fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2583 ]

[ SECRET POST #2583 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2583 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 043 secrets from Secret Submission Post #369.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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trigger warning for emotional abuse, probably? i'll post it below, to be safe.

so i've been watching some online drama go down where people are apologizing for tacitly supporting abusive friends, and it got me thinking about my own friendships. and now i'm wondering what to do when you suspect that your best and only friend might be an emotionally abusive creep.

now, he's not emotionally abusive towards me. but the way he talks about all this drama with this guy he's into, with whom he's wormed his way into an unhealthy-sounding on-again-off-again relationship over the course of years... i think it's telling that while what my friend says about this relationship makes me worry for his emotional well-being, i worry even more for this complete stranger who i've only even met once. i've thought for a long time that my friend is being manipulative and creepy towards him, but though i kinda told him off about it, i never really was all that serious about it, and in the end i never did anything about it. and i wonder if that makes me a shitty person too.

but i don't know what to do. i don't know this other guy. and to be honest, i don't want to stop associating with my only friend even though he might be kind of an awful guy. i don't know...

Personally, I'd start by trying to make more friends.

yeah... i definitely should work on that, i agree.

Out of curiosity, is the online want about twistpeach and Arisia?

With your friend, you might feel better if you have a serious talk with him. Along the lines of, "You know I love you, dude, but it sounds like you're being kind of creepy here."

nah, never heard of them.

and yeah, i guess i should talk with him seriously about it. i've tried to tell him that i don't think it's a healthy relationship, and when he says something i think sounds creepy i usually say so, but he kind of brushes it off? but i think i'll press it more now that it's occurred to me that this might be abuse... i honestly didn't think of it that way before.

it also suddenly occurs to me that a couple years ago he had a falling out with a friend who didn't approve of his relationship with this guy, and he blamed it on her being secretly jealous because he thinks she has a crush on him. and now i'm seeing that in a new light... hm. :/

Did... did you creepshame the guy below this thread?

oh no you caught me. how dare i creepshame. i should be more tolerant of the poor creeps' manipulative jerkishness. i feel just awful now. :'(

is there any way you could reach out to the other guy? I was in a somewhat similar situation where this kid I knew was secretly a horrible human being when it came to his girlfriend--threatening to hurt himself if she left him, taking advantage of her while drunk, posting her naked photos on an anonymous tumblr...just crazy stuff--and I felt really scared for her. I ended up messaging her on tumblr and saying "look, I don't mean to be intrusive but if you ever need help, I and a lot of other people I know will be on your side." and she really appreciated that.

if you're really nervous for the other guy, maybe contact him. if it's less serious, perhaps you could sit down with your friend and say you're worried about him, then point out your concerns.

maybe... i don't know this guy's last name, though. maybe i could track him down through my friend's facebook or blog, though. though i don't know if i want to visit my friend's blog, because i know that he tracks every visitor that he gets (mostly so he can tell if this guy is reading it or not and then post passive-aggressive poems about him if he is) and i don't like being subject to his surveillance. also, i'm extremely anxious about people in general... hence why i only have the one friend. but if it's really bad, i probably should make the effort.

and he's not... quite that bad. though... well, my friend does sometimes make suicide threats, but i don't know if he has to this guy. and he did make it sound like he pressured the other guy into having sex when he didn't really want to. that's pretty bad... but as far as i know, they've currently broken it off, so i don't think this guy would be in immediate danger (if danger is the right word). it's just that i think my friend is trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him again...

why are you friends with someone who coerces people into having sex with him? I mean, good lord, if that's the kind of thing he shares with his friends then I can only imagine what kind of horrible shit he does that he doesn't confess. I can understand being lonely but you might want to set the bar a bit higher (and by "higher" I mean even just someone who merely meets the minimum standards of human decency would be a better friend than this guy)

that's... a really good point. i mean... since he's my friend, i guess i've always been inclined to see the good in him and think of him as being kind of a creep, but not really so bad. but the more i write about him here, the more i realize that maybe he is actually that bad. :/

but he's also literally the only person in the world who i'm not anxious around at all, and the only person i feel i can speak freely to non-anonymously. but that's my problem, and that's something i should work on fixing, maybe instead of continuing to rely on this guy who's... really not a good person, i guess.

ayrt

I think it's really good that you're realizing that he's not a good person. I think if you keep relying on him, he'll eventually start dragging you down with him and I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you're able to eventually meet new people to befriend. Maybe you can try to see if there are any organizations in your area that suit your interests (if you're in college, I'm sure there are many on campus) and try to attend a meeting or two. You can even make an Okcupid account or something similar (although okcupid is, obviously, mostly used for romantic purposes it also gives you the option to seek friends and people to just hang out with. I've actually hung out with a few people that I met from there)

thanks... and yeah, i think it's telling that there's at least one thing i don't want to tell him, not out of anxiety, but because i don't trust him with the information. (specifically, i don't trust him not to use it to manipulate me.)

i've graduated from college (somehow i managed to do so without making any lasting friends), but i have been thinking about joining a chorus for a while now. and maybe a support group (for an unrelated issue) too. maybe i can make some new friends that way. or maybe i can even try to get back in touch with some of my sort-of-friends from college? hm.

thanks for this comment. i'm kind of feeling a little more positive now, at least about my own situation. and i think i will still try to talk to my friend, but... i know that all i can do is talk to him. i can't make him change. and if he doesn't change, he's probably not the sort of person i want to be friends with.

the only thing is that i don't think it'll be so simple to cut myself off from him even if i want to. he's pretty clingy and persistent. which was useful for me when i was too scared to contact anyone but he still always kept in touch with me. but it's also part of his problem.

Ouch, that sounds really bad. I mean, sort-of-stalking the guy with his blog is bad enough that I would want to have a talk with him, but suicide threats and coercion are straight-up abuse imo. I think you should definitely contact this other guy and possibly offer him help/support, drop your friend, and make some new ones.

Ngl, it's probably going to suck big-time, both because of your anxiety and because he will probably try to manipulate you the way he did his "boyfriend." I would definitely be expecting suicide threats, and various other crap, to come your way. Just point him to a suicide hotline if he does, and ignore everything else. This dude sounds like serious trouble, and the sooner you get un-involved with him, the better.

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[ SECRET POST #2583 ]

what to do about friends being creeps?

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