fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2233 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2233 ⌋

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My dad works around the clock (from home). He barely breaks away from the computer to have a 20 minute dinner with us, but even then his mind is on work work work. It's driving my mum crazy, and me as well, but it's especially hard on her. She's so giving when it comes to him, and he doesn't give back--except, as he puts it, "the money for our vacations".

I'm 23, I'm self-sufficient, and I'm just tired of living with my parents and not being able to bring guys home or have friends over without having to make sure we don't speak too loud. It's long overdue. But whenever I think about leaving, I feel TERRIBLE for my mum. She would be really lonely. She has lots friends, but they don't live near, and she only sees them once in a while. She talks to her sister on the phone every day but her sister spends most of her time with her husband. And my mom is retired so she's got nothing to keep her busy during the day.

I just can't bear to think of her so lonely because my dad's addicted to work and so self-absorbed he can barely think to wish her a happy birthday. I feel like I'm the only thing keeping my mom happy these days.

I dunno why I'm posting this, I guess I just need to vent somewhere.

It sounds like your mother and father need relationship counseling if she feels he is neglecting her emotionally or socially, and that's a problem between the two of them that doesn't have anything to do with you. You're a grown woman and can't take the place of your father as far as companionship goes. The only thing I could think of to do is to sit down with your mother and explain that you want to move out, and the reasons why, which are all valid reasons -- make sure that you stress that none of them have anything to do with her (even if you're lying a little because I'm sure she might be getting on your nerves) Also make sure to sympathize with her loneliness (I have to ask though, does she have any friends?) Maybe find an activity that you and your mother can do once or twice a week, even better in a setting with other people, to give her an avenue to meet people and make other friends? Certainly she understands that if you move out you will be able to visit every once in awhile (I would try to visit her at least once a week after you move just so she won't freak the fuck out, IDK)

You can keep up with your mom outside the house, you know. In fact, it gives her a good reason to leave the house, assuming you keep your doors open.

I would not let this stop you from having your own life. Just keep her a part of yours.

I think this is really good advice.

This is gonna sound harsh, but you can't be your mom's entire support system. You have to do what's right for you and hope that she'll be able to do what's right for her.

Also, it's possible she's staying in that situation for you. I'm kind of in a similar situation right now, though I'm not entirely self-sufficient yet but I'm saving up. And I know that one of the reasons my mother doesn't leave is because she'd have to rely on me for support, and then I'll never be able to be independent. She could also be afraid, and seeing you having the courage to get out might inspire her.

Do you think your mom would talk to you honestly about the situation?

You staying put and being unhappy isn't going to make your mum happy in the long term. At best it's a bandaid.

You moving out could potentially even turn out to be good for her. As was said upthread, your place will be a new place for her to visit away from the house. And seeing you in a new context where your life isn't defined by your dad's demands might help her get up the motivation to make some changes herself.

As it is, it sounds like all three of you are stuck in a holding pattern, and that's not going to magically change by itself.

+1.

Hope things work out, your mom is okay, and your parents get some help. :(

In the meantime, maybe you should suggest a hobby for your mom in addition to visiting you at your new place? She wouldn't have to go through with it of course, but if she could find something fun to do or someplace nice to go maybe she wouldn't be as unhappy and bored.

All of this.

And not only can she use your place as a get away spot, but you can meet up by doing other activities together as well. Find a local production company and see a play, find a nature trail and do a hike, go to a mall and do a bunch of window shopping... sometimes just a breath of fresh air and some change can do wonders.

OH GOSH ANON I'M IN THE SAME BOAT. I'm moving tomorrow and I'm so worried about my mom. She and my dad don't get along but they're both retired so they're going to be alone with each other ALL THE TIME.

What you'll just have to do is set aside a day/night to spend with her, maybe have a movie night or something? That's what I'm going to do. :3

As someone who stayed with my parents until I was 22, I can see where you are coming from. My mother spent a lot of her time and energy on me, and I could tell she enjoyed having me around as an adult because I kept her company and she didn't have to really worry about me like she did as a kid.

But if you want to move out, DO IT. Your mother will be sad, yes, but that doesn't mean she won't find other things to do once you're gone. It's an adjustment yes, but if you feel what is right for you is leaving, she will understand.

Oh anon, I have no advice, just hugs. I'm in the same place, I worry so much about what my mom after I leave home (for me it's still a few years down the road)

Oh anon. /hugs/ I think you should get out. It's not easy. I know, I'm in a similar position. But I think you need to do this for you. Maybe you can keep up with your mom over the phone, skype, and have her over? /hugs again/

[ SECRET POST #2233 ]

I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

move out

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...

Re: I'm afraid that if I move out, my mum will be depressed...