fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2296 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2296 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #328.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hmm let's see. I know I'm not the person the OP is talking about (the age is wrong, I'm not still in school, and I've had several jobs) but...

1. Are you sure this is why she's failing or just the 'easy' reason. I say this because I often hid issue I was having at uni behind "ohh haha I stayed up too late because of fandom" because it was less shameful and less scary than saying I would have have panic attacks in my car and was convinced that everyone in my classes was always whispering about me. And saying I didn't have a paper 'done' felt less fucked up than saying "I finished the paper days ago but I'm sure it's terrible and I will make me fail so I just won't submit it'. And holy shit it took a lot of time and therapy before I could talking to people about the real reasons I went from Dean's List to failing most of my classes.

2. A lot of applications are done completely online and many places do not even have paper applications anymore. Plus so many people find jobs through monster.com and other places than by the old fashioned 'dropping off your resume in person' route. Are you sure they aren't filling out applications online and not telling you because they are embarrassed they never get interviews?

3. Where are they supposed to go to find these mystical RL friends? Bars? Clubs? "Getting out more" doesn't mean someone is going to find friends that share interests with them. And if they are 30, then actives at their school are going to have manly young 20s at them and that might be off-putting.

And believe it or not some people are not capable of 'getting their shit together' without a lot of help, support, therapy, and medication.

If you care about this person, have a serious, BUT KIND, conversation with them. Bring up your concerns without shaming or being accusatory.

But if there is nothing wrong with out not being able to handle this person anymore, because you also have to take care of yourself. Support them and help them if you can, but don't feel guilty if you have to tell them "I love you, but I can't help you any longer".

Gawd, all of this.

I used to downplay my problems at school, because "not caring" somehow seemed better that having extreme fear of failure, and not being able to sleep/literally shitting myself before exams.

I apply for jobs almost strictly online or by phone nowadays, most companies even prefer that. On the outside, it seems I'm not doing much, but I send my CV to several companies every week.

As for getting friends, it's difficult. I mean, sure I meet people - but at 30 and beyond, a lot of people are buying houses, getting marred, having babies - and it's not that you can't be friends with them, but they often have little time, or their interests clash with those not in that life phase.I honestly only made ONE real new friend since leaving college. You can meet people, but that doesn't mean you'll be friends - let alone unconditional ones through thick and thin!

Da. This is probably why the internet is such a huge draw to have people to talk to, you already pretty much know of at least one interest that person has, and if you're having a crap time in life there is the added benefit of not having to talk about real life and just talk about fandom.

Like hell I had a rough time when I graduated undergrad, almost all my friends moved away, I didn't have a job so I had no money to go out, even when I did go out it's like what do you talk about? The problem with interacting in reality is most people's first questions are about what you're doing right now, and if you're not in school or work the conversation gets quiet pretty quickly.

Sometimes it's more depressing going out then staying in all the time. The only thing that really fixed my problem was going to grad school but not everyone has that option.

I made it through uni without having slept before a single fucking exam, because I just couldn't. So yes, my grades were worse because I didn't sleep before exams. And I sure as fuck played games late into the night or watched TV. But then again, slowly working myself up to a full blown panic attack or trying to last minute cram and unseating whatever actual preperation I'd made would have been a horrible idea compared to trying to get myself into a calm mindset if I wasn't gonna be rested.

Going out actively seeking friends usually also doesn't make for very great long-time friends. All of the friends I have had for a long time are those I met by accident, not because I went out thinking "Today I'mma gonna catch me some new friends!".

I don't know that it's broadly true. I have a couple of very close friends I met because I went out with the intent to meet new people. I learned to knit and joined a knitting group, and while I haven't gone in 2 years, I still hang out with a few people at least once a month, and one person at least once a week. I also took up cycling for fitness and joined a local club, and see them every weekend or every other weekend, plus some interaction via facebook and twitter. (Cooking classes, ice skating and tennis lesson, however, did not yield long lasting friendships.)

1. Pretty sure, yes. I know because those are the nights she live tweets about watching one episode after another until 7am followed by tweets about how screwed she is because she has to hand in that paper that day. Maybe she's afraid she's going to fail and that's why she stays up all night to have an excuse if she does. But from what I can tell, she isn't even trying.

2. You could be right about that. However, I used to live in the same town and I've had numerous jobs there and I got all of them by just stopping by and asking if they needed any help. Mostly even without having to drop of a resume. I mentioned this in a reply further up but when I moved away, I had to quit my job (typical student job as a cashier in a store and okay-paid). When my boss told me that he would have to replace me, I told him I had a friend who was looking for a job. He said to bring her along for one of my shifts and if she did okay she could have the job. I was really excited for her but when I told her about it, she made some lame excuses and never showed. And then still kept on complaing.

3. We used to take a few classes together (we met at school and became friends through fandom, then I moved away) so I know her in RL. I would invite her over to my place when I had friends coming over to have dinner and watch a film or something but she never accepted. She also hardly ever showed up for study group and when she did, she wouldn't tag along if we went for a cup of coffee afterwards. "Getting out more" to me doesn't mean bars or clubs. I literally meant just leaving the house every now and then. You know, show up for classes etc. because wherelse are you going to meet people in RL? I have met most of my friends in school or at work, some just randomly and yes, I also have friends online.

I just wish we'd still live in the same town because I hate to have serious conversations on the phone. I'd feel a lot better if I could do it in person.

Thank you for your reply.

I hope you never find yourself in the situation to really, really understand how fucked up what you're saying is.

Do yourself and this girl a favour and get out of her life.

Not OP but very confused by this comment, would you mind elaborating?

I don't get it? How is helping her to find a job and inviting her to a movie fucked up?

Yeah, also colour me confused. I don't think the OP did anything wrong.

IKR? Evidently, you must never expect anything of your depressed friends ever, and if your patience ever wears thin, you are a horrible person.

[ SECRET POST #2296 ]

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