groceries were not going to rot on the porch or anything and I was busy studying, I told him I'd do it later. He said he was gonna go out for a bit and when he came back within half an hour, he started yelling at me for not bringing in the groceries. He yelled at me for sitting in front of the computer all day, saying I can't live without it and stuff like that. Then he finished with, "you really do have something wrong with your head."

For the record, I was studying for my programming exam which was this morning. All my notes, lecture slides and practice labs are on the computer but no, computers are the evilest things ever even though dad spends all his free time either watching tv or surfing the net.

I ended up playing a lot of plants vs zombies after that.

And then today, after I got back home from school, I wore my winter jacket into my room and wrapped my blankets around me because I was cold. Dad saw that and asked, "you're wearing your jacket in your room. Don't you need to take it off?" "No." "You're hot, you should take it off." "NO I'm not." "Take off the jacket." "NO I'M COLD I'M NOT TAKING OFF THE JACKET!" Then he got all upset that I yelled at him when he was only "caring about me."

He asked if I was sick after finishing his rant about me not appreciating him.

I was sick last week and I'm still feeling weak. I don't know if I'm still sick but I'm definitely not feeling well and it shouldn't take a genius to figure that out.

I know one of the things I'm supposed to work on is changing my expectations of what I think dad should act like and see things from his point of view. It's just really difficult to do that when he doesn't say what he means clearly and then blows up when he doesn't get the reaction he wants. He laughs when I point out how unclear he is being and says I should be able to figure out what he means from context. Like the thing today - he never asked how I was feeling. He insisted I take off the jacket and said I was hot when I clearly wasn't. How the hell was I supposed to get "I'm concerned about your health" instead of some arbitrary "no jacket indoors" rule from that? And when I said no repeatedly, he never asked why not. He just kept trying to get me to take off the jacket.

I'm still upset. I have more exams coming up but all I want to do is sleep and shut everything down. I'm also starting to want to get a knife and watch blood flow down my arm. I know that isn't healthy but I don't want to kill myself. That's good right? I mean, it's not good but it's not that bad right?

Fuck it all.

Sounds like my mom. :( and you shouldn't add any more strain to your body if you're feeling poorly. This behavior is unlikely to improve your mood for more then a few moments, and will perhaps make you feel worse. Try a physically demanding activity like running or dancing. Maybe scream into a pillow to vent? Good luck.

ughhhhh what a load of shit. That's so obnoxious.

Best of luck and keep us posted. Take care of yourself and get out of there asap.

Seconding what other anon said - don't put more strain on your body than you have. Especially because it could result in bloodloss making it harder to recover from being sick and staying generally healthy.

I totes understand the "just want to shut down/sleep" thing. I wish I had more to offer than my empathy. I just really hope it gets better and your dad starts taking some more responsibility for what he says.

<3

also that "something wrong in the head" comment hit me because my brother will occasionally say things like that to me and arghhhhhasldjfk;lk

His point of view blows. Jayzus.

Sorry, OP.
*hugs*

This is going into possibly private manners, but can they hire a worker to help them?

I doubt your father's attitude is going to get better, from what you've told us, and I get that you don't want to leave them alone when they need you, but damn, that's not healthy for you.

(BTW, I'm glad that you left the first time. And good on your friend. And that your parents accepted counseling is a good signal, but... :( )

I'm sorry to say this, since it sounds like you're an adult by this time, but the fact is your Dad isn't going to change. If he's as old as he is and still acts like that, he's going to keep acting like that.

He sounds quite a bit like my dad, in that when he gets stressed/angry/worried about something, it amps up his already antisocial behavior. A lot of the time he isn't trying to be hurtful or malicious to me, he's just trying to blow off steam and doesn't have the self control to stop himself.

Chances are you won't be able to "talk" to him and get him to see reason and treat you differently. If your mom has any sway in how he does things, ask her to talk to him about it, it might give him something to think about.

Having parents who yell at you, degrade you, and use physical violence around you is hard to cope with. I understand, because it's hard for me to cope with.

Basically, you have to figure out on your own whether or not you'll be able to accept that this is just who your father is, or if it's something you feel you have to get away from.

Even though my dad can be difficult to deal with, I come back because I know they need my help with their business. I know they love me, despite the hurtful shit they say to me, and I've come to just accepting the fact that I'm not going to have a conventionally loving relationship with them.

Reading this was pretty much like reliving an average day of my life 10 years ago, jesus. I actually had forgotten how bad it used to be.

fwiw, my dad has calmed down a lot under the influence of medication and a fuck-ton of CBT therapy, but I also never realised how much his hair-trigger screaminess when I was a teenager was entirely because of his irrational obsessive worrying he couldn't control. Because I am no longer his responsibility in any way (and couldn't be, since he's verging on unemployable drifter at this point) we actually get along. Life is weird.

Sorry, I don't know if this is helpful. Obviously you already know that part of the problem is that he goes straight from "this upsets me" to yelling without the least self-examination. I think I've learned to head that off a bit with very calm, assertive, statements of fact but I don't know if that will help in your case because staying calm under vicious irrational attack from your own father is a painful skill to learn. Maybe it helps to know that other people have felt so hopeless and frustrated they thought they were going to explode as well...

God, I hope this wasn't a creepy level of detail??? Good luck with your exam in any case ;)

> and a fuck-ton of CBT therapy

Cock & Ball Torture therapy?

AYRT

OH DUDE I DON'T THINK SO. But YKINMK Dad. It's cool.

DA

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but I can see how you would think the other.

Congratulations, you made me spit-take my tea!

Firstly, please don't hurt yourself!!!!

Secondly, the problem here is your father, not you. Sometimes all you can do is just walk away. And in this case I mean move out. If that is an option for you, you really should consider it.

I don't know you or your family, but your dad sounds a lot like mine. And with my dad it was Alzheimer's, a disease so inaccurately portrayed in media that it was almost a year before I accepted my father's diagnosis. The sudden inclusion of violence is what made me think of it. Google it and see if it's something that's even possible and then bring it up with your mother if you think you might be exhibiting symptoms of it.

Don't hurt yourself. Don't let yourself be hurt. I can only imagine how you're feeling right now and if it were me, I'd feel very alone and very unloved. You are not alone and you are loved. Take care and please let us know how you're doing.

Man, it sounds like you need to get back out of there as soon as possible. Your dad isn't good for you. And literally telling you how you're feeling physically, when you're actively contradicting him? That's just fucked up and abusive.

You don't have to see things from his perspective. You don't have to change your standards to match what he's doing. He's treating you badly, and it's okay not to put up with that.

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