[ SECRET POST #2286 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2286 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 100 secrets from Secret Submission Post #327.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

14. http://i48.tinypic.com/10p6n10.jpg

[chardmonster]

...what's the trigger?

Are you sure you're using that term correctly?

[(Anonymous)]

I have a feeling you are not using "trigger" correctly.

[(Anonymous)]

How are you going to know that. It is perfectly possible that this friend has a behaviour, often says things or has attitudes that give OP panic attacks or make them have flashbacks.

This is something fandom desperately needs to learn that the "common triggers" that everyone demands for as warnings are not the only ones in existence and especially NOT THE ONLY VALID ONES. Different people can have different triggers and they're not always going to be rape, violence, discrimination of various kinds, self-harm, mental disorders, eating disorders, abuse and so on.

That does not make them any less real or valid. Learn. That.

[(Anonymous)]

You're adorable.

[dazzledfirestar]

And a lot of fandom needs to learn that something that makes you go "Ew that's gross!" and hit the back button is not a trigger.

There are two sides to this.

[(Anonymous)]

Whoops de oops. A friend of mine whom I loved dearly suddenly stopped talking to me a couple of weeks ago, just after I came out as autistic and depressive. If dealing with non-neurotypical people truly takes such a toll on some others people's sanity they'd rather dump them rather than keep dealing with them, then this secret could be about me. WHY HELLO THAR PARANOIA.

[chardmonster]

Yeah, that's pretty blatant projecting.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think they even noticed, but I've dropped people for talking about their autistic siblings. In my case, though, it's about having to deal with neurotypical people, rather than the reverse, and about my own rocky relationship with my sister.

/sorry for the tangent, just wanted to get that off my back

[insanenoodlyguy]

I'm sure it has nothing to do with your oh-so-pretty chip on that shoulder there.

[(Anonymous)]

Were you previously concealing your symptoms? Because if depressive/ASD symptoms didn't scare them away, I don't see why the labels should.

[ex_paola492]

Just tell her, man. If she's your friend, they you should be able to work through this together.

[eaten_by_bears]

I think this really depends on what it is. If it's a turn of phrase she uses a lot, or a hobby she could choose to discuss with OP or not discuss, then they can have that talk. If it's something about who she is, that's not going to be very productive.

[visp]

Just say "hey, could you not do/say X around me? It makes me uncomfortable."

[silverr]

The only time I've ever come across this sort of thing in a (I hesitate to say "legit" but can't think of a better word) ... was a Rubenesque fandom friend of mine - call her Z - who met up IRL with a fan - call her N - who, as it happened, was severely anorexic. ~ After this meeting, the fannish friendship cooled completely from N's side: it wasn't until almost 2 years later than Z found out that it was because N just couldn't bear to be physically near her. (The body image distortion that drove N to see herself as "fat" even when she was nearly skeletal apparently applied to other people as well.) ~ N couldn't even being herself to talk to Z on-line because, as she admitted later, she couldn't get the image of Z's "grotesquely obese" body out of her head.

Sad but true.

[(Anonymous)]

I've been in the opposite situation--skinny person dumped by bigger people because they couldn't bear to look at an "anorexic" one without feeling judged.
(Actually, I'm not, never was and hopefully never will be anorexic. I confess I'm bordering on orthorexic now, but wasn't then. And I never judged them. But I do feel sad for them, if they're so insecure.)

Yeah, yeah, "thin privilege" and all. I know. Still: that sucks for everyone.

[(Anonymous)]

It took me longer than it should have to realize by "rubenesque" you meant "my overweight friend" and not specifying she was a friend from a fandom with that word as the title of the book/show/whatever.

[(Anonymous)]

I guess I'm in the minority here because I think I understand what you mean. I was in a situation with someone a few years ago where their lifestyle was a trigger for me. That fandom is gone now but lots of us still keep in touch and some of my friends are still friends with her, so we run into each other online sometimes and once at a meet-up. It's always very uncomfortable for me and has gotten to the point where it's pushing me away from most of our mutual friends the same as it pushed me away from her.

[eaten_by_bears]

I'm trying to imagine what this could be. Does she look like your abuser or something?

Whatever it is, I hear CBT is a good place to start for desensitizing yourself to triggers. Good luck.

[(Anonymous)]

I think I've been on both sides of this. I cut, and I have a close friend who can't hear about it a lot of the time. It hurts, and it feels lonely, but we've worked around it for the most part.

I also have a friend who, while very sweet in some ways, reminds me inescapably of someone very, very bad from my past. I can talk to her, but I can't read her stories, and I absolutely can't read about her interacting with her children. Eventually, I dealt with this by asking her to tag things. When she wouldn't, I unfriended her on that platform. She was upset, but well, she can deal with that. We're still friends on another platform, and when she upsets me, I remind myself that I am allowed to cut contact with her if I want to, and I'm allowed to wait out the discomfort for the sake of her friendship if I want to too. I have considered leaving the fandom because of her more than once, but it helps to remind myself that I have options.

[(Anonymous)]

I can sort of relate to that. I feel uneasy around people with my step-father's name and/or body shape. I know it's unfair, and it's not their fault, but I can't help it.

[(Anonymous)]

I can't look at a Tom Selleck-type mustache for the same reason. If someone used him as an avatar, I would literally not be able to talk to them through panicky tears.

That is exactly as embarrassing in public as you think.

I also get triggered by the smell of toothpaste, and anything about dentristy/teeth brushing makes me extremely uncomfortable.* One of my best fandom friends is going to school to be a dentist and I absolutely cannot handle hearing about most of her classes. It sucks, because I feel like a shitty friend, but if we are to stay friends, I need to draw that line.

*There was an incident involving my Tom Selleck-style mustachioed father and it ended with me having full dentures. So at least I don't have to try to brush my teeth.

[forgottenjester]

Your secret makes me feel conflicted. If you really are triggered by whatever that sucks. Maybe you can talk to her about it or something. If you just can't deal with it even after talking with her maybe you two should just go your separate ways? Your comfort/happiness matter and so do hers. You sound like you're just hurting both of you right now by avoiding it.

However, another part of me feels like she told you something about herself that you don't approve of and you're judging her for it. But feel bad for being judgy and you think your opinion is a trigger instead of a deep-seated 'uncomfortableness'. I think it's because of the weird tone I read into this secret. This is probably me just looking too far into it though.

[(Anonymous)]

My friend's username has a word that's triggering for me. I just try to do "grounding" techniques when I see it, but I don't know if the same would work for you.

[(Anonymous)]

I am legitimately unsure if it would work for a username, but you could maybe try ponify? It's an internet thing that is basically a "search + replace" for various websites.