fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2253 ]

[ SECRET POST #2253 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2253 ⌋

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Only one?

I don't understand the validity of the distinction you're making. Why is that "only"? Couldn't you say that all human interactions are fundamentally biochemical in nature? In what other way could parents be said to love their children, and why would it be more worthy of regard?

I dunno. Like they have a primal urge to protect them or see them as an extension of themselves but not a real emotional connection?

Oh yeah I see what you mean. Yeah I think an actual emotional connection on that level with your child is a much more personal and less automatic and more fraught and negotiated thing than the sort of automatic, fierce love. But that's kind of always the way with human beings? idk man.

So are you *saying* that most parents have no real emotional connection, or just imagining they don't?

Asking? A lot of the parents I know are very protective of their kids but they don't really enjoy spending time with them or engaging them on a real, attentive level like my mom did with me?

Sadly, a lot of people are crap-ass parents who had their kid(s) way too young and are too selfish to get that a kid is not a doll.

And some parents are just too caught up in their own drama to actually realize their kid is a human being instead of a burden.

I loved hanging out with my parents and we talked and had fun and did things together and i did my best to be the same to my daughter. I can't imagine not wanting to *engage* with her. She's awesome.

But you could say that any 'real emotional connections' (using your phrase) you make with people outside your immediatefamily - outside of those you supposedly are biochemically induced to love - are actually the result of evolutionary instincts to form an inclusive social network to increase your survival chances.

That is, you could reduce any aspect of human behaviour down to its biological/psychological/evolutionary core. And so, without getting into some kind of philosophical argument about what is it to be human, I guess I just don't know why you're drawing the distinction you are. Especially seeing as I'm pretty sure most people who care and nurture and profess love for their child beyond the first few years of its life have made a 'real emotional connection' with them - not matter if that connection began as a biochemical reaction.

Same as loving couples whose connection started as a flurry of pheremones or a rush of oxytocin post coitus or whatever - I don't think you'd call a relationship that lasts for years or decades simply the side effect of biochemistry. Or maybe you would, I don't know. Also, if you haven't noticed, I'm not a scientist - so sue me.

I don't think this in general but I do think that of some specific parents. I'm adopted and my dad loves me very much but my mom doesn't and never did. She loves my brother and he's her biological son. I think some people just aren't capable of love or are very limited in who/what they can love.

na

that makes me unspeakably sad

AYRT
Don't be sad! It really isn't anywhere near as upsetting as the bare bones description makes it sound. I have a wonderful life full of wonderful people. I'd have loved things to be different when I was a kid, but as an adult I really don't have any complaints.

I mean, if they love you nonetheless then I don't see the problem? Did you mean you want to have a closer relationship with them?

I wasn't even talking about my parent. Just most. I don't get other people's relationships with their kids.

SA

I see. Parenting's hard, and I think some parents, I wouldn't say resent, but tire of it sometimes. It's a huge sacrifice of their time, energy, and they probably had to give up a lot of things they enjoyed to raise their kids. So it's not lovey dovey all the time. It's not about how they feel about the kid though, it's what they do for them. Parents give up a lot and I think that's how most of them love their kids.

I think it depends on the people. Sometimes family members, parents and children included, just don't have a lot in common or get along all that well. There's no guarantee that family members are going to have a strong connection to each other. A lot of parents do have an instinctual drive to love and protect their children, which is probably why many parents want to keep giving their children a chance even if those kids aren't nice or do bad things.

But then, you also have parents who don't feel that sort of bond, or who are quick to cut their children off emotionally if they don't live up to a particular standard.

But I also think there are a lot of people who do have strong relationships with their parents that are based both on familial connections and things like mutual respect and shared values or personality traits.

I don't feel capable of judging if "most" people fit into one category.

This.

I love my family so much, almost mindlessly. Especially as the oldest of 6 children, some still kids. I love and want to protect my siblings!

But emotional connection? None of us have much in common and we grew up together so we have stronger emotional connections in our friends. Family get togethers are always a touch awkward and stilted.

I generally describe it as loving my family, but not like-liking them.

I think parental love is about what you do more than how you feel. Does it matter where the feeling comes from?
Do you mean parents who don't seem to have much of an emotional connection with their kids? Because I know people like that but I still think their parents would still do almost anything for them.

If it is solely biochemical - does that make it any less real or meaningful for the parents and the children?

Speaking from my own experience, it just makes it...less. Like, it lacks something. My mom did a lot for me, but because there was no real connection outside of the parent-child relationship...there was really not much there at all. Once I was an adult, she had no qualms about kicking me out for petty reasons and generally being unsupportive. It always felt like she did things out of obligation rather than out of any true care for me. I mean, there's a very real possibility that she has some mental issues of her own that made it difficult for her, but there are other people who've had similar experiences - their parents weren't abusive or neglectful, but it just wasn't a substantial relationship.

Biochemistry only gets you so much.

Echoing: I don't think that's all parents, but probably some.

If it's just biochemistry, though, I don't know if it really qualifies for the "love" descriptor.

Having read the other comments in this thread, it sounds like the type of parenting you're talking about seems to be people going through the motions of raising a child without actually engaging emotionally with them. Which to me sounds more like the result of social conditioning/ conforming to the expectations of what society expects of someone who has a child rather than any longlasting biochemical reaction. But that's kind of petty semantics in this context.

Anyway, I am lucky to say that I've never run into any such parenting myself - the bad parenting I've been acquainted from that approaches this has been the result of mental issues on the part of the parent (not talking about mine, btw). I also think it's very possible to deeply love your child and also be abusive towards them. So, um, yeah? Sorry for the word voomit x2, OP.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2253 ]

Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.

Re: Sometimes I feel like most parents only love their children because of biochemistry.