fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2452 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2452 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[Giles Coren and Sue Perkins, The Supersizers Eat… The Eighties]

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03.

[Jeff Davis/Teen Wolf]

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04.

[Django Unchained]

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05.

[Valiant Hearts: The Great War]

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06.

[Child of Light]

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07.

[Jurassic Park]

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08.

[Hate Plus]

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09.

[The Three Investigators]

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10.

[Charlie Hunnam]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 011 secrets from Secret Submission Post #350.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Rather, I'm hoping that you can give a girl an honest assessment, f!s.

I went out with this guy I met online. We went to dinner, it was nice, we had plenty in common, and I had a good time (even if I wasn't especially attracted to him). At the end of the date, we hugged, and I told him that if he wanted to go out again, he should text. He pulled out his phone right then on the street to schedule a date, but I told him we could figure it out later. He texted an hour later to say he had a good time, and I said the same. All was well.

That was Sunday. Wednesday, he called me and left a message inviting me over to his house for dinner on Friday. To me, that set off warning bells. A invitation to dinner at the house he shared with his brother for a second date? I mean, maybe if he was a coworker or someone I knew a little better, sure, but a guy I've had literally one face-to-face conversation with? Is that really a reasonable second date?

Anyway, I texted him the next morning that I wasn't comfortable with that, and so he immediately texted back saying that he didn't want to make me uncomfortable and we could go elsewhere. I'm extremely awkward, though, so the idea of going on another date after that just made me feel weird. So, in the interests of being forthright, I texted that the situation felt too weird to me and I was sorry it didn't work out.

He called right after that, but I didn't answer. Now, I'm feeling like a bitch. I tried to be honest and I felt right about my decision, but when I told my coworkers this story today, they said I'd been too hasty and too quick to push him away.

tl;dr - Does saying no to a second date because I got a little creeped out make me a picky bitch?

No, it doesn't.

I do think you freaked out too soon, but you shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You are not a picky bitch.

I don't think it makes you a picky bitch, but I do think that you were a bit too hasty, especially since he respected you when you said that you weren't comfortable having dinner at his place.

But, honestly? I don't think the issue is that you were uncomfortable; I think the issue is that you just weren't that into him. From your description of the date, it sounds like you were kind of lukewarm on the guy anyway. If you'd been more interested, then you may have reacted in a completely different way to all that followed.

Maybe there were some other things, too? Like, stuff that didn't strike me as weird at the time, but all put together were weird? We talked for a while, and when I said I was thinking about moving next year, he said something to the effect of once he paid off his house he could go anywhere, too. And then when I mentioned I liked to travel, he pretty much invited me along with him for a week in Oregon to hang out with a friend of his.

I dunno. You guys are probably right, and I'm just not trusting enough.

Don't castigate yourself for not being trusting enough. Just reading your post is setting off red flags for me. You don't know him and already he wants you to meet his family and travel across country with him.

Read Gavin de Becker's The Gift Of Fear. He describes situations similar to yours, and recommends that you follow your gut.

Trust is something that should be earned. There are a lot of predators/psychos out there and you can't be too careful.

My advise is to not go out with him again, and don't answer his texts.

Inviting you over to his place so he can cook for you does not sound like such an odd second date that breaking up with him is the only answer. It's totally fine to say no to a second date if he creeped you out, but I don't think that that alone is enough that it should have freaked you out.

IOW, are you sure that he creeped you out and you didn't just overreact to him?

Y'know what, ignore this one. The people on either side of me said what I wanted to say both better and less creepily than I did.

OP

Actually, I think you said it in such a way that combined with the other responses, I think I've come to the conclusion that he was way more in to me than I was him and the manifestation of that creeped me out.

Thanks.

Not at all, BUT, I have to say that if he was quick to agree to a different location when you displayed your discomfort, he most likely didn't mean anything nefarious by the invitation and just didn't stop to think that you'd be uncomfortable with such an invitation in the first place.

No.

I don't think that not answering his call was necessarily the right thing to do, but I do think you were probably right to back off. Just going by your description of events, it sounds like he was a lot more into you than you were into him, and that kind of imbalance can easily take a tumble.

Some people just prefer to stay in than to go out. Some people have a general aversion to going out, maybe either due to sensory issues (eg. noise/crowds) or to being short on money. You didn't mention who paid for the dinner, but it could be that he's a decent cook and wanted to treat you, but couldn't afford to eat out again. At any rate, a second date at home doesn't seem weird to me at ALL. But you should never feel like a bitch about sticking to your boundaries and making calls about what you're comfortable with. There were clearly other things here that rubbed you the wrong way and struck you as moving too fast or being clingy; you made the right decision, and it sounds like you were completely polite and up-front about it.

No, but by the same token? Breaking up [...for lack of a better term] over it, particularly when he was totally cool with switching places since you weren't comfortable, seems like a bit of an over-reaction.

Now, if you weren't interested for more than just that/weren't interested to begin with? Then not so much of an over-reaction. But if it was *only* because he invited you to his place...then it seems a bit over the top. [Valid, if that's how you felt, but over the top, imo.]

First things first: you can say no to a date for any reason at all. It's not only allowed, but it's your right. You do not have to go out with anyone unless you want to, and it doesn't make you a bitch.

That said, it probably was a relatively innocent screw-up on his part. Unless he got nasty (that includes passive-aggressive nasty as well as straight up aggressive nasty) with you when you said you felt uncomfortable going over to his place, it sounds like he did the right thing-- immediately tried to rectify the situation so you didn't feel uncomfortable.

Now, the fact that it didn't work doesn't make either of you terrible people. Sometimes you just get nervous about a situation, and that's okay. Going on just what you've said here, my guess is that he really, really likes you and got a little overeager about it. That can be off-putting, especially when you're not that into him.

[ SECRET POST #2452 ]

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