fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2532 ]

[ SECRET POST #2532 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2532 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 065 secrets from Secret Submission Post #362.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Inspired by the first comment to the first comment in this thread =P

For those who've suffered bullying, especially in schools, what worked/didn't work in terms of dealing with the bullying? Was there ever a good way to respond to bullies?

I had a rather odd school experience in that I probably should have been one of those bullied - I was the nerdy girl with her nose always in a book, and out of synch with the class. But precisely because of that, I never took much notice of anything people might have said, and bullying was never really physical in my school, so... I don't think I'd have coped well if things had ever gotten physical, though. =X

I switched schools.

This. And that only mostly worked.

Nothing I did ever worked. I ignored, I tried to fight back, I told my parents who then talked to the school which did nothing. I tried to befriend the bullies. I tried to avoid the bullies. Nothing worked. It was nothing too extreme, lots of verbal abuse and a few bouts of kicking or pinching or pushing/shoving and it did eventually stop on its own, mostly.

I think maybe if the teachers and school had taken it more seriously it could have been stopped that way, but this was back in the mid-90s and bullying was just "teasing" or being "picked on" and wasn't seen as that big of a deal.

I suffered through it until I became an adult and graduated. I still suffer from public anxiety and no self-esteem issues to this day.

You might be me--if people tried to bully me, I honestly never noticed. It wasn't ignoring them so much as forgetting they were there entirely. Books helped.

That said, though, I wouldn't have been a good person to bully. I sort of have a violent family history, so any attempts to take things to a personal and physical level would have ended bloody and bad for everyone.

I was the fat, awkward, bookish girl who obviously had something gross wrong with her because she had to check her blood sugar levels and give herself injections. I got called a drug addict, people said I was lying about having diabetes because I wanted attention, and I can't even count the number of times kids stole my hypoglycaemia supplies from my bag. My mother was dealing with having three kids with chronic conditions, my father had just been diagnosed with a pituitary tumour, so I didn't feel like I could tell them, and the teachers at both my primary and my first high school were shit useless.

I deliberately fucked up my handling of my diabetes so I'd get hospitalised, because nothing else worked and having my hba1c rocket to 13 was a sure-fire way of having two weeks in hospital away from my classmates. I was hospitalised at least once a year from when I was 10 to when I finally talked my parents into letting me go to the Jesuit senior high school, where things got a little bit better because the principal there actually listened to me.

That is so fucking awful how they treated you. Just hearing about it makes me angry that these people could be so cruel to you, considering how much other stress factors were going on in your life. I hope things are better for you now. *offers hugs* ):

Thank you ♥ I'm in a much better place now, although obviously there are some pretty serious long-term effects both on a mental/emotional and physical level. But I have good doctors now and a very good psych, and while I don't have a large circle of friends, the friends I do have are wonderful.

After doing all the typical tactics (avoiding, ignoring, talking to teachers), only one thing led to me getting bullied less, and that was going into senior years and not having classes with the bullies anymore.

I didn't interact or go near them outside of classes, so without opportunity they moved onto other targets. That was it. I still dealt with them here and there, but I found that a cold stare and leaving the area did a lot more for me than the teachers ever did.

It depended on the bully. Some were jerks but were still mostly normal, others (one in particular) had actual sociopathic characteristics like lack of empathy for people or animals. The ones in the first category are easier to stop than those in the second.

I was a "loner" type in school so the best way to protect myself as a general rule was to be in close proximity to a larger group/clique and blend in in such a way as to look like I was part of that group. It wasn't like I didn't know anyone in the group, I just wasn't close friends with any of them. But the bullies didn't know that and bullies are less likely to pick on people who are a part of a big group.

In the case of "normal" bullies, sticking up for yourself can work. Embarrassing them in front of classmates whenever they pick on you can work. Ignoring them/having boring responses to their taunts can work. Getting an adult on your side could sometimes work.

But with a sociopathic type bully, it was a different story. They're the types that don't stop and are really malicious/twisted in their baiting. In that case there are two solutions: either have a shitload of self-confidence, really good friends and the ability to never ever be afraid of the bully. OR avoid at all costs.

I was severely lacking in confidence and reliable friends so that left me with Option 2. My parents helped to make sure the bully was never in my classes throughout the rest of my middle/high school career. At lunch periods I would cope by blending in with a larger group of students for protection and hope that I didn't see the bastard.

