fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2318 ]

[ SECRET POST #2318 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2318 ⌋

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[Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire]

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To shorten a long story: I used to be quite slender and androgynous at 1,65 mts and 53 kgs and I felt fine that way. Psych meds fucked up my previously fast metabolism and made me gain 10 kgs in 5 months. I kinda like the feeling of it, but I loathe how I look and nothing in my clothes fits anymore. I almost fainted when I finally stepped in the scale and saw how much I weighed.

Some of my friends say I look better now. My mom and family are overall horrified. Some days I like the curves and having boobs, because I had never had either of those before (and sometimes I even wonder how I'd look if I gained a little bit more). Other days I absolutely hate myself and want to go back to be as androgynous as possible. I like women of every size, and I like how curvy or even plus-sized girls look. I'm really, really fucking unsure if I want to be one, though. Or even be easily identifiable as female.

It's a confusing mental salad of body image issues with a small pinch of gender dysphoria dressing. Doesn't help I never thought myself pretty.

My mom got me into a gym and the mere thought of going there makes me anxious as fuck. The trainer was a douchebag. He didn't even listen when I told him I had chronical pain in my left ankle. (I had an accident some years ago. Awful stuff, almost lost my foot).

There's also the fact I fucking love, LOVE food. I'm not talking about fast food and french fries drenched in ketchup. I'm a pleasure-seeking gourmet. Or at least, as gourmet as a vegetarian can be. I love eating a delicious, well-prepared meal until I can't take another bite. Obviously, I can't do this anymore because my metabolism slowed the fuck down and even now I cut out all the carbs and sugars and am eating as healthily as possible in small portions... I'm still gaining. It's scary as hell.

This is not my fucking fault and now I'm stuck with this problem and there's a very vocal part of me that wants to send everything to hell, eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and be the sexiest of fat ladies. But I can't forget the horrible feeling of when I first tried on my summer clothes and realized none fit. Or when I saw the calculations of my body-fat percentage and the trainer "tut-tut"ed at me, saying "honey, your numbers double what you should have".

Fuck, this got long. I just. What am I even doing? Should I even try to find motivation to slim down, or what? At least for health reasons, because I do know I'm not healthy now. I'm kind of sick of this whole ordeal.

Edited 2013-05-08 23:36 (UTC)

You should be healthy but try hard to love the way you look and love yourself as a human because hating yourself is the opposite of healthy, and I know how hard that is when you have people all around you trying to dictate what you should be like but I know you can do it. ♥

I had wild self-esteem issues way before this happened. This only added another layer to it. I feel really guilty because I'm all for body-positivity for everyone, yet I can't apply those same standards to myself.

Thanks for your kindness, hon.

I have known a lot of people like that and I've done it myself, too. You're always gonna be harsher on yourself than you are on others. You shouldn't feel guilty about having feelings, just try your hardest. I know how you feel and I'm cheering you on with hugs if they are wanted!

Re: Weight Loss - Feeling fucking miserable. Depression, possibly ED too?

lynx - 2013-05-09 00:17 (UTC) - Expand

YOU ARE NOT AT AN UNHEALTHY WEIGHT. Calculate your BMI. Here, I did it for you. It's 23.7. That's on the upper end of normal weight. You have nothing to worry about.

Thank you, Nonnie. For the calculations and everything. But I measured at 40% body fat, and unless the douche at the gym screwed with the numbers on purpose, it doesn't matter my BMI is fine if that part is that high. (This guy said healthy people -not athletes, just healthy people- measured at 20%).

I'm not overweight (yet), but I'm ten kgs fatter than I was, and I have no new muscle to help lug around that weight. I can't even run for a whole block before keeling over.

The thing about gym douches is that they're gym douches, and they tend to have a big thing about body fat. Don't worry about the percentage -- just work up your musculature to handle the new weight. You are not overweight, but it's clear you aren't used to a more normal weight.

