fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2254 ]

[ SECRET POST #2254 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2254 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[family guy (?), warning for cartoon rape]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 058 secrets from Secret Submission Post #322.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm so angry right now, I'm in tears. It's been years since I've been this way.

I was talking about how difficult it would be for me to attend a college that wasn't in the town I live in right now. One of the things I mentioned was how I refuse to live with a roommate or a dorm mate because I am sick to death of strangers after years of foster care.

And he's lived with his mommy and brother his whole fucking life and had a cushy household with everything handed to him and he just fucking LAUGHS and thinks it's so fucking adorable that I'm just so anxious over new people!

And I just can't believe what a condescending dickhead he is sometimes. He just CANNOT understand any point of view that is not his own. He knows I spent years in foster care being abused, emotionally and/or physically. I am sick to death of people and strangers and I have learned a hard fucking lesson that strangers are not your friends. It's not some warped world view that was beat into me, it was something I learned to keep me safe.

And I'm sorry if this sounds all melodramatic, but I am so fucking pissed that someone who has NEVER had to deal with a person he didn't want to deal with in any meaningful sense is presuming to find my REAL LEARNED EXPERIENCED issues just so fucking cute.

And you know what, that condescending makes me too ashamed to tell him that I don't want to live with people because I'm scared of them and I don't want to be forced to deal with it because I'm scared of the ways people will try and manipulate and cow you if they can. Because I feel if I tell him that he'll just dismiss the rational parts as just being some sort of warped issue. And fuck him for not understanding that anyway, for laughing at my fears because they're not real to him like they're real to me.

Is this person a friend? Boyfriend? He sounds like a real ass. There is nothing cute about fears stemming from abuse. Nothing. And you are not wrong to be pissed off at this person for treating it like that. If he's your friend, I'd suggest dropping his ass. If he's your SO, I'd have a talk with him about how fucking uncaring he was to your past/emotions.

I'm sorry, I didn't read over the rant before I posted it and I didn't realize how fragmented it sounded. He's my boyfriend, and I love him, and usually he's very sensitive and understanding of these things. I'm just very torn over this because on the one hand

He might be thinking I'm just making excuses because college is scary

He might be thinking that by playing my fears lightly he'll help me get over them (and sometimes this does help with other things)

but on the other

He just never gets worldviews he hasn't experienced. He doesn't understand the sort of mentalities that come with being poor and on your own, he doesn't understand that getting through life isn't just about grabbing the things you want. He just thinks it is because his money and upbringing have allowed that to happen.

He is actually very understanding and sensitive THAT I'm sensitive, he just doesn't understand my fears. A lot of them are sort of unfounded and I know that and I know I should work past them, but sometimes we come to a point where I think the things I've learned are rational and fair and he doesn't get them because he's had a cushy life and he thinks I'm paranoid and my worldview is warped by abuse and his ease of life has given him clarity of mind or whatever. Just makes me want to tear my hear out.

Thank you for reading that. It made me feel better. :)

I agree, OP, and it really sucks to have your experiences laughed at, especially when they involve things like foster care which've made a deep impact on your life. But yeah, as someone who comes from an affluent background and used to be really awful at empathy (and hey, I'm still working on it at 20) because I just had no idea how the world worked, I'm going to go with second anon and say that from your description of him in your second comment, it was just an honest moment of him not thinking. As opposed to him being an overtly malicious arsehole all of the time, which would be a totally different kettle of fish.

I'm not saying your rant wasn't justified or your feelings weren't valid; you have every right to be upset. If telling him he upset you doesn't work, try asking him how he would feel if, say, you made fun of (insert something equally formative here). That always brings me down a peg.

I understand why you're upset, don't blame you at all for it, and I am so very sorry that you had to go through foster care, but from the sound of it, he don't realize how much of jerk he's being and isn't trying to be one. He really just doesn't know. That doesn't excuse him from being a jerkface, but it helps to deal with people when you can why they act a certain way.

I don't know what you've told him, but maybe try being direct with how you feel? Like, "Hey, it's really upsetting when you talk about my experiences in foster care in that way. Will you stop?"

I'm so glad you're not just saying break up with him immediately. Whenever I read people talking about issues in their relationship, that's such a quick thing other people jump up on, and I didn't really want to have to sound like a weirdo who was defending her boyfriend's sweet honor one second and then ripping out his entrails the other.

And I'm not sure how effective that would be. I mean, I said directly that he doesn't understand how I feel because he's never experienced it...but I suppose you're right that I don't say it's upsetting me. I dunno, I guess I just felt like it was obvious. Or should be obvious, based upon how upset I was getting and all. But then maybe it does make a difference.

Thank you again for not tearing out his throat immediately. I'm mad at him, and I certainly don't want to have to go about defending him. ;)

Yeah, it's a given that all relationships will have rough patches and there's some situations where it's best just to drop the relationship, but I think, in your case (and most cases, actually), that you should at least try addressing the problem you're having first. Relationships are an effort on both sides, after all.

And some people don't pick up on subtly well and really need to have things directly explained to them. I think you should give it a shot, because it can make a huge difference.

But, yeah, good luck and I hope everything goes well for you, anon! :)

SA

And the anon below me has a really good point, he might see that you're upset but not understand why, too. I know I've done that to a friend on phobia and felt absolutely awful afterwards when she told me. But, it's something that I needed to know and I'm really glad she told me.

da

speaking from observing other people, sometimes they do get the impression that you are upset, but have difficulty figuring out what exactly made you upset, especially if the topic is a non-issue for them

so, yeah, definitely bring this up with him! honestly, how he reacts to a direct "this is genuinely hurting me, please don't do it" would be waaay more indicative of his character than being careless with words

Ouch, OP. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I hope you can talk it out and feel better.

I don't have the same issues at you but I empathize with this comment so much it hurts a little. I'm just really grateful to know that I'm not the only one who chokes with rage when someone who has led a cushioned privileged life teases me or tells me I'm too paranoid, shouldn't let my past affect my future, that I should have faith in people, or "let go and let god" instead of taking steps I know from PAST EXPERIENCE work to protect myself. These people have never experienced anything like I have and they think they live in the real world and I'm in some defensive state I have to mature out of to be a real person like them! It's like they think awful things don't happen to real~ people and life is a goddamn movie.

I'm not missing out on life. I'm surviving the way you have to when you aren't lucky enough to be born into the exceedingly rare circumstances they have been and then managed to remain unaffacted by all the awful shit lurking out there.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not a miserable wreck. I just don't "carpe diem" all the fuck time.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Some people are insensitive. A lot of people are cruel. I don't know what it's like to be abused and I come from a loving household, so maybe I have no right to say anything to you, but for what it's worth, I hope you do find some people you can trust one day. Not all strangers are bad, but I don't blame you in the least for distrusting most. Some human beings act just like animals.

Again, I feel for you and understand that some people just suck ass.

As a fellow foster child I just want to say hi and it gets better! Though I've been pretty lucky so whom am I to know?

Do what you feel is right for you, and don't ever let people judge you for the damage adults gave you, it is and never was your fault.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2254 ]

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