fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2374 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2374 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[A7X]

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[Archer]

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[x-files]

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[Danisnotonfire/AmazingPhil]

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[Earth2]

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[Saving Hope]

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[Kim Coates]

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[DeliciousCinnamon]

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[Moyashimon]

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[Lucy Lawless]

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[Richard Armitage]

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[Chuck]

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[Keeping Up Appearances]

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[Star Trek]

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[Hannibal]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 035 secrets from Secret Submission Post #339.
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My sister told me she was feeling depressed and possibly suicidal. After talking with her at length, I think a large part of it has to do with her boyfriend. They had a long distance relationship for about 6 months, then he moved from NC to KS to live with her 6 months ago.

He found a job but was fired after 2 months (not entirely his fault). She just admitted to me that he had been stealing and using her prescription pills when he first moved here (as far as she knows he has stopped) and right now he is using an obscene amount of Tylenol (he has no pain management issues and a history of drug abuse). Right now he is unemployed and just sleeps all day and doesn't help around the house.

I don't really know what to tell her. I think they should break up (and he should go back to NC) so that they can figure out what they really want to do. I know she loves him and I like her BF, but my main priority is my sister. I think maybe they got together too quick.

She is afraid if he moves back home he will fall back into the same pattern of being supported by his parents and never improve. I am afraid if he stays he will continue to drag my sister down. She has told me that if he moves away she would just "Give up." When I asked her to clarify what she meant, she said she didn't know.

I don't know what to tell her and I am worried about her.

The problem is, telling people to break up is never a good idea. Then you become the bad guy who's trying to sabotage the relationship and the might both turn on you and cut contact, even if you're rationally right. I'd just offer support to your sis when she needs it, give her a safehaven.

This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. Obviously you haven't told the whole story, but from what you've told there are no positives outside of "being in love".

That being said, you can't really force someone to end a relationship even if it is an unhealthy one. Maybe just continue to talk with her and support her. Tell her you are worried about her and be honest but not critical. Try bringing up the topic of a break-up, maybe suggest getting the BF some sort of counseling? Or even couples counseling.

GL

This is good advice and I agree about the relationship sounding unhealthy. But like anon said, there's not much you can do other than continue to support her and suggest that she talk to him about getting help.

Yyyyyeah, it sounds to me like he hasn't even stopped with the drug use. If nothing else you should tell her to keep all her meds under lock and key. I don't have any other advice for you, sorry. :(

She has told me that if he moves away she would just "Give up." When I asked her to clarify what she meant, she said she didn't know.

it means that she has a savior complex: she wants to fix him, to save him. she has made him her personal project, and if he falls and never gets up, she feels like she failed personally, and her pride won't allow for that

there is nothing you can do or say without making things worse, the decision has to come from her

I think this is likely, or at least likely to be a part of it, but it's also not necessarily 100% of it. Probably shouldn't jump to such an extreme conclusion without way more info.

Think the first part is likely true but disagree about the second part.

I think it would be helpful for OP to point out that he's not any better off depending on her for help (and meds) than he was at his parents' house; and that tolerating his crap is not helping him, but enabling him. I think if someone had pointed that out to me when I was in a similar state of mind, it would've brought me to my senses a lot faster.

I stopped at "stealing her prescrition" and knew all I needed to (though I did go back to read the rest). He's no goodf or her. The problem is convincing her of it.

But you really should say something. If nothing else that you worry about her and what this is doing to her.

At the very least, couldn't she talk to his parents? If you don't suggest to her that it's better for them to break-up (which I think you really ought to, as long as you make it clear it's for her own good) then maybe you could remind her that he is NOT her responsibility alone.

Doesn't sound like a good relationship or a healthy one for either of them, but like others have said, it's ultimately not your choice. Be supportive of her, be there for her, love her. Suggest she keep her drugs locked up. Also, encourage her to seek help - she may have psychological issues that go beyond just the bf (he might be a catalyst, or a trigger for lack of a better term, but not the root cause).

Most of all, and I know I said this - love her, and make sure she knows it. I don't mean be suffocating, but be there and let her know that you value her.

Best of luck anon. <3

It's true what everyone is saying about it being ultimately not your choice, but at least for me I know that sometimes the push someone needs to make a difficult decidion is just someone else having the balls to just come out and lay down the truth, even if it comes off as too blunt/rude/pushy. If she's confiding in you about this she obviously respects your opinion. You saying "this guy is terrible for you and you need to end it" may not be the most fun conversation ever, and it may not make her break up with him immediately, but it might open another avenue of thought for her in the way that merely "I'll support you no matter what" doesn't. You can't force her, but you can let it be known that you do have a strong opinion, but still the choice is hers and you'll love her no matter what.

Then again, that's just based on the way I respond to advice. Sometimes it's almost a relief to have someone just tell you what to do when you're confused. But you know your sister better than I do, obviously.

Problem here is probably that, should he crash and burn some day after you convinced her to break up with him, chances are that there will be a shitload of guilt both on her conscience and projected onto you. Because you're both to blame for what happened to him. At least that's what it may look like to her.
Maybe she is not the person you should talk to. Maybe that person is him. Depending on how dangerous he is (I have a druggie brother, no talking possible there), that might not be the best idea.

[ SECRET POST #2374 ]

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