The worst part is that the bullies tended to be friends or at least people I was on friendly terms with before the bullying started so it was always very confusing when they went from "friend" to asshole for no understandable reason. Maybe they took my being quiet in class as me thinking I was better than them? Or they just saw a quiet loner as a good target? I'll never know the answer to that.

It was rarely physical bullying but it was NOT fun and I NEVER want to feel like that again. Nowadays if someone tries to intimidate or bully me, I get incredibly furious and sometimes aggressive (if I feel reasonably safe.)

The worst part is that the bullies tended to be friends or at least people I was on friendly terms with before the bullying started so it was always very confusing when they went from "friend" to asshole for no understandable reason.

That happened to me a few times too. The feelings of confusion and betrayal were almost as bad as the subsequent bullying itself.

It certainly generates trust issues.

I cut myself off and became obsessed with manga and online fandom.

Pretty much this, minus the manga.

Although sometimes I wonder if I would've been better off had I tried to fit in school more. I don't regret fandom, but... I think there were people who tried to befriend me, except by the time they did I'd built the wall and was already hiding online. :/

I don't think there really is one way. One time a bunch of guys were picking on my friend, so I stepped in front of her and yelled at them to go the hell away until they finally did. It worked, but it also could have just made things much, much worse.

I built walls, which I now think was a mistake. It was hard though because while there were girls who called me names or would yell weird things at me (see below), mostly it was... intentional snubbing, probably because I was a bit odd and didn't really have a group. I mean, I think everyone was a bit of a snob in school (even I had my criteria for what made you worth my time, though I would never have admitted it and was always willing to bend the rules), but... when the teacher says "(anon) needs a groups" and it's two whole minutes before someone offers, yeah, that goes beyond just being picky.

But here's something I never figured out... in 11th grade, these kids went through a phase where they started shouting something like "bweedip" or "b-dubya" at me. (The latter could've been Bush related, as it was 2002ish, but I have no idea what I would've had to do with Bush.) Anyone have any idea? I don't care if it was something grotesque and insulting, it's all in the past now. I'm just morbidly curious, and Urban Dictionary hasn't been helpful, surprisingly.

Only thing that worked was shoving one of the bully down cement steps at school. Ignoring, going to teachers etc. didn't do shit.

Honestly, the "ignore them" thing actually worked for me, I think because I'm pretty thick-skinned to begin with, and also because the bullies I was dealing with got bored really easily and once they saw I wasn't going to burst into tears at being called fat (oh noes! like I hadn't noticed!), they just kind of moved on. So I was, as far as I remember, mostly ignored after the first year.

In elementary school and early junior high, fighting back worked (of course, it only works if you can actually win - or at least hold your own enough to make them think twice in the future). Later though, bullies got wise to that and would just gather up all their friends and kick the shit out of you in a group, or use weapons. So from that point on there was only safety in numbers. Never walk home alone, always eat lunch in a group, etc. Worked okay, because altogether there were about 30 of us nerds and when we were all together no one would ever try anything because most other social cliques were smaller than that, but if you ever needed to be alone for any reason, even just walking between classes... The teachers were fucking useless, too. They would literally just watch kid getting beaten up, or look the other way when it was happening right in front of them. If you reported it, well, "kids will be kids".

What worked? Well, one my buddies got put in the hospital by one of his bullies, so he'd finally had enough - he called the cops and got him charged with assault and sent to juvie. The kid's parents harassed and threatened the teachers and the principal over it, though, so they in turn harassed and threatened us not to get the police involved, and to handle it "internally" - i.e. not at all - and they treated my buddy like shit from then on.

What actually worked was going to a high school with a zero tolerance policy. I.e., a single fight or act of bullying and you are expelled. No exceptions. Within the first few months everyone who did that shit was either given the boot or shaped up. I actually found myself laughing when one of my old bullies from junior high and its useless, moronic teaching staff started in on me because really? Getting in some digs is worth getting expelled from the best school in the district? If you say so. I didn't even have to report it - one of the counsellors was walking by and heard her, and she was taken back to the office and kicked out on the spot.

God yes, I honestly roll my eyes so hard at the whole "fight back". Maybe that does work some tiny country schools, or if you're in a decent public school.

At mine the bullies were generally from shitty council estates, and grew up fighting other kids on the estate and being beaten by their dads. They were tremendously more au fait with violence then some middleclass nerd was, and even if you had the edge and did win, their mates who had nothing better to do than skip school and engage in ASB would be waiting after school to give you a proper kicking. And repeat that every time they saw you because they had a very simplistic masculine view of the world.

