fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2374 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2374 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[A7X]

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[Archer]

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[x-files]

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[Danisnotonfire/AmazingPhil]

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[Earth2]

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[Saving Hope]

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[Kim Coates]

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[DeliciousCinnamon]

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[Moyashimon]

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[Lucy Lawless]

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[Richard Armitage]

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[Chuck]

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[Keeping Up Appearances]

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[Star Trek]

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[Hannibal]

Notes:

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Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

There's a lot of people I care about in my fandoms who have problems with depressions, feeling suicidal, and self-harm. When it comes to anxiety and low self-esteem I have personal experience to speak from and know what is and isn't helpful, but when it comes to subjects I have had little contact with I'm stumped.

And a lot of them are people who are getting little to no response from anybody when they post about these things. I want to say something to be supportive and let them know someone's listening, but I have no idea what might make it worse.

Anybody have suggestions? Things that people said or did for them that was helpful?

It seems cruel, but there's no way to tell the difference between someone with actual severe problems and someone manufacturing those problems for attention on a fandom site.

If you don't actually have a relationship with a person, it's generally a good idea to give them very generic advice (seek help, here's some resources) rather than really engaging them. Too often these turn into a circlejerk where everyone believes them wholeheartedly absent of proof or real insight into what is always going to be a deeply individual situation, and if the person actually needs help that can really hurt. That doesn't help them actually seek help, it just makes them return to the fandom site for validation. Validation isn't necessarily help.

I was deeply depressed in high school. I cringe to imagine what could have happened to me if I'd talked about it on a message board and had lots of people tell me that yes my parents are terrible, yes I'm going to be sad for the rest of my life, yes the world is against me, yes everyone in the world cares that you're fat, yes some of us handle our pain by cutting I mean we're not suggesting you cut but hey look at these pictures of me cutting myself...

Edited 2013-07-04 02:32 (UTC)

This - plus, after a while it really starts wearing on the person doing the supporting.

I suppose you're right on that front. I DO want to give them validation, but I just want a middle ground between telling them what they want to hear and telling them to just grow up and get over it. Or just flat out saying nothing.
And I suppose generic advice is the best middle ground I'm gonna get.

Yeah. Again, if you have an actual friendship with the person that's different. I'm talking about strangers/acquaintances.

In most situations, the internet isn't going to be the best place for these people to seek help (unless it's an online group specifically for people who need help).

I should modify what I said: I've found great advice places like this to deal with depression/melancholy/whatever you want to call undiagnosed moodiness. But I'm not self harming or suicidal and never have been. When people start talking about serious issues and are not just looking for basic coping advice, that's when you worry. "Hey I'm sad, help me cheer up" shouldn't worry us so much.

But why would anyone react that way? Am I just not experienced enough in certain circles of the internet - are there seriously areas where people respond with "you're going to be sad forever and the world is against you?"

I went to support forums for self injury and eating disorders and made amazing friends and a support network and never encountered that type of attitude. I'm wondering now if I just really lucked out.

It's really hard to say because everybody is look for different things and reacts differently. Some might simply want someone to acknowledge what they're going for, some might want advice how to stop, some might want someone to support their decision, some might want to just vent and get it out there and nto really want a reply at all. And some might not even be genuine or just simply want attention.

Unless you have an actual friendship with these people I'd not reply. If you *are* friends, then think about what you know about your friend and try and formulate a reply accordingly. Or you could just go with a generic "I'm here for you" type of reply.

Personal story time: When I was a teenager and into my twenties I was suicidal and had a lot of self harm habits. I was also a member of a message board for support. The people there listened and replied and generally just let me know that they understood (all being there for generally the same reason) and encouraged me, if not to stop, to make sure I was taking the best care of myself I could. It really helped, but that was me. What I wanted at the time was for people to just not judge me, people to understand where I was coming from and what I was dealing with, and not pressure me to stop or call me a liar or a faker or deny my emotions and actions.

So basically, just be there for your friends and let them know you care. It's not on you to "fix" a problem, just to offer support where you can.

I have a few of those people myself, most I know personally. Thing is: I never know whether they really want to talk to somebody about it or if they're just using the platform of choice to vent. I also never know what to say, because I don't know how to make things better.

I have this friend who keeps posting stuff about how depressed they are and how shitty they feel and write something like "Oh now, I'm all alone and nobody likes me" but then go on and post about "people who only talk to me out of pity after a post like that. They don't really care, they don't mean it, they only feel guilty". Yeah, great, so what now? Do want me to talk to you so you're less lonely or do you think I'm only pitying you?

Personally, I always feel guilty about talking about my depression to others because I feel like I'm burdening them with my problems. That's something I don't want to do, so I almost never talk about it. I'd say if they write about those things un-anonymously on a platform where you can answer they might want to talk. SO I'd just try something neutral, like assuring them you're there for them if they need someone to talk etc. That way, it's up to them if they want to instigate a conversation.

[ SECRET POST #2374 ]

Advice for talking to people who are suicidal/depressed/self-harming

There might be a reason they're getting little to no response.

Re: There might be a reason they're getting little to no response.

OP

Re: OP

Re: There might be a reason they're getting little to no response.

Re: Advice for talking to people who are suicidal/depressed/self-harming

Re: Advice for talking to people who are suicidal/depressed/self-harming