fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2296 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2296 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #328.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

While I sympathize with you, I can't help but wonder if a lot of people in situations like yours don't even bother trying to set boundaries. It's probably cruel of me to think that way, but I had a lot of problems like this with one of my dearest friends for years, and eventually just came out and talked to her about it.

She knows that sometimes I just need time and space to myself, and also knows that there are times where I just don't have the energy to listen to her problems. Ever since we talked a lot of that out, she still suffers from her problems and bad decisions, but we also have a much more 'normal' relationship that isn't defined by her emotional needs and me thinking I need to be her 110% single-person support network.

I even think sometimes that if less people listened to the whining, the person might start acting like an adult.

Especially since this isn't really true, from what I've seen. It might be for some people, but for people who literally cannot function "normally", or who can't get their shit together on their own, it seems like it mostly cultivates or exacerbates isolation.

I really hope everyone reads this because it's really good advice. IT'S OKAY FOR FRIENDSHIPS TO HAVE BOUNDARIES. If your only response to a friend complaining is to complain about them, then eventually you're going to become at fault for the friendship deteriorating as well.

When you're so afraid to communicate of course you're going to get mad, your friend isn't psychic and won't know these things are annoying you.

Especially since this isn't really true, from what I've seen. It might be for some people, but for people who literally cannot function "normally", or who can't get their shit together on their own, it seems like it mostly cultivates or exacerbates isolation.

Also this. While I don't think it's other people's jobs to be there 24-7, having everyone in your life ditch you doesn't necessarily serve as a motivation for change for a depressed person.

If your only response to a friend complaining is to complain about them, then eventually you're going to become at fault for the friendship deteriorating as well.

That isn't the only response. That wasn't the response at any point in time. The response was to give up on someone after repeatedly trying to help them when they didn't want to be helped. I have my own life to live. I'm sorry for their problems but they continue to make them for themselves despite many people trying to keep them from doing it.

And the comment itself wasn't complaining about a complainer; it was giving an ANONYMOUS alternate perspective to someone another person's comment. Yes, I implied that I think at least some of it is attention seeking. And if I'd gone into detail or given examples, I'm sure many here would agree with me. But I did not and will not do that because I'm not hear to bash someone or say anything that might give away their identity. This isn't and never was meant to be a hate thread.

AYRT. Sorry my comment wasn't directed at you specifically, I was thinking more about OP of the secret and speaking in general from my own experiences with friends who have issues with communication. I've seen a lot of friendships end because one person got annoyed with another, but all they did in response was talk behind their backs until it festered into complete hatred to the point that the friendship could not be saved.

I also see this a lot in terms of mental illness or if someone is going through a rough time, people tiptoe around that person to the point of getting annoyed that they have to behave that way (whether the person in question asked for it or not.)

AYRT

We aren't close friends and the one time I brought up their constant negativity, they ignored me and then tweeted some passive aggressive things that may or may not have been directed at me. That was when I just started ignoring the whining and I planned to quietly exit their life after some time had passed but shortly thereafter, a lot of people did exactly as I had planned and the person couldn't cope with it. I'm very empathetic in general and genuinely came to care for them before that even though we weren't close. After seeing how difficult it was for them to cope when all those people cut them off, I just can't bring myself to do it, especially because they have a good heart. So now I just talk to them about mutual interests that they haven't associated anything negative with. Unfortunately, that list keeps shrinking and I don't know what to do when it shrinks to zero.

I wish I had something I could even say to that anon, except that I do feel for you, and I hope that person at least seeks some form of help. Although it does sound like a situation that's just going to naturally meet its end at some point, and I hope it doesn't create more problems for either of you as it moves along.

I don't know if this applies, but I didn't mean to say that you were responsible for their emotional state. You definitely are not, and sometimes distance and drifting apart can definitely be good things.

Best of luck.

And this is how you friendship. Boundaries are mutually beneficial.

[ SECRET POST #2296 ]

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