Teachers were useful for fuck and all. I considered myself pretty lucky because being 6’6” by sixteen and generally a withdrawn guy I mostly got left alone and didn’t catch half the shit some of my mates did, but the sense of menace and low scale bullshit was always there. The solution was pretty much wait until they all joined gangs and stopped turning up entirely.

Your experience sounds remarkably similar to mine. The teachers felt like they were coming from a different era if not a different universe from the rest of us. I was adult sized by 12 and an athlete so "fight back" worked against pretty much all girls and boys my own age, but once they hit junior high school and started dating boys in high school, what was I supposed to do against a 17-year-old boy, let alone a group of them? The teachers would just balk in disbelief that they would hit a girl, but yes, yes they fucking would if I laid a hand on their girlfriends. And the guy who put my buddy in the hospital was a boxer, whose dad was pretty clearly beating him. Just stand up for yourself, scrawny bookworm! It'll work just like it does in the movies! He's just afraid!

Luckily high school isn't compulsory here (I don't know if it is in the UK), hence the high school I went to was allow to adopt a zero tolerance policy and became (SHOCKINGLY) the top school in the district a few years after they did so.

Re: Bullying (tw?)

ill_omened - 2013-12-09 16:13 (UTC) - Expand

I didn't really experience a lot of physical bullying, other than being tripped a few times. There was some verbal abuse and it wasn't that bad, so I mostly ignored it. What really helped was that teachers who saw it were willing to call it out and/or punish it.

I had a guy who, for what ever reason, was friends with me and these two other guys, but then started picking on me. He made fun of my left hand, which is a bit smaller than my right. It's just noticeable enough that he saw it and just...made fun of me.

It FINALLY got to me one day in math class. This was in the 6th grade. He said something and I just snapped. I shoved him over a desk. Now, this guy was twice my size, in weight, height, and general build. He went right over that desk. We both got sent to the principal's office, but when she hear why I did that, she let me leave with no mark on record and gave him a hell of a talking to.

He NEVER bullied me again.

I did the same thing one day when a teacher was out of class in the 8th grade when this douchebag guy wouldn't give me my seat back. He'd been constantly making fun of me for being a manga fan and reading various other geeky things and getting mad I wouldn't draw him stuff. So, I grabbed him by his shirt and threw him to the floor.

Never again did he bother me, nor did his friends.

I was never violent otherwise. They just pushed me to my limit and I retaliated the only way I knew how and the in the only way I knew would work.

So I was pretty much bullied since I could remember. I'm mildly autistic (Asperger Syndrome and YES I am diagnosed by a doctor. Sorry about the defensiveness , I've just gotten used to autism /Asperger hating assholery in this community unfortunately.)

I was usually socially oblivious, and at first due to wanting everyone to like me I didn't stand up for myself , not wanting to be 'mean'. I only really started acting out in anger against bullies in 5th grade, a kid in my resource class called me retarded at recess and I threw a small rock at him from a distance.

These moments were fairly rare , in middle school I was still mostly trying to gain the approval of the kids who picked on me which only got me picked on more. I remember being brought along on a trip through the woods by some neighborhood kids only to be ditched when in the middle of it and left to find my own way home- twice. I remember my skateboard being stolen from my garage and dumped in the bushes. By the time high school started I really started trying to stick up for myself sometimes, though I was still a bit of a people-pleaser.

Maturity wise when I was in highschool I was at the level of a middle schooler in interests and would spend a lot of time on the computers in the library.

Oh and in my senior year someone got into my email and sent an email that could have gotten me and a teacher in serious trouble, implying student teacher relations, and it was only resolved when teachers asked my sister and learned that I couldn't have POSSIBLY sent that email because I was on the bus at the time. The culprit to my knowledge was never caught. What bothered me most though? They were perfectly willing to throw a TEACHER under the bus (and he was a nice guy too) for a little 'prank' on me. "Yep, if a teacher loses his job and gets in reputation for sleeping with a student it's TOTALLY all right because hell at LEAST we embarrassed that weird special ed kid lolololol"

Looking back on my high school years if kind of shudder worthy now because I realize why I looked gawky to everyone else.

Yeah my highschool years were not a happy time.

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[ SECRET POST #2532 ]

Bullying (tw?)

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Re: Bullying (tw?) plus slightly OT but relevant question

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