fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2388 ]

[ SECRET POST #2388 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2388 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Val and Matt]

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03.

[My Chemical Romance]

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04.

[Little House on the Prairie/GoT]

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05.

[The Venture Bros.]

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06.

[Once Upon a Time in Odessa]

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07.

[Gabriel Knight]

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08.

[Dangan Ronpa]

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09.

[America's Cup]

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[Legion]

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[Trailer Park Boys]

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[Warehouse 13]

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13.

[Sugar Bits]

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14.

[Touhou Project, Assassins Creed, Madoka Magica, Rise of the Guardians]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 030 secrets from Secret Submission Post #341.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I am a lesbian. When I was a teenager, before I finally came to terms with it, I had sex with a guy. It's not that I was confused or anything, because I've known since I was a little kid, but I grew up being told that it wasn't possible, that people who felt the way I did were just "sick", so I decided that I would be "normal" and sleep with a guy. I did it a handful of times with the same guy, it was horrible, and I finally came to the conclusion that me being "normal" wasn't going to work. I haven't had sex with anymore guys since then and never will again, but lately I can't help but feel horribly guilty for doing it at all. My friends are all so proud of the fact that they've never been with a guy and a couple of them have given me a hard time over the fact that I have and it just makes me feel really bad about myself. I mean, it'd be a little different if I was confused and trying to figure things out or something, but I knew all along that I wasn't into guys and still did it anyway. I have no excuse other than that I just wanted to be like everyone else and that's pretty damn pathetic.

I feel like this is probably kind of a weird/possibly dumb thing to feel guilty about but I'm not sure what to do about it. :(

You shouldn't feel guilty. You were in a situation where people told you hurtful, ugly things, instead of giving you good advice. You tried something, you didn't like it, and decided it's not for you. Seeing as how everything was consensual, you did nothing wrong.

Your friends, otoh, should ashamed for giving you grief. You were (I assume) young, and misguided by the same people who should have given you understanding and support. Now the people who should show you understanding support to help you move on from that are being jerks. Get new friends.

I don't think you should feel bad about it at all. You were told sex with another girl was "wrong" and you felt the pressure to try to be "normal" and because of that you tried sex with a dude and it wasn't great.
It's not their business what you've done before- especially when it was a mistake, and they shouldn't shame you for it. Those sounds like kinda shitty friends.

I get what you're saying. I have a much more mild example -- I'm openly proud of the fact that I've never even kissed a guy (not because I'm a self-righteous prude, but because I'm an aromantic asexual and I'm very vocal about the whole "not needing romance or sex for a full life" thing), but what nobody knows is that I did. In first grade. I know that "doesn't count", and I didn't know I was asexual until almost ten years later (when I found out it was actually a thing), but I still feel wrong for having done it at all, like my perfect record is tarnished forever. And it's pretty ridiculous -- your example makes a lot more sense -- but the feeling is there.

Don't torture yourself over it.

I'm not a lesbian, but the first time I kissed a guy was because all the girls in my class were getting interested in boys, and I actually wasn't (and wouldn't be until years later) but I wanted to know what the fuss was about so I kissed him, repeatedly, at at party. I know that's not quite the same as sex but it's the sort of stupid shit we do because we want to belong.

The whole "gold star" thing is bullshit anyway.

Your identity is not less valid because of what you did in the past. Don't feel guilty for you past - it's part of what makes you you - and that's not a bad thing. If you feel guilty towards the guy, and you're on speaking terms, you might feel better if you just tell him upright. But, you're in no way obligated to do so. You did nothing wrong. Don't fret on it, so you don't get into one of those mental loops that are hard to get out of.

Try getting new friends.

Feeling happy and secure in your sexuality from early on is a perfectly reasonable thing for your friends to be proud of. Never having been with a guy...not so much. Plus, your friends may have had support from their families, other friends, etc, while you didn't, so you may have had to work through much more crap to feel okay with being a lesbian. If they can't understand that, and try to shame you over it, that reflects badly on them, not you.

You have shit friends.

Okay, you must have heard the "everybody experiments in their teen years" spiel right? It's not just for straight identifying people who want to hide their bi-tendencies, or for recovering attention whores who have the grace to be embarassed about all that girl kissing they never really meant.

Sometimes people really do experiment. And it doesn't work out. Nobody said straight folks got to own that. You tried something, it didn't work. In your case, it wasn't so much trying to like guys as trying to be something.

Here's the thing though: You figured your shit out. Both as who you were going to present as and that you dont want to live a lie.

