[ SECRET POST #2296 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2296 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #328.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

08. http://i.imgur.com/qZRy1LN.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

[(Anonymous)]

Change 30 to 40 and then I know the person this is about.

[(Anonymous)]

I've been in a situation similar to your friend's for awhile now, and at some point I realized that the way I was behaving was driving my friends away from me.

I did try to change, but unfortunately, changing your life and deeply ingrained habits takes a tremendous amount of ambition and effort. Hopefully your friend can get her head on straight more successfully than I've been able to so far.

[(Anonymous)]

For what it's worth, there's no deadline or speed-challenge involved with changing your life habits. Take your time, accept your failures, and realize that there's plenty of time to pick yourself back up again.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I've been working to eat healthier, be more active, and be more social. All of these things have taken /well/ over a year and I'm barely halfway there. The nice thing is that I can still see my progress despite all the set backs I've had.

Just keep it up, and don't let yourself get discouraged. You have plenty of time :)

[(Anonymous)]

Your friend sounds really depressed and you sound kind of cold.

Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

I can see where OP might come off as being cold, but I didn't notice it until you said something because I know someone like the person the secret is about and I unconsciously filled in details about that person that don't necessarily apply here. In my case, it's a matter of giving up on the person. I can't keep trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'm powerless to do anything about their constant negativity and I can't bail them out of every mess they get themselves into, no matter how much part of me wants to because I genuinely care for the person. They have long since reached the point where they have to face the consequences of their actions. I can offer advice to hep them make better decisions and have done so, as have many others. But they always choose to do the thing that the know is the worst course of action and then whine when everything goes to shit. And I just can't be bothered to listen to the whining anymore. I even think sometimes that if less people listened to the whining, the person might start acting like an adult.

[(Anonymous)]

I really hate all those "necessary but not sufficient" conditions. :-P

[insanenoodlyguy]

The problem is, we aren't the ones that need to hear it.

[shahrizai]

Oh, fandom. And you wonder why everyone makes fun of us?

I'm so happy my fandom dysfunctions were caused by me being a typical teenager - they went away when I grew up.

[(Anonymous)]

wow, great friend you are

[kallanda_lee]

While you have a point in there, you're also a bit of a dick. I do not know how well you know this woman, but if it's just an internet friend in fandom, you might not know the exact details of her situation.

Also as someone in that age range, who's been unemployed for a year: I find it really annoying when people go about telling me how easy it is to get a job. It isn't. Jobs in my field are scarce, and often jobs for low-schooled people won't hire me because they realize I'm just doing it for the money and would leave if there are better opportunities.

Honestly, the way you describe your friend, they might be depressed (self-destructive behavior, not finding a job, not meeting new people), and your judgement is rather assholish.

[(Anonymous)]

If you've tried to help, and they won't hear it, then let go and distance yourself a little. It'll be better for you, better for your friendship, and maybe she won't like it but I don't think it's best for her to have a friend constantly rolling their eyes at her and making passive aggressive secrets about them either.

Like I can see both sides to this, I have definitely had friends where I just had to give up because I couldn't be their therapist, but I also have my own troubles and I try not to put that on other people. Like if I'm complaining at all, I don't think people realize how much worse it is then I'm saying.

You don't know everything about this woman, so maybe take a step back with all the judgements. And this is my advice for a lot of people in this thread; be careful about how you judge other people's lives. I'm not saying you need to help everyone or coddle anyone, but be understanding enough to let it go sometimes.

[(Anonymous)]

Hmm let's see. I know I'm not the person the OP is talking about (the age is wrong, I'm not still in school, and I've had several jobs) but...

1. Are you sure this is why she's failing or just the 'easy' reason. I say this because I often hid issue I was having at uni behind "ohh haha I stayed up too late because of fandom" because it was less shameful and less scary than saying I would have have panic attacks in my car and was convinced that everyone in my classes was always whispering about me. And saying I didn't have a paper 'done' felt less fucked up than saying "I finished the paper days ago but I'm sure it's terrible and I will make me fail so I just won't submit it'. And holy shit it took a lot of time and therapy before I could talking to people about the real reasons I went from Dean's List to failing most of my classes.

2. A lot of applications are done completely online and many places do not even have paper applications anymore. Plus so many people find jobs through monster.com and other places than by the old fashioned 'dropping off your resume in person' route. Are you sure they aren't filling out applications online and not telling you because they are embarrassed they never get interviews?

