fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2529 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2529 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Babylon 5, Art by A-gnosis]

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[HGTV]

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[Boy Meets World]

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[Doctor Who, "Day of the Doctor"]

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[Battlestar Galactica]

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[Brian Cox, Jim Al-Khalili]

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[Doctor Who]

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[Top Gun]

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[Once Upon a Time in Wonderland]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 017 secrets from Secret Submission Post #361.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 2 - posted twice ], [ 1 - ships it ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is just something I've worried about before.

I have a somewhat severe phobia of being strangled or choked. However, I've seen a few articles and comments that talk about choking someone during sex, and I didn't really get the impression that they were seeing it as a consensual BDSM thing. The choking reference was usually in a kind of offhand way - like, "she's the kind of girl you would choke during sex!" (just based on the girl's looks, with no reference to whether or not she gets any say in whether or not she gets choked). And another article suggested choking (and other things) if you just want to have casual sex, like if you don't hurt the woman during sex, she'll think you have agreed to be in a relationship, even if you actually agreed only to have sex.

It makes me afraid that if I have sex with a guy, he'll assume he can do this even if I tell him not to. Is it common to just do BDSM type things to people without asking them if it's okay? Do a lot of people think that once you've consented to sex, you've consented to ANY sexual thing, and they don't have to respect this person's wishes to not do a certain thing?

Has anyone else been put off of relationships/sex by phobias?

That is not right. You shouldn't choke somebody without asking first.

WTF?????????

Well, that's one thing I can now worry about, OP!

(Although - what are these articles? and where were they posted? because different websites have different clientele, and some may be more awful than others.)

I do not think that would be the norm, most people are going to ask you first if they are having safe consensual sex. To not would be abuse or assault.

Consenting once or to one thing is NEVER consenting to everything. Anyone who says otherwise is not somebody you want to be around.

Oh I forgot to add, this isn't really a phobia but I was sexually abused for a few years so I have many fears when it comes to any and all relationships.

If somebody suddenly tried to choke me while having sex, I would assume they were trying to murder me, and probably try to attack them/run away.

I don't think anyone would do something like that without asking, who wasn't kind of an awful person.

Unfortunately that's not necessarily any guarantee. But I think the kind of reasoning that you're talking about - especially the thing about choking if you just want to have casual sex - I think that's mostly something that dudebros and PUAs would think.

No reasonable, decent, not-horrible person that you might actually want to date will think it's acceptable to choke you without your consent. The trick, of course, is in filtering out the assholes who see women as objects to be used rather than equals who are worthy of respect. In all the BDSM circles I've ever been in (which is not a huge number, admittedly), consent and negotiation were strongly emphasized. I can only imagine that the kind of people who would think surprise!choking was okay are also the kind who think it's hilarious to "accidentally" stick it in a girl's ass when having sex.

No, anon, it is totally 100% abnormal for people to randomly start choking each other during sex. Like, I'm sure it happens once in a while but definitely not regularly and any guy who would start doing that is at best TERRIBLE at communicating.

Internet articles and comments are totally gross but I promise you, the majority of guys are actually much less gross than you'd believe from reading those articles.

I wouldn't say put off, but I have a fear of gagging that comes up sometimes with various sex acts. Everyone I've had sex with has been totally fine with it and we just are careful.

"And another article suggested choking (and other things) if you just want to have casual sex, like if you don't hurt the woman during sex, she'll think you have agreed to be in a relationship, even if you actually agreed only to have sex."

Whoever wrote that is probably some sort of sociopath. Some troglodyte who thinks women are so desperate for relationships that the only way to put them off one is to hurt them. Ugh.

Don't worry, OP. Regardless of what you read on the internet the vast majority of men are extremely hesitant even to just have non-kinky sex with a woman just in case they didn't actually get consent, or there's one of those moments where you're getting all the right signals and then suddenly she starts crying.

That moment happens more than you think, and most men really would rather not be charged with attempted rape or rape over a misunderstanding.

Oh god, there is not enough WTF in the world for that.

No one, anywhere, who is even remotely reasonable as a sex partner is going to choke you without consent. That's a major, major kink to be negotiated.

And the bit about choking a woman to keep her from assuming a relationship actively makes me shudder. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.

For useful advice, some poeple may take consenting to sex as being consenting to *some* BDSM type things. There's a pretty big range there. I'd say there's a huge difference between taking consent to sex as allowing for "maybe I'll try a light spank in the heat of the moment" without asking, and allowing for choking, or even bondage without some form of negotiation.

If you're with a decent partner (Which, as some has said, can be the trick), they'll check with you before trying anything extreme, and certainly won't assume that choking out of nowhere is a thing to do.

Is it common to just do BDSM type things to people without asking them if it's okay? -> No

Do a lot of people think that once you've consented to sex, you've consented to ANY sexual thing, and they don't have to respect this person's wishes to not do a certain thing? -> Some people, but those people are assholes.

The fuck?

Echoing everyone else in saying that trying to strangle someone during sex with no warning/BDSM conversation before hand is definitely not normal. I'd say the same goes for most kinks too.

...WTF. If anyone did that to someone without their consent, no, it's not BDSM. During sex or otherwise, it's assault and should be reported. O_o I dunno where you were seeing these articles that SUGGESTED it, but that is just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. So wrong I am having trouble even imagining the kind of person who would read such articles, let alone write them.

[ SECRET POST #2529 ]

Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships

Re: Phobias and relationships