fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2441 ]

[ SECRET POST #2441 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2441 ⌋

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I'm sorry, f!s, and I know it's late, but I want to vent and this is one place where I think people will understand where I'm coming from.

My brother is sexist. He's not terribly overtly sexist, but he laughs at a lot of sexist jokes, says sexist things to me when he's mad, and doesn't take sexism or feminism seriously - he seems to be in deep denial that it's necessary. He basically lives in a man's world, because 95% of what he cares about is football or men's basketball, so he doesn't really see a lot outside of that. He doesn't have a lot of female friends either (I'm not sure if he has any) and he is extremely biased against anything I say.

I probably should have just kept quiet, but it really bothers me to see shit like this so I spoke up, saying the picture was sexist, after he shared this on Facebook:

http://i1324.photobucket.com/albums/u602/cyan_raichu/1234749_515557878525164_839787793_n_zps60f42e42.jpg
(disclaimer: I could not possibly give fewer shits about Tom Brady or pro football. Just...the sign. ugh.)

He flies off the handle, PMs me about how over-reactive I am, says I'm attacking him, proceeds to attack me and misread almost everything I say and literally ignore all the logical points I'm trying to make. tl;dr we had an argument about it; I was trying to explain why the pic was sexist, and in the end he just said a bunch of rude things and blocked me.

I'm angry and hurt and I wish I could just have a good relationship with my brother.

I don't know that it's worth ignoring shit like this though. Seeing sexist shit come from people I know doesn't lend itself to good relationships.

Am I over-reacting? Was the pic NBD? Does anyone else here have family members like this? How do you handle it?

Edited (the pic was huge so I made it a link instead of an embed) 2013-09-09 02:36 (UTC)

he doesn't seem to respect the boundaries you try to put up ("don't say things I consider sexist to my face, ffs" is as reasonable as it gets)

at this point you have to think if maintaining a relationship with your brother is worth all this

im not disputing that the picture is sexist but boundaries is a weird reason to cite. it's *his* facebook, he can post whatever he wants, and OP has the right to leave his space.

ideally, everyone realises he is a dumbass and leaves him all alone but "you posted a picture to your facebook which i follow, my boundaries" is pretty weird

I didn't mean this one instance in specific, but rather the bigger picture, but still, aren't there filters in facebook? also if she's friended in facebook and she has complaining about sexism before and then he goes and post it where she can see it, what does that say?

I thought anon's comment was in reference to the part where I said he sometimes says such things to me when he's mad at me.

"Ugh you must be on your period," etc.

It's really not, but it's really up-and-down - when he's being super nice I don't want to snub him, because I feel like a jerk and I know he'll call me one.

We're both in our early twenties. Hopefully the future won't look like this with him.

Not the worst sign I've ever seen, but it's clearly sexist, so it's not like you didn't have grounds to complain about that. I would have let it go personally (I prefer to tackle bigger battles when it comes to confronting family members) but that doesn't mean no one should ever talk about it or take offense.

I generally don't talk to those family members of mine who hold really sexist points of view, but that's not the best way to deal with things. I'd say if your brother is going to be a turd, though, don't feel bad about it. These things happen, and it really has nothing to do with you.

Eh, the picture is something I could let slide but if it made you uncomfortable it made you uncomfortable. However, his reaction to you sounds completely inappropriate.

If I were you I would print screen the entire PM conversation and post it on your wall so everyone can see how much of an asshole he is. Maybe even link your mom to it. Then again I'm kinda an asshole so you may not want to take that advice.

Now, let me get serious and say something that you may not want to hear. Sometimes siblings never get along. They say it takes two to tango and that goes for all kinds of relationships. You want to have a good relationship with him? Well, he has to want to have a good relationship with you too. It can't all be one-sided. Trust me, I know from experience. My brother is sexist too. He told me that all women want to have babies as their main goal in life and that I was fucked up in the head for either not wanting kids or wanting to adopt. He also has the funny habit of only talking to you if he wants something. He lacks empathy and makes everything about himself. I learned the hard way that we could never be friends. Because I tried. Oh did I try for years. But it was in vain because I was the only one trying. He will always be my brother and I will always be there for him but we aren't friends and we never will be. And you know? That's okay. It's actually okay. It was a sad reality at first but after a while I saw how freeing it was and how much happier my life had become once I had realized this.

Do I think your brother is as far gone as mine? Probably not. Maybe he does want to have a good relationship with you and he's just a big man-baby idiot who needs to grow up. I don't know. You need to judge it all for yourself. You need to figure out what's best for you and healthy for you. What are the lines you draw? What are the things that are unbearable? Is having a "good" relationship with your brother worth any of the negative stuff? This is all about not what you want but what you need. What do you need in a relationship and can he provide it? (He should ask himself these same questions.)

