fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2475 ]

[ SECRET POST #2475 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2475 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02. [repeat]

__________________________________________________

03.

[Supernatural, Watchmen]

__________________________________________________

04.

[a case of exploding mangoes (2008 novel)]

__________________________________________________

05.

[Brothers in Arms]

__________________________________________________

06.

[Agents of SHIELD ]

__________________________________________________

07.

[Transformers: IDW Generation One]

__________________________________________________

08.

[Sarah Michelle Gellar]

__________________________________________________

09.

[Young Guns 2]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 057 secrets from Secret Submission Post #354.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

ok, controversial question time, but first a bit of a summary of the main viewpoints as I understand them:

we all agree that it is never ok for a man to hit a women or commit any other violence against a women, yes? no controversy there.

many of f!s feels that the reverse is also true, and that a woman should never hit a man or commit any other violence against a man, in the context of a relationship at least.

there are other people who sit on the other side and see nothing wrong with a woman hitting a man.

and finally there are the rest of us, who sit somewhere in the middle, it's these people I'm asking, really, but feel free to chip in. Do try to be respectful, though.

my question is this:

when, if ever, is it ok for a woman to hit a man in the context of a relationship?

he has cheated?
he is hitting you, or about to hit you?
he is emotionally abusive?
is there anything he could say to justify being hit?
is there anything he could do to justify being hit?
he wants / does not want you to keep a baby, and will not change his position?

do the answers to these questions change if we substitute 'hit' for 'slap'
what about other violent actions ie. throwing a drink in a mans face, for example.

where do you draw the line?

No. It is never okay for a woman to hit a man except in self defense. If you think it is okay for a woman to hit a man otherwise, I don't see why it is any different from a man hitting a woman. Regardless of what people may think women are not wilting flowers. You want to hit someone? Expect to be hit back.

I'm not here to argue with you, and I do whole heartedly with the "we are not wilting flowers" sentiment.

I will ask, though, what about the other two violent scenarios? slapping and the classic drink throwing?

oh, and I did think of another example: sexual assault - a man grabs a womans ass in a club, woman turns around and puts him out. not in the context of a relationship obviously, but is that violence acceptable to you?

It is not okay to hit anyone in any context unless they're about to hit you or have done something extremely atrocious (as in, committed an actual crime). It is also okay to hit/slap somebody who is displaying any other kind of physical aggression (e.g., unwanted sexual behaviour). Same applies for throwing drinks/other violent actions.

If there is no threat of serious physical or emotional harm, no extreme violence (hitting to break somebody's limb, for example, or throwing a boiling hot coffee at them) can be justified.

It's not okay to hit someone just because they've done something extremely atrocious.

Reasonable force for self defence, prevent a breach of the peace, save life or limb, or to apprehend someone you suspect or know has committed a crime only.

I know where you're coming from, and I would totally agree if we were talking about doing actual physical damage (breaking a limb, wounding or somesuch), but I rather meant the kind of hitting that produces bruises. And not beating, either.

It needs to be forbidden by the law (and the offender should be punished afterwards), but if somebody would hit a murderer or a rapist, I would understand their reaction and would not judge them.

Don't hit anyone else unless they hit you first (or you have a good idea they're about to), pretty much.

would you be ok with a man saying "I hit her because I thought she was going to hit me"?

Yes, because physically abusive assholes wouldn't say that--it would completely kill their power trip, and it would be like admitting a woman is an actual threat to him. A man who says he was defending himself against a woman was probably actually defending himself against a woman.

Physically abusive assholes do say that though. I get where you're coming from but it's not true of all of them. Some abusers don't care if some outsiders see them as weak as long as their victim feels out of control and overpowered even if it's through social manipulation and not physical intimidation.

Or y'know to keep out of jail where other bigger, more violent men aren't going to feel intimidated by them which would absolutely crush the ego they've built up for themself.

I also was physically assaulted by a friend's boyfriend who later claimed I hit him first. He called himself a feminist, said all the right things, etc. but was actually a horribly abusive misogynist, who just didn't want to acknowledge it or think of himself that way and later said stuff like "If women want to be respected as equals they have to understand that sometimes you just have to settle things the old-fashioned way and not go running to daddy later".

I'm sorry, anonymouslyyours--that seriously sucks. :( Glad you're okay.

With respect to my comment, though, it always comes down to individual cases. In a general scenario, I'm going to assume the person saying they were defending themselves was actually defending themselves until other information comes into play.

If the situation had somehow escalated to the point where it was very likely that one of the parties was actually going to become violent (or more along the lines of them already being violent but not having made contact yet), and it can't be defused otherwise, probably. Or, I'm as okay with it as you can be when the entire hypothetical situation is something I'm really not okay with. I'd prefer it if no one hit anyone, y'know?

Gah, my comment could probably misconstrued! I am not advocating smacking anyone who looks at you funny, obviously. I just mean that people have a right to self-defense if someone else starts it, and that the people who start it should not have done that. (But seriously, don't hit anyone if they are not an immediate threat to your physical safety and you have no other way to get away from them.)

Self defense - which, tbh, is the same standard I hold for men hitting women.

And no - my response is the same for whatever words you "substitute in" for what's being done.

Somewhat related question... can you ever be forgiven for hitting your significant other, or does it mean you are an abusive person who should never be in a relationship again?

I ask because I am a woman who once hit a man while in a relationship, which was running its course; we argued a lot, he frustrated me so badly that I just lost it and punched him in the face. I immediately realized what I'd done was wrong, started crying and apologizing repeatedly, and he did not retaliate except to tell me never to do that again. (He never hurt me, for the record, although he did grab me very firmly or slap my hand down a couple of times during arguments.)

It's been almost twenty years now, I have never done anything like it again, and I have confessed it to anyone I've gotten seriously involved with because I feel like it's something they should be aware of, and I still feel like scum - because if I'd been the man and he'd been the woman, everyone would agree that I was a scumbag and no one should go anywhere near me. Since I don't believe in gender-based double-standards (which answers the primary question above, I believe), this makes me the same kind of scumbag.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I don't think you were necessarily scum to actually hit him. your mistake was letting the relationship run it's course. when you got to the point where hitting him became a possibility, you should have broken it off. wanting to punch someone who frustrates you is not inhuman impulse, and as far as I'm concerned can and should be forgiven. Staying with someone who frustrates you to that degree was your mistake, one that I doubt you'll make again.

tl;dr having once committed violence against a man does not an abuser make.

If it was twenty years ago, you have obviously learned from your actions. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone is human. If you were making excuses or still did that, it would be different. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, what's important is that you aren't like that anymore.

Please don't hate yourself, just be good to people. :)

If a dude genuinely regretted it and knew what he did was wrong and never intended to do it again no matter what, he wouldn't be a scumbag and would deserve a second chance - so why wouldn't you?

Abuse is a pattern of behavior, not a one-off thing.

Self-defense or defense of others from a physical threat (i.e. a child, a pet, etc). No one should hit people for non-physical offenses unless they're prepared for equal retaliation and legal consequences. Though I do think if one person hits another, did no damage and had no weapon, and then gets the unholy shit beat out of them, the person who did the beating is more culpable. I say this because I've run into men who seem to think a woman slapping them opens the door to straight breaking her face. Equal retaliation only - slap her back, shove her away, whatever, but don't half kill her and then tell the cops "but but but she started it!"

This.

When he's a dumb idiot who won't play my youtube videos during shitstream

As a response to violence (including sexual assault, like groping) or the threat of violence, against them or another person around them that they intend to protect.

So... like... the law. Because women are also beholden to the law. Because they are people, like men.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2475 ]

violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.

Re: violence within a relationship.