[ SECRET POST #2483 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2483 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 054 secrets from Secret Submission Post #355.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[(Anonymous)]

So I was having a discussion where it came up that I didn't ship a pair of bffs as a couple because while they're bffs and I love them being bffs, I'd consider one of the members' treatment of the other to be rather uncomfortably abusive if they were in a romantic relationship.

Which got me thinking -- is there that much of a difference in what counts as abusive in a friendship vs in a romantic relationship? If there is, how exactly does the presence of romance make certain behavior abusive, and what specific kinds of behavior becomes abusive in a romantic context if it's not abusive (or at least, much less abusive) in a platonic context? (assuming you control for other factors like gender or living arrangements)

Re: Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[(Anonymous)]

Romantic relationships tend to lend themselves to situations where the abuse can be heavier than strictly platonic ones (ie isolation, living situations, sex, etc.), but both can be really awful.

Re: Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[kaijinscendre]

I can't think of any romantic abusive habit that I would not find abusive if it was just a platonic relationship.

Re: Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[(Anonymous)]

I guess one example is behavior driven by romantic jealousy? You mention shipping, so if you look at certain behavior through the lens of "these characters are fucking offstage" or "these characters are secretly in love with each other" (which are presumptions a lot of shipping and shippy fanfic is based on), behavior that would be relatively benign, if still somewhat possessive/bossy/douchey, in a platonic friendship, would become more sinister with the romantic context.

Re: Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[lynx]

Can you give us an example, OP? I'm with kaijinscendre here, can't think of any platonic abusive behavior I wouldn't find abusive as well in a romantic relationship.

Re: Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[(Anonymous)]

I think there can be a difference. For example I could see a vitriolic friendship (always belittling, sometimes to the point it hurts) turn into a really nasty romantic relationship if jealousy became involved.

Also, while this may not turn to the abusive, I respect a lot more of personal flaws in a friend than in a potential romantic partner, because at the end of the day I can walk away from them and whatever their stances on gender, religion, politics... we can agree to disagree.

Another thing could be their stance on truthfulness, fidelity, loyalty. If one of these things didn't add up in a romantic relationship I would potentially be way more creeped out than in a friendship.

Re: Abusive behavior in friendships vs romantic relationships

[kelincihutan]

Nothing is coming to mind as only abusive in a romantic situation. Or only abusive in a platonic one. Belittling, invalidation, gaslighting... They're all abusive, whether there's a romantic angle there or not. I second lynx's request for examples. If I knew about what scenario you were thinking about, I could give you a better response on my thoughts. And it may be a particular scenario where something would be abusive in one case but not in the other is just not occurring to me. But right off the top of my head, I can't think of one.