3. Where are they supposed to go to find these mystical RL friends? Bars? Clubs? "Getting out more" doesn't mean someone is going to find friends that share interests with them. And if they are 30, then actives at their school are going to have manly young 20s at them and that might be off-putting.

And believe it or not some people are not capable of 'getting their shit together' without a lot of help, support, therapy, and medication.

If you care about this person, have a serious, BUT KIND, conversation with them. Bring up your concerns without shaming or being accusatory.

But if there is nothing wrong with out not being able to handle this person anymore, because you also have to take care of yourself. Support them and help them if you can, but don't feel guilty if you have to tell them "I love you, but I can't help you any longer".

[(Anonymous)]

Okay. So I'm not quite 30 but this could pretty much describe me. And it's freaking depressing. Trust me. I want to get out and get a job and do stuff but because I don't have a job I can't really go out and "meet" people. Plus, where do you meet people anyway? At bars? I don't really dig drinking. And around here there's only malls and movie theaters. As for jobs I've applied countless places and they either want experience or a higher degree…hence the additional school work. So while I understand what you're saying (because I have a friend like this also) I also understand what could be going on in your friend's life. Have you tried talking to him/her about it? Maybe offer to look over the cv or edit some of the paper if you have time? This way you can prompt them to actually get out of their rut without outright saying they're in one. :/

[(Anonymous)]

Besides a Hufflepuff background what does this have to do with Fandom?

[(Anonymous)]

What does this have to do with fandom? You're supposed to post about fictional characters we might care about, not your PA comments to your "friends".

[writerserenyty]

I have a friend in his 20s offline like this. Simply put, he puts zero effort. The only reason he's roommates with the people he's with are because they put in the effort to getting their apartment, and one of them in particular really puts a lot of effort into her friendship with him. He dropped out of college because he didn't care to go on. He has a poorly paying job that barely covers expenses, let alone the debt. He even knowingly gave himself salmonella poisoning by eating clearly undercooked chicken. I like him as a friend and he's fun, but I've honestly stopped putting effort into being his friend because he puts in zero on his end. I worry about him sometimes, because he's eventually going to have to step up.

[unreliable_narrator]

I am very close to someone like this. He's made progress, and he's close to seeking the help he needs, but I can feel myself pulling away from him. I want out, but leaving would undo all the work I've done and leave him worse than he was when I found him.

[(Anonymous)]

I hung out with a guy in a similar position for a few years. Same eternal student situation, with an accompanying pile of student loans. I don't think I ever saw him on a single occasion without hearing about his job woes.

At the start, I tried to be helpful; suggesting entry-level positions or even volunteering in his chosen field to get his foot in the door. Or just going out and doing something so there wouldn't be a huge resume gap. He refused to consider anything that was 'too boring', involved customer service, or was 'beneath him'.

I was his only friend (which annoyed him as I wasn't available for outings as often as he'd have liked,) but he's very actively unpleasant to people. (Me included, but I'm a born doormat, so it was a good fit.)

I'd pared it down to sympathetic murmurs by the time we stopped seeing each other for other reasons.

[(Anonymous)]

who the fuck is enabling this person?

30 and never had a job before?!! uh what the hell.

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe encourage her to seek some therapy, if she isn't already? It's normal to get stuck in a rut sometimes, but she might need some help if she can't seem to get out of it on her own.

[(Anonymous)]

How is this fandom related

Do we make obscure secrets and get a pass for putting the word "fandom" in now?

[(Anonymous)]

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/04/16/10-signs-your-friend-is-toxic/

[(Anonymous)]

This could be about my friend! Down to the age. To the extent that I'm worried she'll see this and think that I wrote it. I have been trying to treat her with as much compassion as I possibly can, but I worry that it gets to a point where I'm enabling her or that the relationship is becoming co-dependent. Plus on kind of a selfish level all she ever talks about is how her life isn't moving anywhere and pretty much extremely obsessive shipping talk. Like I'm a shipper but it seems to be what she spends all day every day thinking about. And she gets extremely upset when she thinks fandom isn't going her way. There's no longer any real fun or enjoyment left in the friendship. And she refuses any offers of help, suggestions, or even discussion in which the issues get raised. She always has an excuse for why nothing would work or why she can't talk about it. But she'll sulk if I then don't engage her in friendship. It's tough because I really do care about this person and she used to be such a great friend. I will stick with her as long as I can but at this point I'm doing it out of pity. I'm sorry :(