As for me? What do I do? I treat my brother well and I remain respectful to him as a family member but I do not get emotionally invested in him. We don't see each other too often so it all works out well.

So you need to think about those things I asked you. What is his relationship worth? And what are things you can't accept? And most importantly, is he willing to work for it too?

Edited 2013-09-09 03:19 (UTC)

haaaaaaaaaa yeah your brother sounds way worse than mine, ngl (at least on the sexism front, I mean damn)

I'm waiting to see if he's ever really interested in a real relationship. The problem is every now and then he'll start to be really nice and I'll think hey we're going to get along, yay and if I snubbed him during those times I'd feel like an asshole, and probably be called one by him a dozen different ways. =/

I figured. But what I said still stands, regardless of severity. It's all about your comfort zone.

...That sounds like a cycle. You have to figure out if things improve in these cycles and if they don't if you're okay with that.

But what I really feel I should emphasize is that your emotional wellbeing comes first.

sounds like my brother
and my dad

both say sexist shit all the damn time, most of the time i can't be bothered calling them out on it because i have limited reserves of energy

in my brother's case - well, he's a selfish asshole, in a myriad of ways. and if he wasn't family, i wouldn't be interacting with him at all.

i don't really have any advice to give, i'm afraid, but i just want to say - i feel you. there's some days i wish i knew what it was like to have a good relationship with my brother. but there's no point in speculating on what could be.

if you're not living out of home yet - take heart. one of these days you'll be able to move out and limit your interactions with him.

Oh man it blows up when we're both home - not because of the sexist thing, that's the least of it, but because he's just overall an asshole and also very immature, and I'm not very good at handling interactions with him (I'm not without any fault here lol).

We're both in college now. I hate being in the same house as him, but it won't be long before that won't happen anymore.

He's usually not overtly sexist, like I said - but it's annoying when it comes out, and he's also just sort of generally an asshole when things aren't going the way he thinks they should be going.

Yeah, IMO, you were overreacting. Yes, the picture is sexist. (And also really immature and stupid and in poor taste, and I don't even get why it's supposed to be amusing, sexism aside. Who's Tom Brady again, btw?)

But at the end of the day it's just a stupid picture, and your brother is your brother, flaws and all. You either accept him as-is and put up with the shit he does that bothers you, and hope he outgrows it in his own time (which he well may, though sadly, this is not guaranteed) or you cut him off. The one thing you can't do is force him to change before he's willing and ready to do so.

One thing I would recommend, though, if Facebook is often a vector for this sort of thing with him, is to unfriend him and eliminate that source of friction between you. And tell him, if he asks, that's why you did it.

No.
Just fucking no.
To all of this.

Um, why? Anon is right -- you CAN'T force someone to change, only tell them your reasons for disliking what they do.

Why? Blunt but sensible advice.

He already blocked me, so that's done. We only ever interact on his terms. Well, unless we're at home and he's bugging me incessantly, but if I decide to set terms for our interacting he whines about what a selfish jerk I'm being.

Tom Brady is the quarterback for the Patriots. (I only know this because again...brother. lol. He is a diehard Colts fan and pretty much hates anything to do with the Patriots.)

I see where you're coming from with your advice, but I feel like if everyone just put up with stuff like that on the grounds that you can't change people, nobody would ever talk about sexism or any other important issues. Nor am I trying to get him to change - I might not like him very much because of the way he acts, but here I am just trying to change his views, not him as a person, and see if he can understand the issue a little bit more. Because if nobody ever does that how will our society progress?

At any rate, thanks for the feedback. It is important to remember that you can't control other people, and even trying to change things for the better doesn't always have good results. ngl though, it's frustrating as fuck. x.x

It *is* frustrating, and you totally have my sympathy on that count.

It just seems that you've already made your objections very clear to him, and he's made it equally clear that he's not interested in doing anything about it at this time. You're currently at an impasse. So you're left with a pretty sucky choice, which I don't envy you.

But I'm also getting the impression he's not that old? You said you're both in college, right? It's possible he just has some more growing up to do, and he may do it best if he's not kept on the defensive about it.

I'm not so much suggesting that you give up as take the long view. If you give him time and he fails to get any better, the options of going back to arguing with him or walking away will still be there.

At any rate, I wish you the best of luck and hope you arrive at a solution that works for you.

Yeah, he definitely has a lot of growing up to do.

I should take a long-term view and I sort of do, but I don't want to be emotionally invested in someone if I don't know if it will work out in the long run. I distance myself for long periods of time. Maybe in five years or so...idk.

there is always the more extreme solution. Question- is the world really a better place with your brother in it?

not funny

was that supposed to be a joke or

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[ SECRET POST #2441 ]

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