[ SECRET POST #2296 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2296 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #328.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Your friend sounds really depressed and you sound kind of cold.

Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

I can see where OP might come off as being cold, but I didn't notice it until you said something because I know someone like the person the secret is about and I unconsciously filled in details about that person that don't necessarily apply here. In my case, it's a matter of giving up on the person. I can't keep trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'm powerless to do anything about their constant negativity and I can't bail them out of every mess they get themselves into, no matter how much part of me wants to because I genuinely care for the person. They have long since reached the point where they have to face the consequences of their actions. I can offer advice to hep them make better decisions and have done so, as have many others. But they always choose to do the thing that the know is the worst course of action and then whine when everything goes to shit. And I just can't be bothered to listen to the whining anymore. I even think sometimes that if less people listened to the whining, the person might start acting like an adult.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

THIS!!!

Re: Not OP

[lyndis]

This, SOOOO much.

Their friend might be depressed but as an adult you need to take responsibility for things. Blaming shit you've done wrong on "outside" reasons isn't okay when you put yourself in the mess you're in. I've had depression for a long time and I understand how it feels to just not want to try, to just want to give up, et cetera, but at the end of the day I can't blame failures in my life on anybody but myself.

I don't mean that in a oooh-pity-me kind of way, I hope (general) you know. It's just how it is.

That said, the OP isn't saying that pulling yourself together and stuff is easy. But listening to the whining and shit? Man that gets OLD. And it's worse when it's from someone who is fucking up their own life and all they fucking do is WHINE and want SYMPATHY and it's like: I've only got so much sympathy to offer other people, and IMO it's better spent on people who actually try and don't wallow.

It's hard to make close friends, it's hard to get through college (especially when you struggle with depression, learning disabilities, difficulties applying yourself, et cetera), and it's hard to just LIVE sometimes. But you can't just sit online whining at your internet pals about it.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

SO MUCH THIS

And I also suffer from depression.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who also suffers from depression, I totally agree.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

'Their friend might be depressed but as an adult you need to take responsibility for things'

this doesn't make sense to me at all
is it so hard to understand that when you're depressed /you just can't/ manage to do what you'd like to do, what you know is right
you're a total fucking wreck

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

You sound like a real peach. It's nice and wonderful that you managed to cope with your illness to this degree. Don't fucking assume other people would be able to, too.

Your "I made it so you should too!" attitude is part of the reason people don't seek the help they need, so fuck you.

(PS: I made it, but I recognise that not every depression is the same.)

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

And that's the reason why I - though in a similar situation - don't whine online. Because I know a lot of it is my own damn fault, not just the depression's, and even though I try to change, it's such a slow process and I am quite frankly embarrassed about it. Because I know that a lot of the people I know who would read my whining would think exactly like OP does - (they probably do already without any whining from me) and that's a terribly uncomfortable thought.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

I've been having conversations with a friend about a mutual friend of ours for months trying to basically come to this point. I honestly couldn't have said it better myself.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

I gave up on someone but didn't cut ties because I couldn't bear the guilt of making things worse for her no matter how little. And it's impossible to gauge how severely she'd take something like that because she's so unpredictable. I wish I had because now I don't like or care about or respect her anymore.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

This. I don't have the time or the energy to live my friends' lives and still have anything left over for my own. I'm happy to help but the people I know who are like this don't want help; they want attention. I stopped giving it to them because I felt like I was getting sucked into their misery.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

SO MUCH THIS!

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

While I sympathize with you, I can't help but wonder if a lot of people in situations like yours don't even bother trying to set boundaries. It's probably cruel of me to think that way, but I had a lot of problems like this with one of my dearest friends for years, and eventually just came out and talked to her about it.

She knows that sometimes I just need time and space to myself, and also knows that there are times where I just don't have the energy to listen to her problems. Ever since we talked a lot of that out, she still suffers from her problems and bad decisions, but we also have a much more 'normal' relationship that isn't defined by her emotional needs and me thinking I need to be her 110% single-person support network.

I even think sometimes that if less people listened to the whining, the person might start acting like an adult.

Especially since this isn't really true, from what I've seen. It might be for some people, but for people who literally cannot function "normally", or who can't get their shit together on their own, it seems like it mostly cultivates or exacerbates isolation.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

I really hope everyone reads this because it's really good advice. IT'S OKAY FOR FRIENDSHIPS TO HAVE BOUNDARIES. If your only response to a friend complaining is to complain about them, then eventually you're going to become at fault for the friendship deteriorating as well.

When you're so afraid to communicate of course you're going to get mad, your friend isn't psychic and won't know these things are annoying you.

Especially since this isn't really true, from what I've seen. It might be for some people, but for people who literally cannot function "normally", or who can't get their shit together on their own, it seems like it mostly cultivates or exacerbates isolation.

Also this. While I don't think it's other people's jobs to be there 24-7, having everyone in your life ditch you doesn't necessarily serve as a motivation for change for a depressed person.

Re: Not OP

[writerserenyty]

This!

I have a friend, who while he doesn't whine, he just doesn't take care of himself, and is barely motivated. My friends have tried to help him with various things, including one friend paying his deposit on their apartment (thankfully he pays rent on time). However, it never works and, if anything, pushes back.

He's an adult, OP's person is an adult. Even if mental illness is involved, it's honestly not a friend's responsibility to do everything for them, especially if they've tried in the past to no avail. You can't run your life around trying to help someone if they don't want to be helped. You should give it an effort, but really, if they're an adult they are their own responsibility.

Re: Not OP

[(Anonymous)]

^this

[(Anonymous)]

or maybe her friend needs a fucking wake up call and to grow the fuck up? there's depression, and then there's hiding behind excuses, and i personally know several people that this secret could be about. they had chances, and they fucking blew them, and now try to pin the blame on everyone except themselves, because, OMG THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST MEEEEEEEE!

depression sucks. clinically depressed here, but i don't 1) use it as a fucking excuse, and 2) hide behind it when i fuck my own shit up. it's called being a fucking adult.

more people need to learn those lessons.

[(Anonymous)]

Hon, go back on your meds, k?

[(Anonymous)]

This is legitimately the point I'm at with one of my friends right now.

I basically want to just yell this at her. She actually makes her life harder because she refuses to take responsibility for anything.

[(Anonymous)]

calm your fucking tits

[(Anonymous)]

you're too badass for words!

[visp]

Ignore the troll.

[(Anonymous)]

Shame there are no meds/therapy for being an asshole, huh?

[(Anonymous)]

ignore the butt-hurt emotional manipulators responding to you. they're just cheesed off that their emotional badgering may not work on someone like you who's had enough of their bullshit.