[ SECRET POST #2297 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2297 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 038 secrets from Secret Submission Post #328.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

14. http://i.imgur.com/xU9hzWB.png

[(Anonymous)]

OMG that picture OMG
Wait, there are words here.

[(Anonymous)]

Had that same reaction. "LOOKIT THE CUTE WIDDLE MOUSEY~~ --oh, right, secret."

+1

[bigredhug]

just look at that little angel I hope someone gave him tiny mousekisses after they took his photo

[insanenoodlyguy]

I'm thinking one of the following is your problem

A. You're infatuated.

B. You're projecting because of your own past and your over investment is vicarious satisfaction of their being somebody to help in this instance (and being that somebody).

C. You're projecting some of your hangups problems onto this person and the remembrance of your own raw emotion is helping to craft in your mind worst-case scenarios

D. Any combination of the above. Most likely.

Even if I'm completely wrong though, I think it's pretty obvious that you aren't "becoming" over-invested but are in fact already there. On the plus side, the fact that your friend is indeed not connecting with you perpetually means you aren't the sole anchor in an otherwise miserable life, she obviously does have some other things to do which means she 1. Has things to do/places to go/people to see and 2. is capable of doing those things.

Take a deep breath. Relax. See if this message has given you any introspection or epiphany. Regardless of if it did or didn't... find your own things to do/places to go/people to see. Or YOU'LL become the one who has no other lifeline.

[al28894]

Well, there's only so much you can do for your friend before it starts going uncomfortable for you or him/her. I don't have any advice to say to this but I hope you can get help for this sooner or later. :(

[intrigueing]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Oh, um, the secret. Uh, think about how you'd feel if you knew someone was obsessing over your every move and kind of just let it go. If you can't let it go naturally, write down some sane-sounding guidelines for how to check in on her that isn't creepy and obsessive and stick to them.

[tei]

It sucks, but the truth is, you can't save other people.

I mean, unless they're gonna fall off a bridge or something, then you can save them. But you can't save them from their own lives. Don't try. It's not necessary, useful, or helpful.

Also, what an adorable mouse.

[elaminator]

There's only so much you can do for another person. If they want advice then I say give it to them, and if they want a shoulder to lean on then offering one is lovely, but if they don't express any other needs to you...you're just going to have to step back and let them handle things. It's good that you're trying to help, but just remember that your own life and well being is important too and that your friend is probably alright.

[elephantinegrace]

I'm not saying anything that hasn't already been said, but I know what you're feeling, OP. Two years ago I quit my last job, and a few weeks later I met the person who replaced me. I thought I was giving him friendly advice to ease his way (shortcuts, good hangouts for sandwiches or coffee, etc) so I was surprised to get a call a few days later that he didn't want me to talk to him anymore. It was months before we were on speaking terms again because I realized I was being like a helicopter parent. You're a bit luckier because you don't really have a way to talk to your friend outside of this website, but that can also become a problem. And to prove that I've learned something, I'm not going to give you advice so you don't make my mistakes, except that you need ot stop doing what you're doing right now.

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds like the budding of a codependent relationship. Or a relationship with some unhealthy codependent elements. Back off a little, let her live her own life and make her own (probably sometimes dumb) decisions. She sounds younger than you, it's what young people do.

[(Anonymous)]

Dude, your friend is not you. They are their own person. They are not you.

Stop being a fucking creep.

[(Anonymous)]

As the recipient, once upon a time, of an older friend who regularly said things like, "Omg, you're just like me! I used to do that!" I can say: please stop.

I think it's really easy to see ourselves in other people; that's how empathy works. But it can go too far into either paternalism, self-flattery, or helicopter-style worry. Sounds like you're in either the first or last category, and neither seems to be helping *you* too much.

If what you're seeing is self-destructive tendencies, I understand the worry, but I've also found, in my experience, that self-destructive people (especially, but not always, if they are young) often are that way because they don't trust themselves to make good choices, or they rationalize everything they do way too easily. Sometimes it's even both, kind of flip-flopping depending on the situation. In either situation, frequent unsolicited advice is often a sign to them that you *don't* trust them to make the right choices, which either tells them that they're right not to trust/expect better of themselves, or tells them they need to work harder on their rationalizations. Neither really helps you help that person.

And that's just assuming you have a real reason to worry. If you don't, trusting your friend will still go a long way toward a healthy relationship, and your own peace of mind.

My general philosophy on friendship and advice-giving is this: as a friend, it's your job to see someone make bad choices, maybe speak up *once* if it seems really, really important*, and otherwise listen, stick around, and offer some ice cream when it blows up in their face.

*Caveats naturally apply if they are right this second about to commit some kind of self-harm or something, but even then, I've found that this basic trust-but-show-you-care method is usually the best approach.

[(Anonymous)]

Fuck. I've always wondered if I'm the only one who this happens to. Apparently I'm not (and I feel for you in this situation like you have no idea...) This is a legitimate, known form of anxiety, btw and has nothing to do with online or offline, but with excessive worry about people close to you, no matter where they are.

Ok. the best advice I can give you is to create some space. This isn't a bad kind of space, it's the healthy kind. The one where you regain time and energy for yourself and your own life.

I'd say if you're really close, you should tell her about this and then that you talk about how it's ok if one of you doesn't come online and how that doesn't mean that something horrible has happened. Yes, even you don't have to be online to talk to your friend literally ALL the time.

Maybe, for the first little bit, you could ask your friend to maybe at least try to drop you a line if they're not gonna be online? (I know this sounds selfish but I think if it would help you, it's ok to be a bit selfish in this situation. Especially since it sounds like you're putting a lot of your own energy into this friendship as well.) And maybe if you guys can, determine another person who can let you know if something REALLY happens to your friend (of course we're hoping this won't happen, but it's a relieving certainty to have.)

I was kind of forced into this "space" thing and while it was bad at first, it actually really helped me get used to my friend not being online all the time.

[inkedfeathers]

I wish I had a friend like you!

Personally speaking, I would love advice because I honestly don't get what's right or wrong a lot of the time, even when I make mistakes. I'd love a guide.

But, yeah, if they're distancing themselves from you, maybe they're more put-together than you think.... or they don't need your advice as much as you think they do. Your situations might not be as similar as you think they are.