Re: Weight Loss - Feeling fucking miserable. Depression, possibly ED too?

lynx - 2013-05-09 00:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Weight Loss - Feeling fucking miserable. Depression, possibly ED too?

(Anonymous) - 2013-05-09 03:51 (UTC) - Expand

Keep in mind that those people earn money from the fact that others are not happy with the way their bodies are. So yeah, sounds like he was an asshole, especially if he didn't listen to the issue about your ankle.

Any possibility of going to another gym or just getting some exercise on your own, just so your body gets used to moving with the extra weight?

I hope you find a way to be happy with your body (I know how hard that is)! Hugs if you want them!

(reply from suspended user)

I sort of know what you mean. I've always been big, and since puberty, quite curvy - well, the breasts are not so huge, but it's mostly them childbearing hips.

Having always been a bit of a tomboy, I still feel torn on it as an adult. One one hand, I'm actually well-proportioned for my weight. On the other hand, it sort of bugs me I can't be more androgynous, and never will be. The thing is, I still think my face could go either way - so could my height. But it's just the way I'm shaped, really.

But enough about me. I think that if your psych meds are having such side effects you really should discuss it with your doctor. Lose weight if you want to, but only if you can do so in a healthy way.

*Nodnod* Thank you for reading, and for your words of understanding. I bet you're a beautiful lady.

I did discuss it with my psychiatrist, but she kind of shrugged it off with a "yeah, those meds do that" and told me to basically suck it up because depression was worse. Said I should talk to my therapist (a different lady, one who's a psychologist) about it and that was all.

I'm not sure of what I want, to be honest. Of course, health comes first, and I would never starve myself (there's nothing creepier on the internet than all the pro-ana bullshit going around). As I said upwards on the thread, I'm all for body positivity, and this kind of double standard when it comes to myself makes me feel really guilty. The thing is, I've never been sure about how I look, and how I should look. Most of the times I've always felt really dissociated when I looked into the mirror. I wish I could fluctuate shapes at will :(

Your doc is shrugging off your side effects? Drop your doc. Find someone else. 10 kilos in such a short time is a pretty drastic side effect imo. If your metabolism was fine before the fact that it isn't now is a bad sign (high risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, IBD, gallbladder disease etc) "suck it up" is notnotnotnot the appropriate response imo.

Fire her. Seriously. Find another doc who will listen to you and take your concerns seriously. There are other meds to try that might not do that you to you.

Also, have you had your thyroid checked? There are physical causes for depression and going on depression meds does little to help in that case from what I've heard from people. Hypothyroidism is the one I'm familiar with and it can cause depression and people who have joined my email list complain that the depression meds didn't work and nothing worked until they started thyroid hormone replacement.

man, that's not even overweight.

MTE

Nope, it's not yet, but the treatment with those meds is only starting and it will get worse.

(reply from suspended user)

I wish I could say you just need time, and you'll figure out what's a comfortable look/size for you. But meds don't necessarily help settle such thoughts all the time afaik :(

Also, that trainer is a diiiiiick

I'm having a similar problem with my fibromyalgia meds. I've never been exactly thrilled with my weight--I've never been overweight and I'm still not, but I've never been in shape, either (mostly because of the chronic pain for which I'm taking the meds). My family says they don't see a difference, but the majority of my clothes don't fit anymore and I definitely have more of a belly than I used to. It sucks. I hate myself for caring about it because in theory I'm all for body-positivity, but... in practice, when it's my own body, not so much. And yet I'm sitting here eating an ice cream, because fuck it, food is delicious.

Sorry for rambling about myself all over your post when I don't have any advice to offer, but my point is that I do know how it feels when meds start fucking with your weight and it sucks.

The trainer at your gym sounds awful. Excercise should be for the purpose of feeling good about your body, and people who are professionals in athletics should know that their job is to demonstrate and encourage an understanding of how awesome the human body is, not to make people feel shitty about themselves.

