fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2280 ]

[ SECRET POST #2280 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2280 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 080 secrets from Secret Submission Post #326.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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A friend badgered me into inviting her again. Last time I had her at home it already went badly. Oh what a bad friend was I to let her sleep in a makeshift bed in the living room instead of letting her share my own bed! So this time even if I was very reluctant to, I caved. I shouldn't have.

Of course she hogged all the covers. She started spreading and taking all the space. She snores badly. In the end I had to flee and sleep in the living room myself. And when, in the morning, I politely asked whether she was aware of her snoring, because it could be a symptom of poor health, what with sleep apneas and the like, and she laughed it off because, yes she knew but she was very fine so it didn't matter the least. What? Disturbing bedmates? Warning bedmates beforehand so they could could get earplugs? ~Why~ would she care? Not her problem!

After taking a shower she let her fucking wet bath-towel laying crumpled on the bathroom floor.
She didn't care to make the bed she was the only one to have slept in, either. The bedcovers laid open and crumpled almost all day. Until we sat in my room for a chat, then she laid in my bed again, in the middle of the day. Not sat on, not laid on, no: in; she laid under the covers. And not to have a nap; she just wanted to put herself so very at ease to have this friendly chat. Well, the chat was not that much friendly on my side at this point.

Seriously. I'm cripplingly shy and I have very little experience in normal social interaction and next to none in sleep-over behaviours, but somehow, I don't think I'm over-reacting when I find that she was plain rude to me. I know I ~never~ told her to make herself at home. Maybe ~she~ thinks I was the one to be rude to her because of that. I don't know.
But next time she asks, remind me to tell her to just fuck off. I'll rather be left alone than have more 'friendly' times like this one.

You should probably dump her. I think it would be better for both of you.

You should probably talk to your friend about this, since she actually might not be aware she's doing things that bother you. Insisting that she sleep in your bed and not in the living room is rather rude, but it's probably something that she personally wouldn't have an issue with or has never had anyone else take issue with in the past, so she never stopped to think that it would bug you. People have different levels of comfort when it comes to their space and possessions, too. Just sit her down and let her know that you're not cool with her intruding into spaces without asking first. It's something that may seem like common sense, but it's not for everyone?

Well, my best friend spends the night all the time, and the first few times she bothered me in much the same way. Once I went to the bathroom, and when I came out she was using my laptop, which is kind of a BIIIIG deal for me.

But once we got closer, she figured out what bothers me and what doesn't. Like, I never make my bed, so that's not a big deal, but using my computer is a huge no. Also, we both sleep like logs, so snoring doesn't bother either of us. She hogs the covers and the bed, but when it bothers me I just shove her over, lol. I do stuff that bothers her, but one of the nice things about friends is that we put up with stuff in each other that would bother you in others.

I will ask why it was so horrible for her to get in your bed when she had already slept in it the night before?

Some people are very particular about their beds and getting under the covers wearing normal clothes that might have dirt / crumbs / pet hair / etc that may get crap in the sheets. I'm super sensitive about my bed and hardly ever get in it myself during the day, if I do then rarely in the shirt I've been wearing out and about, let alone a pair of jeans that have probably been dragging on the ground. I would super cringe if someone else got in my bed wearing that.

Dunno about OP, but I'm just very particular over my bed. I don't even let pets on it, it's /my/ bed and it's for sleeping only. I've had people sleep in it, but someone getting into it during the day will really get my hackles up.

just sounds to me like you two have very different expectations of life in general (seriously, most of the shit you are complaining about wouldn't even strike me as something to be annoyed about) and have shitty communication. You especially. If something bugs you it is on you to voice that and stick to your guns. If you didn't do that, then you don't really got room to complain.

Dump her. She's not a friend, she's a user. You don't need that.

Wow, no, this person sucks. Dunno why some comments are trying to make it like you're somehow in the wrong here, 'cause you're not. It's *very* rude to insist on sleeping in SOMEONE'S BED if they don't want that. I would *never* let anyone else sleep in my bed.

It's *very* rude to leave your wet towel on the floor, it's *very* rude to crawl under the covers in your street clothes just for funsies. Sheesh. Don't invite her again, and if she asks why, say why. If she acts like you're overreacting - you're not. A friend's house is not a hotel, and 'making yourself at home' doesn't mean 'dropping all manners'.

I wondering if the people telling the OP they've done something wrong are the same people who would act much like the OP's friend - acting how they please until somebody tells them not to. "Make yourself at home" isn't actually an invitation to act like you do or would in your own home; it's just a short, polite way of indicating that the host doesn't expect anything special of the guest beyond common courtesy. There is such a thing as being a poor houseguest, and the OP's friend is definitely it.

This exactly.

No... it literally means to make yourself at home.

You don't want them to, DON'T FUCKING SAY IT.

When you change a word to not mean what it's supposed to mean it's on you.

When I tell people to make themselves at home in my house, I literately mean do whatever you do at home*.

