[ SECRET POST #2466 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2466 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Late day at work, sorry.

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 010 secrets from Secret Submission Post #352.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - omgiknowthem ], [ 1 - troll ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[bored_bitch]

I can't speak for your friend, but it sounds like hardcore social anxiety.

I've been in that position before (still kind of am), and it sucks. Because people will assume you're rude or just weird, regardless.

Having come from that, yes, sometimes a simple "Thank you" is really hard to do. Social interaction terrifies the socially anxious, and even a simple "thank you" can be a major slip up that you don't dare to take at the risk of fucking something up. It feels like a confrontation. Because the wrong tone, the wrong anything, can drive people away.
Hell, even freaking out and then having to explain that you're really anxious can drive people away. It's not an easy thing to deal with when our society has an expectation for absolutely everyone to handle social situations with calm and grace, or else they're "rude" or a "creepy weirdo."
Been there. Done that. Not fun.

I would maybe ask your friend about it, over the internet. Mental conditions like that aren't really something you can just go "hurr hurr get over it." Otherwise, you become the dick.


That being said, it was pretty dickish of them not to offer to pay anything.

[lyndis]

Yeah I kind of get the idea that maybe they're really socially awkward and/or backward and/or literally don't understand things or can't cope very well, especially regarding one-word responses and the like, esp. if they're not that way online and they went home and SAID they had fun. Maybe they DID have fun, or they were confused about how to interact with other people.

My ex-bf and I made a deal that if /i/ went to visit him, he paid for everything, and if /he/ came to visit me, I would pay for everything. Like, "my turf, I'll take care of it!"

That said have you tried TALKING to your friend, OP? Communication is really important and you should tell them in a private message that you are concerned because you didn't feel that they were having fun at all and so on.

My friends I've met in person mostly can't get me to STFU.

[dinogrrl]

^This. Social anxiety sucks so hard and it makes meeting people really difficult. If you aren't aware of someone having social anxiety, I can easily see how their behavior would appear as rudeness.

I agree with lyndis though, I've been raised that, generally speaking, if someone invites me somewhere, they pay for it. Conversely, if I invite someone to do something, I pay. The OP didn't address who invited whom though, so who knows what went down.

[(Anonymous)]

"I've been raised that, generally speaking, if someone invites me somewhere, they pay for it. Conversely, if I invite someone to do something, I pay. The OP didn't address who invited whom though, so who knows what went down."

That's fine for one-off occasions, like inviting someone out to lunch or to the movies. But when you're someone's houseguest (even if they invited you!) it's outrageous to not bring your friend a present, take them out to dinner, etc. as a thank you. It's polite to make an offer to help defray costs of gas, tickets, stuff like that... even if you think they'll decline. Letting them plan and pay for everything for the entire stay is inexcusable.

[(Anonymous)]

Exactly. If it was just a day out, then I can see why the OP's friend would think that the OP is ok with paying for everything (though she really should have asked first!)

But the OP seems to imply that the online friend stayed for more than one day (either that, or they got a shitload done in a single day) so it's downright rude of the friend to not bring a present and/or offer to pay for some of the expenses. Even offering to do the dishes, or to cook dinner, or to pay for some gas, or some snacks for a movie night, etc. would have been fine.

But the things that the OP mentioned they did would cost hundreds of dollars all-up. If I was the friend, I'd feel guilty for making someone I just met irl pay so much money for me to have a good time.

[dinogrrl]

Again, depends on what the local culture is. Where I am, asking to help pay for things can be interpreted as an insult to the host. I do agree that a 'gift' of some sort, especially during an extended stay, would be a nice gesture though.

[ketita]

Weird, must be a regional/cultural thing, because where I live no way anybody would expect that just because you invited them over you'd pay for everything =/ unless maybe it's somebody from another country, but even that would depend on the situation.

I mean, hosting at home is one thing. You're to somebody's house, it's accepted that they feed you. But if I went to my friend's and she suggested going to a museum, I wouldn't for an instant assume she meant to pay my ticket.

[(Anonymous)]

You know what? I have debilitating social anxiety. I would just not behave this way. If the friend has such SA, then she really ought not have visited her friend if she couldn't handle it. It's not a matter of "hurr hurr, get over it," it's a matter of knowing what you, with your anxiety, can handle.

[(Anonymous)]

This!

[redseeker]

That's possible, but I think it's more likely that the person is simply a rude, graceless person who was all too happy to take a few days' holiday letting someone else pick up the cheque /: OP says they paid for food, trips, activities, and their guest was all too happy to allow them to pay for everything.

If someone is very worried about projecting the wrong impression, I would have assumed they would make an extra effort to be polite. That's what I do - I don't think I have social anxiety, but I am very shy, and aware of coming across the wrong way. I think irl I am awkward, but I always try to be polite to try to make up for it. Tone can sometimes be hard to get right, but it's possible to imitate the ways other people speak and sort of 'fake' it so it sounds right...

Also, the person apparently wasn't so terrified they didn't travel all the way to the house of someone they've never met in person before to stay for days (I have done that and it is terrifying).