Could you maybe get into some kind of exercise that isn't specifically about weight-loss? Like a running club, hobby sports team, martial art or something like indoor rock climbing that can be a social activity? Maybe finding a motivation for exercise besides "get skinnier" would help you learn about/come to love how your body is now, and it'll be a healthy thing to do whether or not you lose weight as a result.

I was going to reply to agree with what you said about the trainer (seriously what an asshole) and then you said rock climbing.

Your advice is great. Obviously I'm going to push rock climbing because I love the shit out of it, but the whole concept is so amazing. That doing a physical activity can actually be fun and can use your brain. That getting healthier can be FUN instead of only work.

I'll actually go reply to the main post about why rock climbing might be just the thing if OP isn't TOO scared of heights.

Hi lynx!

I don't know exactly what to say. I have a vaguely similar experience, when I think about it, but also completely opposite. First, your trainer is a jerk. Second, maybe rock climbing? If not, you don't need to read on, but I'll ramble on like an obsessive about why it might help you out.

1. Rock climbing has a very positive and supportive community. It's amazing. Everyone I met has been helpful and supportive and friendly. No belayer? (person who stands on the ground and uses a device ot keep you from falling, if you didn't know.) Well then someone will offer! Or just ask them and they'll probably be more than willing. Need motivation? They'll tell you you can do it or offer suggestions. Need them to STFU? Just tell them and they will. They're willing to educate and help out. It's great.

2. Goals! I always felt like going to a regular gym... was boring. I never felt like I was working toward anything. With climbing, you have a clear goal: climb better, climb harder routes! You also know where your problems are. Is it your strength, your balance, your stamina, your flexibility, or is it reading the routes or holding onto the holds? There's always a goal. It helps keep you from stopping.

3. Full-body and mind. Climbing uses pretty much every muscle. Usually it's your arms first, but then legs come in, and core, back, and even your hand and foot muscles. Plus you learn to balance, you learn to look at the holds and see how to move to get there. It's amazing. Before I climbed I felt that huge disconnect between my mind and body. They felt like enemies. But climbing trained me to have them work together.

4. Safety. I know rock climbing seems scary as shit. It was to me at first. I'm still scared of heights. It takes time to learn to trust your equipment and yourself (and your belayer), but... eventually, for most people, it goes away. There is essentially no danger if you know what you're doing. Yeah, that takes time, but that's what us friendly, experienced climbers are for! You just need to check your harness, check your knot, check your partner (they do all the same) and boom.

5. No teams! Most sports rely heavily on how other people perform. I know I always felt like I was holding people back or they were holding me back, or communication was wrong and everything went badly. Climbing is solo. Yes, you have a belayer and yes, communicating with them is important. However, I think there's a huge difference between "shit get the ball and kick it into the goal oh man you missed" and the call-and-response communication in climbing. "On belay?" "Belay is on." "Climbing?" "Climb on." Simple. and doesn't change.

TLDR: Climbers are nicer than your shitty trainer. It gives you a goal and a full-body workout. I also think the muscle might help with some of the gender dysphoria, but don't quote me on that. (All my new muscle in my back and shoulders makes me want to dress male even more than normal, honestly. I'd just be awesome, and I finally feel like my body could help instead of hinder.)

(reply from suspended user)

Oh man, metformin was my wonder drug. I was on Lexapro, which caused me to gain an ungodly amount of weight, and once my physician prescribed metformin, the weight just melted off. I must have lost like 35 pounds the first three months.

Hi! I've got some questions, feel free not to answer. Are the meds for depression? If so, what are they? What other medications have you tried for the same issue?

I ask because I have (admittedly very limited) knowledge of certain medications due to some background in pharmacy, plus I have been on all of the antidepressants. all of them. I can tell you which ones caused me to gain the most weight and which ones caused me to gain the least (though they pretty much all cause a little weight gain)

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