I will tell you where to put your laundry and ask you to please do something if it is something I want to be done a specific way or just silently do it. I also give up my bed and sleep on the sofa when I have guests over.

I guess people are different and expect different things from house guests, but this is how I is used to doing it when I have guests over, and have for my whole life. And after having a friend over for a week where I have cleaned up after both of us and put up with some things done in a way I don't usually do them, I've also slept on the sofa for the whole week (and my sofa is tiny), but she is my guest I told her she could stay in my home and that means making some sacrifices.

*Off course normal politeness is something I expect, but that is something I expect of everyone at all times so.

And obviously there's nothing wrong with laying down some rules.

But you can't say "do what you want" and be surprised if they do! And if they are rude, well, reign that shit in! It's your place. You are allowed.

Course, but you have to make those rules, not complain that someone broke them without being told about them. As someone whom have lived with 4 different families (not counting the people I've lived with after moving out on my own) I know that most people do things differently. And what some might consider rude is normal in another household.

It might be an ESL thing, but isn't telling something you do to children, your students and such and asking what you do to your equals? Because translated directly to Norwegian I ask my friends to do something and tell my younger siblings to do things?

esl too

from what i understand, "asking" tends to be on a more polite register, so yeah, it would be with equals or superiors (and children you are not looking after, I think?), while "telling to do" is what you would to someone you expect to be subordinate to you (like children you are looking after?) or a friend you know wouldn't be offended

'No' to your whole first sentence.

Did people actually say that the OP did something wrong? I only saw comments pointing out that OP should talk to their guest, which is sound advice. I've been raised to give guests a certain leeway, and nothing the OP mentioned would be outside of that, unless OP asked them not to behave like that and they ignored it.

I don't begrudge OP getting annoyed and letting off steam by complaining here, but I don't think that their friend is a poor houseguest just on what OP mentioned. Their friend could have reasons to behave that way (leaving the towel on the floor so there can't be any mix up in case OP doesn't like using towels that others have used) or presume that they are close enough friends to behave like that. And I would never presume or ask to sleep in a host's bed, always make up the covers no matter where I sleep, dry the sink in the bathroom after I used it and always ask where to put used towels.

Learn to say no. If you don't want her over, it's probably best to not invite her in the first place. If you don't want anyone sleeping in your bed, just say that. It's your house and if you don't want people doing certain things or acting in a certain way you need to voice that.

Leaving the wet bath-towel on the floor and asking to sleep in your bed does seem a bit rude, but maybe she doesn't understand why those things might not sit right with you. Again, if you want her to pick up after herself you might just have to ask her to.

It doesn't really sound like this is a relationship worth salvaging.

Most of this wouldn't really bother me though? The way you phrased the bedcovers thing makes it sound like you think this is common sense- it's not. I don't make my bed, and I couldn't care less if other people nest in it, but I had a good friend who was fanatical about it so I understand. Your friend is being rude, but they most likely have no idea, or have assumed that you guys have similar comfort levels because you've never mentioned anything. This is not a criticism of you at all. There are no shortage of thoughtful people who have similar personal boundaries to you and you might as well focus on being friends with them. I just have sympathy for your friend because I know from experience that when nobody ever tells you these things you don't know... I would kick them out of my house based on the bed sharing thing. But I would have sympathy for them.

sorry for tl;dr, but I often feel like a robot trying to figure out human social behaviour. Writing as if everything is obvious makes me sad.

Are you the same person who complained about your friend wanting to walk everywhere and who slurped hot chocolate during the summer?

Because, seriously, if you hate this girl so much then stop hanging out with her. Obviously you are having no fun with her.

Uh...that sounds like something me and my bestie do. And neither one of us sees that as bad. Though, then again, we BOTH hang our towels up, but everything else? We both do.

People are different, I suppose, but these behaviors wouldn't be something I'd get bent out of shape over, so...I have nothing to say to help.

Sorry, OP.

And people saying to dump her? That's really harsh.

And people saying to dump her? That's really harsh.

Not really. It's pretty obvious that it's a toxic friendship. If OP doesn't do anything about it the girl is just gonna continue to walk all over them.

NAYRT - I wouldn't qualify what the OP described as toxic. Her friend's behaviour is a bit thoughtless, yes, but OP doesn't seem to have actually asked her not to do those things or laid down ground rules in her house. If she did and her friend continued to do things she'd been asked not to do, yeah, that would be taking advantage of her hospitality.

This. It's why I'm so baffled at the naysayers.

I'm lucky, I've got housemates. So I tend to use them as an excuse to go "no sorry you can't sleep over"

Well, used to. One of them moved out so we've got a spare room with a sofa for people to sleep on. Still not overjoyed to have people asking to crash at my place, especially since I'm working every day. We've all got jobs! Go hire a backpackers or hotel.

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[ SECRET POST #2280 ]

Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.

Re: Make yourself at home! ...or wait, on a second thought, please don't.