[ SECRET POST #2466 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2466 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Late day at work, sorry.

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 010 secrets from Secret Submission Post #352.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - omgiknowthem ], [ 1 - troll ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[mekkio]

In all seriousness, it's amazing how online personas can differ from real life ones. The shyest person can be out going online because they are alone in front of their computer without anyone around to judge them. So, I am going to give your friend the benefit of the doubt and saying, perhaps, she/he was shy the entire time? That she didn't have a good time but she had no idea how to say so.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I agree they sound like they might have been really shy instead of bored/aloof/whatever. But the lack of "thank you"s would probably put me off, too.

[chardmonster]

I've spent a great deal of my life incredibly shy.

You always say thank you. Always. Even if that's the only thing you can say.

[lynx]

^This.

One thing is to be terribly, painfully shy, and another is to be (or appear to be) ungrateful. I think being conscious I'm looking terribly ungrateful would make me EVEN MORE SHY so if only to avoid an anxiety episode, I'd never forget to at least say "thank you".

[forgottenjester]

Yeah, I agree. I was the shy kid in class. I would mumble everything and it was really difficult for me to look at people. I hid from other kids during lunch. I spent most of my time just never talking.

But I was the politest little shit you ever met.

No one ever felt like I was rude about it either. I was clearly shy but they could always tell I was grateful.

(And the money thing just puts me out, my gosh. You don't do that. With the economy the way it is there is no excuse for pulling that kind of shit.)

[(Anonymous)]

I've always been shy, and saying thank you used to be the hardest thing for me. I'd always think hard about saying it, how I needed to say it, but I'd freeze up and get scared that it would sound stupid or even sarcastic. I was convinced I'd come off as less rude by not saying anything.

I don't even remember how, but I eventually trained myself to say thank you so automatically that now I probably overuse it a bit. But it's not always the easiest thing for even a shy person to say.

[chardmonster]

That's true. However: if the OP is hurt by these actions, they have every right to drop the hurtful fandom friend like a hot potato. Though it'd be nice if they said why so they can fix themselves.

[(Anonymous)]

I think the difference here is that the OP has done (and spent) a lot to accommodate this friend. If the friend can go to museums, dinners, movie nights, etc. then there's no reason they can't say a simple "thankyou" or even "I feel bad that you're paying so much for me, do you want me to pay for this ticket?"

[juliamon]

I am this way as well. I find it easier to say thank you to a complete stranger (eg. a waiter bringing you a glass of water) than to someone I actually know and interact with. I've spent a lot of my life trying not to speak at all out of fear of embarrassing myself, so when I visit my friend and stay with his family he has to constantly remind me under his breath to say hello and good morning and such when his family members say it to me. It's a really painful position to be in, afraid of saying something foolish, but also afraid of offending by NOT saying something.

I imagine nobody will see this since it's several days old now, but I just came back from visiting said friend and it felt really relevant. I'm really terrible at expressing happiness IRL (I like to say that I smile on the inside) so I always am afraid of being interpreted as the sort of person OP hosted even when I am genuinely enjoying myself.

[(Anonymous)]

...You know, I can't remember if I said thank you the one time I visited a fandom friend [probably did. I always have people bitching that I'm too polite] - but I can't really say I should have that time since it lead to hearing a lot of insults towards me and my family the whole time. : /

[(Anonymous)]

Wow that sucks. I'm sorry.*offers hugs*

[darkmanifest]

Yes. There's a million things I do wrong, or neurotically worry about doing wrong, when it comes to interacting with people, but "please" and "thank you" have never failed me with both friends and complete strangers.

[hwc]

Even if she were shy and not having a good time, she still could have said "thank you" when OP paid for her shit. No matter how shy you are, a simple "thanks" if someone pays for your fees and food is not too much to ask.

[(Anonymous)]

Yep. I completely understand how shyness can make you come off as snobby or boring, but not this. I'm terribly shy, and saying 'thank you' is such an automatic reaction for me I think I say it too much. I can't imagine what was going through this person's head! There's having poor social skills and there's, like, not interacting with humans.

I cannot imagine allowing someone to pay for EVERYTHING either....

[(Anonymous)]

This x100. In fact, I'm very shy to the point where I sometimes come off as aloof or rude, so to compensate I go out of my way to be polite to people so they know I'm not intentionally being a dick.

Shyness doesn't equal rudeness. Not saying "thankyou" or offering to pay for some things (even though you have money) is just rudeness, imo.

[(Anonymous)]

I agree I think it sounds like your friend is shy. I can talk for hours behind a computer, but in real life I'm super shy and really introverted. If somebody met me in real life after talking to me on the computer they would be in for a shock. It does seem rude she didn't offer to pay for anything if she had the money. Maybe she's never been a guest like that before. I understand your frustration and I think it's reasonable to feel upset.

[(Anonymous)]

But are you so shy you can't once choke out a "thank you" to someone who hosted you for several days and clearly knocked herself out to show you a good time?

[(Anonymous)]

that's why I said she has every reason to be upset. :/
I'm not saying her friend's actions were right by any means.

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry for jumping on you--now and then, I encounter an attitude that shyness is a "Get out of courtesy free" card, but it wasn't fair to tar you with that brush just for pointing out that shyness can make even expressing happiness and gratitude difficult.

[(Anonymous)]

it's alright, I know it's easy to jump to conclusions. u__u

I didn't know people use shyness as an excuse to get away with stuff until just now, that's kind of a crappy thing to do. But then again I've never encountered many people who claimed to be shy in the first place.

[(Anonymous)]

Not only that, but why mention that you have money to pay for yourself, and then never offer to do so during the visit? Even if the friend is shy, a thank you is still feasible & would be nice.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes! When someone has paid tens (hundreds?) so that you have an enjoyable time at their place, a thank-you isn't too much to ask. I don't care if their introverted or not.

The OP has already done more than enough to make their so-called friend happy. Why should they do more by accommodating such rude and impolite behavior? It sounds like people are expecting the OP to give, give, give while the friend takes, takes, takes.

[dragonimp]

I dunno, I'm painfully shy and don't usually have a problem getting out a "thank you" or two, and it doesn't stop me from looking like I'm enjoying myself when I am. I don't think simple shyness can explain being that disconnected and socially absent in person.

[(Anonymous)]

The problem with giving the "friend" the benefit of the doubt is that it placates them, but leaves the OP feeling like shit. The OP has every right to be upset about being used like this, and to ask the friend why they behaved the way they did.

Maybe the friend didn't realize they were being an ass, or maybe they did. But IMO there is no excuse for rudeness, and chalking it up to POSSIBLE social anxiety just puts all the blame on the anxiety and not the person themselves. Having anxiety does not excuse dickish behavior.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm one of those painfully introverted people too, but I don't think shyness can excuse the lack of thank yous, not offering to pay your own way for some things or at least putting on a good show to let your host know you appreciate all their efforts. That sounds like plain old being an ill-mannered lout to me.