Now you just gotta work on finding friends who have better things to do then seriously judge you over dumb shit you did as a teenager. WE ALL DO DUMB SHIT AS A TEENAGER. Not always sexual, but find me any adult and you've found somebody who did some crazy retarded shit as a teen.

Your friends have a right to laugh at it, and you them, sure. That's what friends do sometimes. Laugh at each others dumb shit. But if it becomes too one-sided or goes beyond something you can also laugh at (which obviously this is a case of) into full on judgement or actual disdain, you need to find some people less full of themselves.

Be honest: Are any of these folks the kind that hate on bi-people too? Cause it sounds like that kinda flavor of bullshit judgement.

Edited 2013-07-18 00:04 (UTC)

OP

Be honest: Are any of these folks the kind that hate on bi-people too? Cause it sounds like that kinda flavor of bullshit judgement.

Definitely. According to them bi people are either straight and lying for attention (if they're girls) or gay and in denial (some girls and 100% of guys who claim they're bi). Oh and one friend recently discovered the existence of asexuals and now that's their latest group to hate on.

I guess they are kind of idiots but I'm not quite sure how to go about finding new friends now that I'm not in school anymore.

Thanks though. I probably need to just chill out and stop being so hard on myself.

If it makes you feel better OP, I did the same thing - with a couple of different guys - and I'm very much a lesbian.

Your friends are being douchebags and for some weird reason, they're pretending as if it's not okay to explore and try new things just in case. They're wrong. Imagine if this argument were about something trivial like cheeseburgers instead of one's sexuality. How pretentious would a person be to say things like, "OMG I always knew I loved cheeseburgers and have never even bothered to eat anything else, not even a nibble and you're so inferior for taking a bite of pizza blah blah blah..."

They're being asshats, and they should quit. This isn't a contest of Who's the Better Lesbian or Who's the 100% Authentic Accept No Substitutes Lesbian.

My friends are all so proud of the fact that they've never been with a guy and a couple of them have given me a hard time over the fact that I have and it just makes me feel really bad about myself.

Then they're not your friends.

Gotta agree with everyone else's assessment: your friends suck. A lot of LGBTA people go through very similar situations, and I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Society in general doesn't tend to treat people who don't match up to the norm very well, and there's nothing wrong with being afraid of that.

Stand up for yourself and tell those "friends" of yours to stop being judging idiots who want to be superior and special. If they keep giving you a hard time over this, ditch them like the plague.

Tbh I don't understand lesbians who do that. Are they bragging about it? Are they trying to say "It was SUCH a struggle to not give into the temptation but I managed because I'm just sooo much stronger than other women!" Celebrating your sexuality is cool but that's...not what that is. That's like. They have nothing else to be proud of so they make up something that doesn't even matter, and it's divisive. I never had sex with a guy but I did date a couple and kiss one of them and I did it for the same reasons as you. We're all walking a different road here and even though we face similar problems along the way, we all solve them differently. Btw there is like a whole sub-community of 'late in life lesbians' who married men and had children with them before coming out and long story short you need to find some friends who don't make you feel bad.

I'm in a weird mood right now so I hope that made sense.

My friends are all so proud of the fact that they've never been with a guy

Well then how do they know they're lesbians? Maybe if they tried penis they'd like it. Really you're more lesbian than they are, you should tell them that.

/sarcasm over

Edited 2013-07-18 03:31 (UTC)

I know you were being sarcastic, but damn if that wouldn't make a good "oh snap" comeback.

OP

Haha. That's great and I'm totally going to say that the next time one of them gives me shit.

You have bad friends. Also, they sound young. Try hanging out with some older lesbians who remember what the '80s were like.

If you want to shake your head at your younger self and say "Damn, I was really insecure back then," then go ahead and do that, but that's nothing to feel guilty about.

"Gold star" lesbians who give other lesbians shit if they've had sex with a guy are assholes. It's no one's business but yours who you've had sex with in the past and how you felt about it. I'd suggest finding new friends, but as that's usually difficult, maybe try to avoid or change the topic when it comes up with your current friends. Don't beat yourself up about this, though. You have done nothing wrong.

Thanks! Finding new friends is a good suggestion but it's a lot easier said than done. I'm going to try to just avoid the subject though.

Thanks everyone. I know you guys are right and I probably just need new friends but that's a lot easier said than done. Thanks for letting me vent though!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2388 ]

Lesbian with a weird problem

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Your friends sound awful.

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OP